Running Away

Sometimes I feel like I run away from everything. Sometimes I want to. Sometimes it just might be a habit. 

I never want to miss out on things. I want to be a part of everything, of anything that will allow me to be a part of it. But I'm finding I don't really want to be a part of it as much as I want to experience it. I want to be in it as far as I can without becoming consumed with it and forever associated with it. I guess I'm afraid of that vulnerability. I'm afraid of what might happen if I let all of me in to the many different outlets I try. I'm afraid that too many people will know me before I even know myself.

So what do I do? I run.

Some might say that I'm just trying something new. Perhaps I am sometimes. But many times, I feel like I just hit a wall of not knowing whether to dive in further and become more vulnerable or move on to someplace else where I can start over again.

Maybe thats why I go to school out of state. Maybe thats why I want to study abroad. Maybe thats why I'm searching for a different church now. Maybe thats why I always want to meet new people. Maybe thats why I'm much more comfortable in the introduction phase than the "getting to know you" phase.

But I think I'm growing weary of this act. I think I'm finally wanting to be in a place where I am known beyond what is spoken at "hello." I want to fully be a part of a bigger something, and I don't want to run away when I sense those relationships growing stronger. I want to push through the awkward getting to know you phase, onward towards the "comfortable to be or say anything" stage.

I want to be more available, and more actively involved in the world directly around me. I don't want to get passed by anymore.

When I come back from Argentina in the spring, I think I will be ready to stay put for a while. I think I'll be ready and willing to push my vulnerability. 

Until then, I'll try not to run away as much. I'm finding theres not as much mysteriousness involved in that as I once thought. Rather, the world takes it in as a passing breath, but I want so much to be more than that.