Toes on the Line

It has recently occurred to me that I live my life very much in the comfortable middle. I live in the safety zone, the neutral peace area.  I live in a place where it's easy to see all the extremes around me, and pretend like I'd enjoy being a part of them, but would really rather stay safe and sound in my own protected area.

It seems as though I shy away from anything to extreme. For example:

I hate spicy foods.
I hate being sweatily hot and I hate shivering cold (thats why Fall is a nice, middle season).
I hate pain on any scale. I shed tears at the doctors office today because I was pricked with a needle.
I hate scary movies and stick strictly to chick flicks, comedies and action films.
I never want to say anything that could possibly offend another party in any way, so many times I don't fully express my thoughts.

See what I mean?  The safety zone.

I think there should be a deeper, more philosophical meaning to all of this which is why I'm trying to blog my way through my thoughts.  Do I not take enough chances? In all honesty, I probably don't.  I think I prefer to watch other people stick their toes over the line than be the one that sets the alarm off. I always admire those that seem to fear nothing, I have a great friend who seems to fear nothing at all. She always tries to go through doors with caution signs reading "alarm will sound." She has a real thirst for living on the edge, and I wish I would push myself over there as well.  Deep down, I'm still the little girl in first grade who is terrified of getting in trouble with the teacher.  I don't test the waters nearly enough.

I take safe chances, ones with controllable risks.  Maybe thats why I like roller coasters so much; I get the thrill of taking a risk without anything really threatening likely to happen.  I want to change this.  I want to live more dangerously, but I don't want to live so just to say I've been chased by the cops before.  I want to live on the edge because I have a reason for doing so.  I imagine living on the edge would be something like staring the earth in the face and telling it that it in no way has final say over my life.

I kind of like that idea and I really want to push myself to not be so much of a scaredy-cat. Perhaps by letting go of so many of my petty fears and befriending more of the extremes, I will see and taste the world in more brilliant colors and zesty flavors.  I think I will stand in greater awe of God, which I'm desperately searching to do so.

The picture in my mind of what living dangerously and tasting so strongly is an infusion of so many wonderful things that I can't fully piece it together.  All I know is that I want to step out there, I want to walk to the edge and but my toes over the line.

Here's to doing dangerous things!  

Running

I used to run and exercise fairly often.  After being involved in sports and some sort of athletic activity for a lot of my life, I understood how running made me feel.  Even though I didn't always want to take time out of my potentially lazy day, I knew that running was good for me and I felt worlds better about myself upon returning.  Running is just more fun when it's a least somewhat warm.  As temperatures begin dropping, I become less and less motivated to run, and eventually I go through long periods of time where I don't do anything.

Welcome to my life for the past two or so months. And even though this Tennessee weather has only recently dipped in to winter weather, I gave up running earlier this season just because I was tired of putting in all that effort.  I think it goes without saying that my body is paying the consequences now and I fear it is only going to get worse as the holidays draw nearer.

Many of us are familiar with the Christian life being compared to a race.  Paul mentions it a few times in his writings. He encourages us to keep running and to press on towards the finish line; the finish line being united with Christ.  I've really slowed my pace in this race, and I am ashamed of where I am right now because I know I've taken my eyes off of the coming prize to linger in the moments here just a while longer.

I think I've begun questioning the way things are done a lot more this semester than I have before. I've become so focused with escaping the rules that people assume to be true of Christianity that I haven't done a good job of living how I think Christians should live. I guess you can say I've become rebellious, but a cautious rebel at that.

I seem to have lost all feeling.  A few months ago I was really frustrated because I felt that I was doing everything I should be doing as a Christian, and wanting to pursue a relationship with Christ, but I wasn't feeling anything in return.  Now I know God never left me and that I also shouldn't base our relationship on feelings, but once that numb feeling started to persist, I think I began wandering and daydreaming.  The fact that I haven't truly connected to a church body this semester hasn't help much at all either.  I've been distanced from the community of Christ that I so love and I began hurting.

I hate where I am right now. I hate being a hypocrite.  I hate that I don't feel God's hand in mine. I hate that I have been such a willing sinner and insulting the spirit of grace. I hate that I've allowed Satan to sidetrack me and push me to a place where I feel hidden from God.

I want to come home.

This next journey of my life is going to pose more strains on my walk with God because of the makeup of Argentina, and it being a country where Christianity is rarely practiced.  I want and need to serve as a beacon of light when I am down there, and as I sit here today, I am terrified that I will only fall further than where I am now.

If you happen to stumble upon this blog, can I ask you to pray for me? Pray that I would return my gaze towards Jesus' face and that I would walk confidently in the path of righteousness that he has prepared.  Pray that I would look sin in the face only to shun it and that I would grasp the hand of my Heavenly father. Pray that I would have the strength to stand apart as a Christian in a dark place and that I would not conform to the patterns of the world any longer. Pray for a renewal of life in Christ.

I beg for Christ's mercy on my failings and I rejoice in the grace he gives relentlessly. I pray that I would stop taking advantage of such a gift and start living in the way I know to be true.  Jesus, I'm sorry for pushing you aside. Help the desires that You've placed within my heart to be reflected in my daily actions.  As your daughter, I long to make you proud and I'm sorry for the pain I've been putting you through.  

I'm lacing up my running shoes today and I'm ready to begin training again.  I realize it'll take some time to get back into the rhythm of it all, but I have a glimpse of just how worth it it all is and I'm ready to get back in the game.

The Dancer

Exodus 25 describes the temple God asked to be built.  The detail that went in to each and every article within the temple is incredible.  And it makes you think, if you God designed a temple with such ornateness and we, our bodies, are the temples of God, then how much detail did he put in to us? Incredible!

One of the challenges with todays advent reading was to think about the decorations that are put up in houses around Christmas time.  My mom does a wonderful job of decorating our house, making it such a warm and inviting place to be in.  My favorite part of the decorating is putting up the lights on the outside of the house (but only colored lights, the white ones are just too boring!).  No one every decorates their house with random objects; they all mean something to the owner.  I think our decorations aim at the splendor of God's creative works.  I think our ornaments serve as a remembrance of the life God has blessed us with and experiences we have shared and gone through.  I pray that as I continue to grow and mature that I would continue to think of decorations in such a way, seeing past their supposed potential materialistic worth.

Another discussion point in the advent reading today was to create an ornament or decoration that represents how I feel about my relationship with God this year. I think if I were to create an ornament, it would be of a pair of ballet dancers.  The ballerina would be twirling and having one hand in the air being held by her partner as she twirls (I don't know the male term for ballerina).  It's cliche to say that life's a dance, but I'm going to use it anyway.  I think my relationship with Jesus this year has been a dance.  At times it has been extremely intimate, and we've danced closely.  There have been other moments when I go out for more of a solo move, and other times where we are dancing together, but not necessarily in the most intimate way.  Regardless of where I've been in my dance routine this year, I always spin back to God.  I'm becoming more independent, and trying out new things, but I always look back to find God to take up our dance together again.  I think the most beautiful dance routines are when the man and woman hold each other so intimately, and rightly so, these are the most beautiful times I share with God.  Unfortunately, I'm very prone to wandering, but I don't usually wander off too far.  I know where my love is, and in the end, it's always better to dance in the safety of His arms.

Joseph

The start of December marks the start of the advent season- the story and history of Jesus' birth.  Today I was reading the story of Mary and Joseph in Matthew 1; I'll give you a short recap: 

Joseph and Mary were engaged to be married (I'd love to know how he proposed!).  Sometime before their marriage, Mary was found to be with child after a visitation from an angel.  During this visitation, the angel told Mary that she would carry the son of God and serve as his mother on earth. Well, this puts dear Joseph in a difficult situation.  His soon to be wife was pregnant and he had nothing to do with it and furthermore, explaining the situation to his friends and family would most likely cause them to believe he is indeed crazy. 

Joseph had every right to break off the engagement in a vicious manner, but being the man that he was, he decided to go through with the separation quietly.  But before he could follow through with his plan, Joseph was met by an angel who told him to stay by Mary's side and raise the son of God. I can't imagine what was going through his mind during all of this; if it were me, I probably would have fled to the another country where I could start a new life with a new name, escaping the accusations of being a crazy person. 

But Joseph didn't.

He obediently followed the call that God had placed on his life. He took Mary as his wife and together they faced public scrutiny.  Together, under God's authority and calling, they served as Jesus' earthly parents. 

I think Mary gets a lot of attention for her role, and believe me, I understand how great of a role it was. But what about Joseph? I can't help but wonder what kind of man Joseph was that he was called in to such an honorable position. I wonder what his courage looked like. I wonder how he lead Mary and spurred her on in her relationship with God.  I wonder what parenting Jesus looked like.  

As a woman with hopes of marriage at some point, I can't help but think about all of these things. I can't help but want such a God-fearing man as Joseph.  I want a man willing to look past worldly gimmicks and laughter, only to look forward to God's greater treasures.  I want a man who will lead me and stay by my side no matter what.  I want a man that understands and will encourage me to follow in the specific path God is directing me in and to walk with me there.  

I'd like to ask for forgiveness for having high expectations in men, but in that same breath, I honestly don't think I want to.  I don't expect any man to be perfect, but I do expect certain Godly qualities to be exist.  I don't expect them to have it all together, because that will never happen, but I do expect that he tries and that there be evidence of that effort.  

Before anyone assumes I have put myself on a pedestal of perfection, you certainly won't find me up there.  Look for me somewhere on the ground amidst the dirt.  But I know that I'm trying.  And I hope you can see evidence of my efforts, and if not, I'll just keep trying. 

I could only hope for the faith and strength of Mary, and I hope that my future husband hopes for the faith, leadership and strength of Joseph. And I hope that in our marriage, we will walk forward together with our eyes locked on those of Christ's. 

A Struggling Lover's Prayer

Honesty brings forth vulnerability which eludes to the core of ourselves. For as much as I struggle with vulnerability, I know it has great worth.  If instead of wearing superhero costumes to cover up our imperfections, and we let our natural skin show, I believe something truly beautiful will occur.  I believe that we will all realize that none of us is really that different from each other.

That said, for the past few months or so, I've really been struggling with feeling God's presence. I know, I know, its not about a feeling. So I guess my real struggle was the fact that I felt completely numb to everything. Nothing truly excited me nor upset me. I could relate most to a ghost, I suppose. From what I know about them (watching Casper the Friendly Ghost, anyway), they go about life as usual, only they experience no warmth, they're simply hollow creatures.

I wanted to be moved. I wanted to feel alive and to know that I really hadn't died yet.  My relationship with God felt stagnant. I know all the "right" things to do, and I had been doing them.  I didn't want to give up on God, but I was growing impatient.

So I prayed a struggling lover's prayer.  One that I imagine a couple on the verge of separation or divorce might pray. I told God I wanted to feel in love again. I wanted that feeling of ecstasy.  I wanted it to be like when I first came to know Him. And not that this should affect the timing of this prayer, but I especially did not want to feel numb towards God during the month we celebrate the birth of his son.  I wanted a deeper understanding of the weight and the miracle of Christmas.

Shortly following my struggling lover's prayer, I started thinking about what would have happened had Christ not been born, and thats when I started to come back to life.  My first thought was that I would still believe in God. But I couldn't be more wrong! Without Christ being born, the Trinity would be gone and the very structure of Christianity would be destroyed.  God would have no characteristics that I could relate to, and I would be left with the big man in the sky.  God sent his son to take on human flesh so that I would understand the personal relationship God wanted to pursue.  He sent his son so that I would understand and receive grace and mercy. He sent his son so that I would believe. As I've said before, I'm not the best at articulating my thoughts, but the answers that I've received since asking this question and praying that prayer have been truly moving.

And I'm in love again!

My body is swayed by the gift of Christ Jesus.  I feel my heart leap for joy!  My thankfulness and awe for the holy bundle that laid in the dirty manger is beyond what I am currently able to process.  But thats the beauty of love! It is a mystery that can never be solved.

I am looking at this Christmas season with new eyes....

I'm alive! I'm alive! I'm alive!      

Rewind the Clock

Its that awkward era of life; I feel like I talk about it often.  I guess I just mostly realize it when I'm around my family. When I'm around them, I want everything to feel as it did 4 years ago. Four years ago, my life was much more intertwined with my family's.  They knew who my friends were in my stories, and they understood what was going on in general.  We were a tight family unit, and I'm desperately trying to reclaim that it seems.

But now, I live nine hours away.  Its hard for my family to understand my stories, or get it in its entirety because the characters involved are somewhat foreign to them.  My everyday life does not involve them, and sometimes I feel like I want it to more than they want to stay involved in mine.  Maybe they're just trying to give me freedom, but I want to bring them with me. My brother has a girlfriend now and I feel like I'm fighting to keep a decent relationship with him now.  I want things to go back to how it was when we would take family road trips and be forcibly cooped up together in one place for an extended period of time with nothing to take away from that family time.  But priorities change and life changes. And me? I guess I'm just trying to find where I belong.

I don't know how to adjust and be happy when I know what I loved so much before.  I want it all to stay the same, to be the way it was right before everything changed.

Go back time, go back. Rewind the clock and give me just a few more hours before the sun rises again.

Thanksgiving

America gives us one (official) day to sit down and think about what we are thankful for, and many of us will let the day slip away almost as quickly as Grandma's mashed potatoes went down. (Sorry if that was a lame joke). But when you really take the time to look at your life, I think you will find some wonderful surprises that you may otherwise overlook (like whatever is in that side dish called stuffing- ok, I'll stop).

So what am I thankful for? Here's a little snippet:

Mom, Dad, Dillon, having an apartment that I can pay for, a reliable paycheck, the opportunity to travel abroad, getting and education, my friends that make life more interesting, accountability, laughter, groceries, my car, music, forgiveness, and God's unrelenting love for me that is impossible to understand.

It is so easy to forget to be thankful.  It is much easier to wallow in dangerous traps set by the Enemy that tells us nothing is good. But there is so much good to be appreciated! At my internship yesterday, I overheard a boy talking about how awful his holiday seasons are.  He has walked away from the past few Christmases with no presents and the past Thanksgivings with nothing much to feast on.  In fact, his family didn't even have enough money to keep their lights turned on. So for me to even think for one moment that I have nothing to be thankful for is to be ungrateful for everything in my life.

Don't give Satan the satisfaction of disowning the good and blessed things that have happened in your life.  The same guy that I was talking about above, he too has plenty to be thankful for.  He's had opportunities to pursue a singing career and now he is headed towards a higher education.

Be thankful. Whatever it is in your life, give thanks. And never, for one moment think that there is nothing good in your life because in doing so, you tear down the great work that was done through Christ Jesus.

One Of Those Nights...

Today is just one of those days where I really don't like people.

I don't want to text anyone, call anyone, be asked anymore questions, I don't really want to be around people, hear talking, just leave me alone.

For today.

Love for a Sinner Just Doesn't Make Sense

I simply cannot wrap my mind around the great mysteriousness of God. I am left standing in front of Him, feeling as though I know absolutely nothing of Him, and yet, I am compelled by the mystery of it all to go further. I cannot tell you how many times I have prayed, "God, I just want to know you more..." It seems that no matter how many times I pray that prayer, I still don't understand. How could a God who is in charge of the universe know me so intimately?  When I really take the time to sit down and spend quality time with God, I feel like the only one He cares about, and that's how love should feel. But what blows my mind is that this love is extended to every single person across this earth.  There is no limit to who can have this intimate relationship. There are no requirements, no standards. Nothing. Just a desire to be loved.

I don't think I've ever realized how much of a sinner I am until this year. I guess if I'm going to be honest, I never really took the time to notice the things in my life that truly were and are sin. I figured that as long as I wasn't drinking, swearing, or having sex, I was pretty golden. Repentance didn't seem like something I needed. Pride much?

I started asking God to show me the areas in which sin had a hold on me. It started getting messy, and I was ashamed. Ashamed that I had fallen into the sin of thinking I wasn't that bad of a sinner. According to God, all sins are equal. My sins weigh just as heavily as someone who has robbed a bank, or murdered their own family. When you compare things like that, it's easy to start feeling pretty awful about yourself. I think one negative thought about someone, and I'm in the same boat as the guy who blew up a convenient station. In our human eyes, the latter seems most unforgivable. We let the negative thoughts slide, because hey, we all think those from time to time.

But God doesn't play favorites; we are all sentenced the same death.

Or given the same gift of life.

And that's just crazy to me! Why would a God so holy, so pure, and so perfect, create a way out? I can give no other explanation other than it was all for love.  I serve a God who loves community, and doesn't want anyone to miss out, so we are all given the same chance. All of us.  The beauty of it!

I wish and I pray that I could love people and love God with even the smallest fraction of how He loves. I try, I fail, and I'm forgiven again because my heavenly Father knows me as He created me to be- not the one who is tainted by worldly pleasures.

God sees me for what He originally created. He doesn't see me dirty. And although all I can see is my filth, and my unworthiness, I am immensely grateful that in the Creator's eyes, I too am holy.

I just can't wrap my mind around it. It doesn't make sense! But regardless of it's clarity to me, I am driven to pursue God more and to be in community with Him.

Nothing makes sense, but somehow, it really doesn't need to.

Hallelujah!!

Dear "Men" of the World...

Live up to your "man" reputation and BE one.

I'm a girl who believes chivalry should never die. I appreciate the door being held open for me, and even more so when the guy continues to stand there and hold the door open for a long string of people. That shows a lot about his character.

Second. Don't ask a girl out via text message, email, or through a third party member. If you're really interested, you'll take the time to make that personal connection, and the chances of her saying "yes" multiplies dramatically. We recognize the courage it takes to approach us and those that actually do when big time. Sending text messages and emails is taking the easy way out, and I haven't placed myself in the easy category, sorry.

Make your intentions clearer. Our hearts take ideas and run with them in all sorts of directions unless there have been clear intentions stated. It really just makes things easier for everyone.

Please, show an interest in us. I love hearing about other people and for the most part, I prefer to let others do the talking because I love their stories. But, it really means the world to me when I am directly asked about myself. That being said, there is no bigger turn off for me than a guy who never asks me a single question. Or, if he does but then immediately checks out...adios senor.

I guess the moral of my brief rant here, is A) Men, be men. And B) Please, pursue us.
For the sake of holding back a lot of frustration, I won't go more in detail. Just ponder this for a while.

Man up.
 

Moving On

Today is one of those days that I realize everything around me is changing. As I take that sentence in, my body is filled with a whirlwind of emotions and I don't really know where or when I'll settle.

I'm mourning for my life past and the death it is speeding towards, and at the same time, I'm watching myself cautiously opening new doors. I'm stuck in the dichotomy of wanting everything to stay the same, but I'm tired of everything being the same and want new experiences.

I went home over fall break but to be honest, I was eager to come back to Nashville. Of course it was great to see my family, but I don't think I was ready to be back there. It was odd being home, a feeling I really don't know how to describe, one I hadn't really experienced before, one I'm still trying to decipher. I guess I just feel myself growing up and I'm being forced to as other people move on and grow up around me too.

Sometimes, I feel the only who is allowed to move on is myself....how selfish. I want to move on but know that everything I left behind has stayed the same, just waiting for me should I desire to return. It doesn't work out that way, and it's completely unfair for me to expect it to. If I'm feeling like this, I'm sure everyone around me is feeling something similar. Their lives have their own orbit, and for a brief, incredibly wonderful amount time, our paths were intertwined and I could not be more thankful.

I guess I'm just scared for what is going to happen next. I'm scared because I don't think I want to go back home this summer. I'm scared because the people that once were there are moving on too, and I don't want to be left by myself. I'm scared because I don't want to be on my own...but I do.

Nothings the same anymore and change is a hard thing to adapt to. I'm trying to embrace it, I'm trying to deal with my emotions, and I'm trying to understand my own word vomit I just spewed.

You Can't Mean What You Said...

You can't mean what you said,

because your history says you're a liar. 

I won't believe the words that you say,

because I know what truth sounds like.

I curse your lips as you aim to taint me with a kiss,

and as you prey upon my heart

be ware that I am part of the Victor's team.

Your efforts are made in vain.

Your subtle whispers become a scream

and you stamp your feet, as if your anger deserves my attention.

I'll continue to turn my back, and deny you recognition

but I'll call you out for what you truly are.

Armored and sealed, you can shoot, but it will not be my death.

Keep wasting your time, and I'll keep running forward.

Soon enough, you'll hear my victory laugh

as I dance upon your grave

which you intended to dig for me. 

Bucket List....To be continued

I figured this is one of those things that everyone needs to make. So I'll start now and add more periodically.

- Take up boxing
- Learn piano
- Become fluent in Spanish
- International Travel: Australia, Iceland, Ireland, England, Sweden, Chile, New Zealand, Canada, Egypt, Greece, Panama, Argentina (next semester wooo!)
- Visit all 50 states
- Ride a motorcycle
- Skydive
- Get married
- Pay off student loans

Getting Rid of Pride Rock

I've been reading Mere Christianity by CS Lewis lately; and today's chapter was on the subject of sin. Actually, I haven't even finished the chapter yet, I was interrupted with dinner.  But I left off on the subject of pride. Pride is the sin of all sins and it leads in to everything else. I guess you could call it the marijuana of sins.  I'm just fascinated with how deeply pride can affect every aspect of life and I'm determined to burn it's existence from my being. Yet that is a goal that I fear can never be accomplished, but always something to work towards.

We all want to be noticed in some way or another. We dress a certain way to stand out amongst the rest of the kids. We save up stories that we have worked on, perfecting the delivery of it for that perfect audience. We always want to look and be the best, so we pick an easy target to tackle and then give ourselves a gold medal and stand on the winner's podium for leaving them in the dust.

I hear it gets lonely up there.

I don't want to be the one person standing on top of Pride Rock, looking down on everyone else. I don't want to do things simply because it will get me closer to the top (whatever that really means). I want to be the kind of person who will stop to help someone who's car has broken down on the side of the highway. And at the end of that day, I want to completely forget that I ever did that so I won't feel even the slightest temptation to pat myself on the back. I don't want to live as a "servant" who all the while is hoping to make headlines in the paper for feats such as "Saved 183 Babies From Burning Hospital" or "Built Housing Community For Homeless." I want to be a servant who looks for no other credit than having the hope that God will someday tell me "Well done."

I pray that I might be able to forget myself and forget my desires. I want to climb down from all of the Pride Rocks that I build and simply live. And I pray that I would actually see the steps necessary to climb down from there.




  

Running Away

Sometimes I feel like I run away from everything. Sometimes I want to. Sometimes it just might be a habit. 

I never want to miss out on things. I want to be a part of everything, of anything that will allow me to be a part of it. But I'm finding I don't really want to be a part of it as much as I want to experience it. I want to be in it as far as I can without becoming consumed with it and forever associated with it. I guess I'm afraid of that vulnerability. I'm afraid of what might happen if I let all of me in to the many different outlets I try. I'm afraid that too many people will know me before I even know myself.

So what do I do? I run.

Some might say that I'm just trying something new. Perhaps I am sometimes. But many times, I feel like I just hit a wall of not knowing whether to dive in further and become more vulnerable or move on to someplace else where I can start over again.

Maybe thats why I go to school out of state. Maybe thats why I want to study abroad. Maybe thats why I'm searching for a different church now. Maybe thats why I always want to meet new people. Maybe thats why I'm much more comfortable in the introduction phase than the "getting to know you" phase.

But I think I'm growing weary of this act. I think I'm finally wanting to be in a place where I am known beyond what is spoken at "hello." I want to fully be a part of a bigger something, and I don't want to run away when I sense those relationships growing stronger. I want to push through the awkward getting to know you phase, onward towards the "comfortable to be or say anything" stage.

I want to be more available, and more actively involved in the world directly around me. I don't want to get passed by anymore.

When I come back from Argentina in the spring, I think I will be ready to stay put for a while. I think I'll be ready and willing to push my vulnerability. 

Until then, I'll try not to run away as much. I'm finding theres not as much mysteriousness involved in that as I once thought. Rather, the world takes it in as a passing breath, but I want so much to be more than that.

People Are Funny

Contrary to origins of my blog, this entry is about the observations I've made of people as opposed to learning something new about me. I just find these observations humorous, I apologize if you cannot relate to this. 

After working in a self-serve frozen yogurt shoppe for over a year now, it's become apparent to me that the human race is just not as smart as we'd like to think we are. For instance, above each yogurt dispenser, there is a sign that tells which lever (right or left) to pull for which flavor. Yet, despite these wonderful instructions, it amazes me how many times a day I am asked "ummmm, which one is vanilla?" Maybe we forget how to read when we are not getting paid to do so. 


Along these same lines, all of the flavors are listed in big, bold letters for you to read from standing outside the store. For instance, this week the signs read: Vanilla, Strawberry, Chocolate, Peanut Butter, Tart, Ginger-Lemonade.  Its a tough fight to hold back my sarcastic remarks when a customer asks me "Do you guys have raspberry??" Is that one of the flavors listed? Didn't think so. 

Unfortunately, I didn't get to witness this, but a co-worker told me about a 12 year-old girl who could not get the cookie dough piece off of the tongs, so she placed the entire thing in her mouth. TWELVE! I'd expect that from a 2 year-old, but come on now. 


We have several coupons circulating right now- two look very similar but one expired in September. I had a customer present me one of the coupons that had expired in September, so I told her that I was unable to accept it because it was several weeks past the expiration date. This customer stared at me as if Godzilla was climbing the Empire State Building behind me. This customer then proceeded to ask me, "Sooo. You're not going to honor this?" Now please, tell me how that would be honorable? We are doing you a favor (kind of) in offering these coupons. Thankful much? If you're so in to cutting coupons (confession: I am)...keep cutting and work on those organizational skills to keep the expiration dates right. 

And then theres the world of parenting. I am learning so much about what not to do, should I ever become a parent. This is the great privilege of working in a rather affluent setting. In a self-serve yogurt business, children will serve themselves a cup the size of their head. Either the parent laughs and tells the kid "Oh, you'll never eat that much" but still allow them to waste money that could be set aside in a college fund, or the parent will look at me as if to say "Well, where were you when my kid poured themself a mountain of yogurt??" And to that I respond: Where was I? Where were YOU?? Oh yeah, talking with your neighbor about the next European cruise you would be taking. It's a slightly smaller vacation than the one you took last year, but, it will do... 


People, people, people. 


***I feel as if I should make a disclaimer. I absolutely love my job. I just get great entertainment from the daily interactions that take place there. I certainly intend no harm to our loyal customers.***

    

Hi, How Are You?

Pet peeve: people who greet others with "Hey! How are you?" and then walk away before hearing a response.

Please, don't ask the question if you don't care. 

I try to throw people off with that question sometimes and respond.  Someone had asked me how I was doing once right after I'd completed a series of about thirty sneezes. So I replied that I was doing "sneezing." Yes yes, not correct grammar. But I think you get the point. At another time, I happened to be really hungry, so I replied by telling the person that I could really go for a sandwich. 

Those are the kind of answers I love to hear, and yet everyone pulls the blanket response of "good." I don't believe that everyone everywhere is always doing good. I want to see people, I want to know what's going on in their lives. I want them to know that I truly do care and truly do want to know what is happening in their world. 

This puts me in a frustrating position sometimes though. Because I feel I spend a good amount of time asking others how they're doing, I expect to be asked the same in return. I don't generally spout out my life without being probed. I like to know that people are taking an interest in me and I want to feel like they might actually care about what I have to say, so I typically refrain from speaking until asked. Thats why it means the world to me when I get a phone call or a text from someone who just wanted to see how I was doing. It warms my heart through and through. Unfortunately, that doesn't happen as often as I'd like, and I'm left feeling like I'm always making the initiatives to call people, check up on them, and maintain that relationship. 

I hate having a high emotional intelligence because my need to be emotionally cared for often goes unmet. I try to inquire about other people because I know what it does for me, and I know that people have all different types of gifts to be used in society. It's hard not to be selfish, and want everything that benefits me. 

But really, I wish we all learned how to love and care about each other more. We could all use a little more of that.  

Right now.

Senioritis

But not that kind.

Today I had the pleasure of standing in line behind a lovely old couple at Chick-fil-a. And when I say lovely, I mean it with absolutely no sarcasm this time. I had already ordered my food and was back up at the counter for a refill on a coke. It was one of those days where nothing really phased me and I felt a lot more tolerant about certain things, thus the reason why this elderly couple taking forever in front of me, honestly, didn't bother me.

I don't usually think old people are cute and I'm not typically attracted to wrinkles.  But today, I'd describe this couple as cute. They stood there, side by side, and it was so clear that they had not a care in the world. They didn't seem to realize the growing line behind them. The only thing that mattered was themselves. I know, it sounds selfish, but in this moment, it wasn't. In this moment, I found myself dreaming about the moment when I will stand side-by-side with my husband with no other care in the world. No more worrying about jobs, money, people to please and places to go.  Just him and I. It was so clear to me that this couple knew everything about one another, was completely comfortable, and was completely content just....to be.

But I'm not quite ready to adorn myself with wrinkles. I'm just noticing the beauty of life, and life in it's entirety.  

The Fall of Man, The Beginning of Grace

I'm sure the majority of people know the story of Adam and Eve, the two luckiest people who threw it all away and ruined life for the rest of us. I've started reading Genesis again. For some reason, I'm always hesitant to start reading at the beginning of the Bible. It's like, in my mind, I feel that starting at the beginning is uncool.... I don't know. Reading in the middle of a book makes me feel so much more accomplished. But anyway.

So when God created Adam and Eve, they walked around this incredible garden completely naked, and 2:25 says "they felt no shame." There was nothing wrong with being unclothed, it was normal and a heck of a lot more practical. After being tricked in to eating the fruit from the tree of good and evil, Adam and Eve realized that they were naked, and suddenly, it wasn't ok anymore. They were ashamed, and tried hiding from God in the garden.

In comes God, demanding to know who told Adam and Eve they were, indeed, naked. Upon finding out they had eaten from the tree (which I really think he knew before they fessed up), God cursed the serpent and then cursed man...including increased pains during childbearing. Thanks Eve.

Thats the jest of the story, and the only part I usually pay attention enough to. But in my readings today, I discovered something more. I discovered God's grace with Adam and Eve, and I'd venture to say it is the first showing of grace.

3:21 says, "The Lord God made garments of skin for Adam and his wife and clothed them." Now hold on, because I thought God was angry! But no, despite giving in to the serpent's tempting, God still cares about Adam and Eve. Even though He created them to walk around in the garden naked, God realizes their imperfection and mistakes and cares for them anyway. I can almost hear God saying, "Hey, this is not really what I had intended for you guys, but look, I love you anyway."  Of course they were still punished, but that does not override God's love.

That verse is just blowing my mind right now. There is evidence of God's supreme grace all the way back to the beginning of man. That's something truly incredible and I can't fully wrap my head around the greatness of it all.

Sometimes I wonder why God loves me and accepts me back when I fail and dishonor him. I'll never understand His reasoning on that. But I pray that I don't take the way He loves for granted.

God. Thank you for your grace and for teaching us of it at the very beginning of mankind.

Entertaining Angels

I hope that by some chance, reading that title has gotten the Newsboys song stuck in your head.

While overall, I would say that today was not my day, I did witness a very cool story that I want to share.

I was at my internship at Rocketown today and all the staff members had gone into a meeting. I was hanging out in the coffee bar, editing some interviews and greeting any people who may come in (we weren't open yet, but people will come by to drop off a package or something).

I watched as a man dressed in jeans and a baggy shirt came up the stairs. He had a bit of a worried expression, and when I asked if I could help him he said, "Well, first, I really just need to get to a men's room." At that time, my supervisor had come out of the meeting to make sure everything was going alright and we figured out that this man was lost and attempted to help him get back on track. He went to the bathroom and she went back in to the meeting.

When the man came back out, he stopped to ask me how the building was paid for. Because of the nature of the place I work at (not my internship), and the rules we have about giving out information, I was a little hesitant to give out such information. I really couldn't tell you why, I guess I was just taken aback by the question and he most certainly did not look that the typical person I'd like to correspond with. But I told him we were a non-profit organization, to which he asked if we received any money from the government. I told him we didn't. So he asked if he could get our information because he works for a company that would love to make a donation to us.

I'm sorry, what?

Here was a man, who just happened to get lost on our street and came to use our bathroom who left wanting to make a donation to us. While I was not rude towards him, I was just a bit hesitant in speaking with him, sadly, because he looked like trouble to me. I'd like to think that I don't judge, but here I am. Guilty, again.

I could not help but laugh at this encounter. Truly a God moment. Hebrews 13:2 says, "Do not neglect to show hospitality to strangers, for thereby some have entertained angels unknowingly." Well, that was me today. I only wish I had been more hospitable. But I thank God for sending him to our doorstep and for the lesson I learned. But now I pray that God would remove the thought that strangers are always "bad" people. Sure, there's a few crazies out there, but generally, strangers are people just looking for a community. And if I'm such an advocate for community like I claim to be, I need to be more welcoming in all settings. Convicted. Again.

I Apologize For My Selfishness

Far too often I complain about people not taking an interest in me.  I prefer to wait for others to engage in conversation with me before I will acknowledge them, and if that never happens, I find myself getting upset.

Funny, I've failed to look at it from the other side.

What if the people I meet are waiting on me to initiate something. I'm sure they want to feel that people are interested in their lives as well. Everyone is selfish with themselves and thinks that everyone else should act in the same way towards them.

Thats a lot of taking and not much giving.

Sure, I can blame my actions on me having a more introverted personality, but thats just taking the easy way out. I'm sorry for being so absorbed with myself that I've failed to see the needs of others, and that their needs are just like mine.

I want to be bolder in new relationships, not having the expectation of always having to be poured in to. A friend of mine mentioned the other day that there are just going to be some areas where you pour in way more than you'll ever get out. Not necessarily what we would like to happen, but it does all the same.

I apologize for seeming to stuck in my world that I don't engage myself in yours. I truly don't mean to be like that. I need to make more of a conscious effort to turn that habit around, which will be a bit of a challenge as I've discovered that I'm easily intimidated by people. I have another brilliant friend who told me that I can't be intimidated by others because there is simply no time. There's no time to be intimidated because there is an urgency to love.

An urgency to love.

No one walks around with a sign that says "I'm better than you," ok, maybe some people appear to. But God has created us all equally, and equally, He loves us to the highest of heights. So why should I give anyone a title of greater or lesser importance when it is not mine to give?

Sounds like the Enemy is trying to pull on my confidence. Well, I'm really not feeling that right now.

Not this time. God has bigger plans for me and in this moment, it starts with acknowledging people and loving them regardless of what is given back to me. God will fulfill every void I feel man has shorted me on, and twenty times over, at that.

You can't intimidate me any longer, I have an urgency to love you.

asdlkfjaoielawEMOTIONSlaksjdfoaiewkjsfd

Ohhhh. My. I'm just gonna jump right in here.

As of two days ago, I have changed my minor to Spanish, and I will be studying abroad in Argentina next semester.  I'm excited and nervous about this at the same time. Super excited about the cultural experience, sooo nervous about the fact that I don't feel like I have a good enough grasp on the Spanish language to be down there. But, I'll learn right? Oh, and with this program, I'll be down there from February to July. SIX FREAKING MONTHS. And that kind of terrifies me to be honest. A lot.

Why am I doing this? WHYYYYY do I do the things that scare me most?

Because in doing that, I allow God to be God and perform the roles that I know only HE can do. While I sit back and be weak and watch the man work through me. I have no idea where this crazy drive came from though, but I'm glad I have it, and that I act on it. Not always willingly at first, yet I know that in the end I will be so much stronger because of it.

This is all happening incredibly fast too. I've always talked about studying abroad, but for whatever reason felt held back. And now, things are just rolling. I've already got my letter of recommendations out. Crazy. CRAZY!

I'm a mix of jumping emotions and I'm wondering how this is going to play out. I need to trust God to be my Father who provides financially, emotionally and tangibly. I'm stoked to be going on this adventure, but right now, I'm a bit nervous. And I know the first few months will be a huge adjustment period and I HATE adjustment periods.

But, I press on...

Loving God

It's always funny when God teaches you a lesson in the most unsuspecting ways. Like today. I was sitting in my 8 am class, Project Leadership, listening to my professor (who is way too awake at that hour) lecture on what a leader should/ought to be. One of his key expectations was that a leader should have "compassion." The definition he gave for compassion was "caring as much about others as yourself."

I started thinking about my relationship with God. Recently, as I've been questioning God about my dating life (or lack thereof really), I keep hearing him say "learn to love me first," and "you don't REALLY love me yet." Well what in the world does that mean? Of course I love God. I try to imagine going a day without interaction with him and it's impossible.

So I translated the definition my professor gave for compassion into a definition of what it meant to love God.  While I would say that I do love God, I don't know that I've reached the point of caring as much about him as I do myself. But thats an extremely difficult place to get to, I think. And I'm not sure what that will look like.

Maybe the first step is to look at the ways that I love myself. It sounds like an awkward and strange idea, but I really do think thats a good step. How do I show myself that I love and care about me? I bathe and go through all the upkeep my body needs (brushing my hair, teeth, etc), I exercise, I go to school, I hang out with family and friends who encourage and lift me up, I get involved in activities that make me happy, I allow myself to experience emotions, I eat, and when I go places, I bring all of me. This all sounds pretty trivial, but I think it's necessary to break it down a little.

Based on how I love me, how can I learn to love God? And keep in mind that God loves me infinitely more still! First, by taking "care" of God. Taking time to appreciate the beauty that he's created. Taking time to look at some of the intricacies of my surroundings. Educating myself through his Word and relating what I'm learning to daily life. Giving praise to God. Embracing and recognizing the different emotions he has for us. Bringing God with me wherever I go so we can live life together.

Like I said, funny how my project leadership class ended up teaching me how to love God. To really love God. It's a process, it's always a process. I don't believe that there will be a point where I can say, "Ok! I've reached REALLY loving you God!" But I do believe I have work to do, but not on my own. I'm learning to love God while I live life with God.

A Time to Be Selfish?

Today in class (yes, today is Labor Day, and I was in class because it's only an 8 week course), I was talking with two of my peers about all the work we have going on right now. And it's only the third week of class. It's an overwhelming amount that is going to take some incredible acrobatic skill to balance it all. But something that one of the girl's said really struck me. She said "college is the time to be selfish, it's the only time you can actually get away with doing whatever you really want."

Personally, I don't like the phrasing of this sentence, because I don't want to be selfish with my life, but rather giving and sharing of my life with others, and perhaps thats why I'm struggling so much with the course load I have now. It is not allowing me time to really invest in others lives like I truly enjoy doing. It's really only allowing time for me to increase my own academic strengths. Thats all fine and good, except I need a better balance and variety of life.

But back to being selfish. I suppose it is a true statement. Ultimately, right now I don't have anyone else to think about except myself. The activities and things I choose to partake in are really only going to affect me. Maybe some friends and family here and there indirectly, but for the most part, it's just me. I haven't come to a conclusion on how I feel about this season under that lighting. Like I said, I don't want to be selfish, but, it does make sense that this is time to really focus on who I am. And then again, thats why I've started writing this blog, so I can discover who I am. I'm really just not a fan of that word, "selfish."

But, maybe we need really do need this time to be selfish in our focus so we have a firm grasp of who we are before we get turned out to a world of established people.

Maybe I should stop blogging so late at night so my thoughts and processes might make a little more sense.

Anyway, just some bed time thoughts to think about :)

The Fear of Failure

Now seems about as good as any other time to come right out and admit that I sincerely have a fear of failure, and sure, lets top it off with a fear of letting people down.

Let me give you some examples. Today, I ran the dishwasher in our condo for the first time, but I was so afraid the soap would explode and foam out of it (which happened to a previous roommate), I could not enjoy my limited time for a nap. I didn't want to fail my roommates or the potential fate of our carpet. It is also a huge stress factor for me to be on time to places, and by on time, I mean 10 minutes early. I don't want to hold anyone up, I don't want to fail their plans from beginning, or let them down by being late. In first grade, we had the stoplight system for discipline. Green meant good, yellow meant a minor offense/warning, red meant there'd be some consequences and double red meant serious consequences. One day in class, the girl I was sitting next to continued to engage in conversation with me, thus, by the end of the day, my card had been turned to double red. I was absolutely devastated because I had failed myself and the standards I had set, and I had also let my teacher down. I was so upset that I went home that night and wrote a letter of apology to my teacher, explaining what happened and requesting that my seat be moved far away from that girl. That red card meant failure, and I never wanted to see it again.

Were those stupid examples to throw out? Yes. However, I think you understand a little more of what I mean. I feel like a lot of this stuff has been resurfacing as I'm getting back in to the school mode, and even more so because I'm realizing that I only have 2 more years until graduation and I feel completely unprepared. I'm scared to go out into the work force and be completely on my own. I'm scared that I won't ever get a job, that no one will hire me, or if they do, I won't know how to complete the tasks they give me. I'm afraid I'm going to fail miserably at being an adult, and I'm just not sure how I'll be able to handle it. It's easier to fail when you're still under your parents care, because there is still that cushion to catch you on the way down. If, and when I fail now, my butt will be sitting on hard concrete.

I don't like that. I know they say you learn so much when you fail, but I don't know that I'm prepared to take the pain (I don't have a high pain tolerance at all). I don't know when or why I gave myself such high goals of perfection, but now I don't want them to be there. I need them to be ripped away so I know that it is ok for me to fail. Do I know that perfection is something that I can never obtain? Yes, but, it's a goal I seem to have given myself, and now it's becoming clear of its role as a sin that I need to ask forgiveness for. I'm striving for a life that only Jesus could live. It was never my job, nor will it ever be, to lead a perfect life.

Funny how I had never seen my aims at perfection as being sinful, yet here, at the bottom of this blog entry, it has never been more clear to me that it indeed is. There's an eye opener for ya.

So on that note... here's to embracing failure and enjoying the fall! Because it is in the fall that I can truly see and understand the greatness of God and worship him for the role he owns and deserves.

Live Intentionally

My prayer as of lately is that I would not just go through the motions of life. I don't want to wake up, eat breakfast, go to class, say hi to a few friends, go to work, sleep and then repeat it all again. I want my days to have a substance and a value greater than what this world tells me I am living for; myself. I've been asking God to help me live intentionally. The funny thing about that is, you actually have to be intentional about living intentionally because at first, it's not the easiest thing to do.

I'm finding that I need to actually think about what I'm doing, who I'm hanging out with and why. The ultimate driving force in my mind is that I want to love everyone that I ever encounter. If there is an area they are struggling with, I want to walk alongside of them to encourage and support them all to attempt to love them in the same fashion that Christ does.

Today was a great example of how I want to live my life with purpose. I hung out with a girl, now a new friend, who is getting adjusted to a new place and just wanted to feel included. It was amazing company, I branched out of my usual circle. Later, I did a scavenger hunt with Rocketown and I met people that I never thought I would associate with. But they needed help, and they came looking for community. It was so awesome to be able to see what I've been praying about come to life. I pray that I would continue daily making these decisions to live intentionally.

I don't write about my experiences today for you to give me a gold star, or a high five. I write it as a check point and an example of God's answers to my prayers. I write it because I need to remember what living intentionally looks like. I didn't use much detail with those scenarios because, one, I'm tired and can't formulate the best way of telling those stories, and two, it doesn't really matter. The point is, today I woke up with the mindset that I didn't just want it to be another Saturday. I could have gone to the pool or hung out with the people I am all to comfortable with. But where is the growth in that? Where do I see God's kingdom advancing in all of that? Yes, there are without a doubt times when things like that are needed, rest is needed. But I don't want to rest for all of my life. I want to see change, I want to see life.

So tomorrow, when you wake up, I challenge you to take a look at your schedule and intentionally think about ways that you can live intentionally for that day. I think, and I hope, the longer we are intentional about doing so, the more natural it becomes so that we won't have to "plan out" our intentions (note, even when we plan these things, know that God has complete authority to change those directions). For now, I'll keep training my mind and actions to: live intentionally. live intentionally,live intentionally,live intentionally.....

Something to Prove?

I've been assigned a project of interviewing staff members to kind of "get their story." Later, I'll type it all up so the information can be passed out to important people who want to get to know the staff better, and understand who's working there.

I had an interesting encounter with one of the staff members today. Basically, before I even started talking to her, she flat out told me that she does not like interns. I asked why and she replied that "interns always want to take and take, and never want to give anything in return." This is totally not my mentality at all. In fact, my whole reason for wanting to intern at Rocketown was so I could give back to what has been given to me through my time in youth group. I love the mission of Rocketown, I love the purpose of it's existence and I love that the staff are all firm believers in that. I did not choose to intern here because I want a jumpstart in my career. Sure, I want to learn more about the communications industry, but I truly just want to be involved in Nashville, I want to be with the people who have grown up here, and to experience what thats like. I want to put in time to a ministry that cares so deeply about it's participants, because that is what I've experienced in my own life.

Sure, this isn't the mindset of every person who's gone in there, and I hate that there have been some interns who have not given more than they've taken. I hate that the image has already been spoiled for me. So now I feel like I have something to prove. I never want to be that intern who's not giving back. So I have this drive and a constant check point running in my mind of my actions as an intern.

I sincerely hope and pray that my heart is seen during my time at Rocketown. I refuse to become one of "those" interns. I have been called to serve, and that is what I want to do.

Put Your Hands Up and Let the Breeze Flow

Tonight was a perfect evening. One of my roommates and I took a little drive in her BMW convertible. There is just nothing like being out on the open roads, with no direction at all other than going as far away from the city as possible. The weather was perfect, the breeze was incredible... it was just, good.

So what I learned today was to just let go. It really is that simple. We are so quick to become uptight and so legalistic and professional that we forget about living. We forget about breathing. We forget that God created a world for us to enjoy and embrace and really feel.  The world wasn't created so that we would have to wear a suit and tie, carrying our lives in a briefcase while constantly being on our best behavior.

Take a look around. See the butterflies that are fluttering in great abundance right now. Listen to children playing outside. Eat a juicy burger and finish it off with ice cream. Forget about having to work off all those calories, enjoy it for what it is. Tell someone you truly care about them, and allow yourself to be cared for. Soak in life for what has been given to you.

As school starts this week and the hectic routine will pick up again, I pray that I, and everyone really, would not become so engrossed in the things we "have to do" that we lose sight of what's currently around us. I pray that our schedules won't discourage us from being spontaneous or that our career goals won't stop us from going after the passions kept deep down in our souls.

Forgive me if this entry sounds too hippie-like (I have been called one quite often lately).  I just needed a reminder to live, and to enjoy the life given to me, and to embrace what I am surrounded with. If you find yourself getting lost in the day in and day out, take a drive, or something freeing.

Put your hands up and let the breeze flow.

Little Moments

Yesterday was one of those days where I was doubting my place here, in Nashville. It seems my mind is constantly buzzing with comments that suggest I should indeed, return back to Raleigh. I fight every semester to come back up here, and every semester I seriously consider not. It's not that I don't want to be at Belmont, it's just a huge financial leap. Yet, I always hear God's promise to me, "I will provide." After this past summer, and not having an actual job, yet coming out of it with more money than I would have made should I have held a job, I am reminded once again that, indeed, God will provide.

But yesterday, I just wasn't sure. I needed confirmation of my place here, I needed to know I wasn't just coming out here simply because I wanted to, but I was coming out here to follow God's footsteps for me.  It had been raining all day yesterday, really it was just a gross day where the sun never shines. Needless to say, it was the perfect day to be running errands all over the city, getting drenched every time I got out of the car.  As I was driving back from a friends house, the radio was on, and as I had just changed the station when the lyrics of the previous song suddenly clicked in my mind. It was a song by the Afters, and the lyrics went like this,  "You light up the sky, You light up the sky to show me You are with me, I can't deny that You are right here with me..." Now, at this exact moment, I noticed the sun had appeared through the clouds and lit up the sky, after a days worth of gloom. Cue the goosebumps. And then almost immediately after the song was through, the rain picked back up again.

Confirmation? Yeah, I think so. Praise God for that!

So as if that wasn't enough, today I went down for a little orientation meeting at Rocketown, the place where I will be interning this semester. As I was taking a tour throughout the facility and my supervisor was giving a little history of it all, I was overwhelmed with such great emotions of joy. I'm really just not sure how to accurately explain how I was feeling, but it definitely had God written all over it. Tears of joy were even welling up in my eyes, thats how overwhelmed I was... and this is coming from a girl who doesn't embrace crying that easily. But, ahhh! I just am so so so excited to work there and become a part of that team in which I am absolutely in love with the whole business plan and what they do.

Hallelujah, thank you Lord for such wonderful confirmations.

And to everyone who tries to tell me differently about where I should be, hear me say this now: For the time being, Nashville is where I am to be. And where I will stay until God moves my path elsewhere.  

Pretending to Be Adults

I spent today much like I spent yesterday. I've been running around all over Nashville trying to find things that will make my apartment look like a place where some kind of an adult lives. It is absolutely frustrating! I went grocery shopping, rather, I attempted to. Never before did I realize it was possible to suck at such a seemingly easy task, but I assure you all, I royally sucked at it. I walked up and down the aisles looking at things that looked like they could be good, yet somehow I convinced myself I really didn't need to purchase that. Here's a rundown of what I actually bought:

Milk, Apples, Veggie Chips, Spaghetti, Sauce, Green Beans, Cheerios.

WHAT DO I DO WITH THAT?!?!!

I realized after I had left the store that, other than spaghetti, there are really no other meals I can make. Who knew one could fail so miserably at that. 

The funny thing is, before my terrible grocery trip, I was really excited to be able to go grocery shopping for myself; finally able to get what I want and for once, have a stocked pantry. Grocery shopping for myself, because I live in apartment now, because now I have to take care of all of that fancy stuff on my own... all of that really means...I'm kind of an adult. But after walking around in the grocery store, I felt smaller than an ant (I was, after all, surrounded by seasoned mother's who knew how to work those aisles). 

I think we all like the idea of being an adult. We like the idea of being on our own, having a career, buying our own food, coming up with new recipes, putting a deposit down on a house... and the list goes on. In theory, these things are great, I guess. Responsibility, taking care of things. Party on. After my experience today though, I realized that I'd much rather pretend to be an adult than actually BE one. I like the current situation of being an "adult" during the school year but then getting to come home and revert back to being a carefully cared for child. Pretend adult. 

I wonder how many actual adults out there wish they could go back to being a kid again, not having to worry about the world and it's consequences. I wonder how many just want to be held by their own parents when they have a cold. Who wouldn't want to be taken care of? 

All of this is really saying, "I'm scared." I'm scared of becoming an official adult, where I can no longer run home and be the child again. I like the idea of doing all those adult things, it sounds pretty cool. Yet, for some reason, when it all gets down to it, I'm just not sure I want to be a real adult. I'd much rather pretend. 

Quick Goodbyes

I left my home in Raleigh this morning, and now I am sitting in my condo in Nashville, waiting on friends to go eat dinner. Funny how less than a days drive will bring you to a completely different life, and yet, it's all the same.

It's always easier to be the one that is leaving, you're looking forward to something new and maybe even returning to a place that already knows you. The hard part is usually for those that are left behind, or so the common belief is. I guess I can believe that. Today, I was the one leaving, but it seemed just as hard to say goodbye.

I felt like all of the "goodbyes" I had to give were way to rushed. In my mind, weeks before leaving, I always plan to write meaningful goodbye letters to let those that I'm leaving behind know how I feel about them, and how much I'll miss them (I'm way better at expressing my feelings in writing than bringing out the emotional, heartfelt speeches in the open). Time sped forward and I didn't get to do that. So I'm left with wanting people to know how much I appreciate their friendships, how much I have learned from them, what they have helped me through, the joy that they have brought to my life and so much more. I know I need to get better at expressing this verbally, but at the same time, I feel like "letters" are so much more heartfelt. I'll probably still write a few notes just to get it out of my system.

All this to say, I really hated the all too quick goodbyes I had to give. I wish I could have lingered in the moment just a little longer, holding on to those last bits of summer and everything that came with it. So hear me say that I really will miss you all dearly, to those that I have left behind. To those that I have just returned to, I am excited for the coming days. Forgive me for such an abrupt goodbye, but know that you all mean the world to me.

This would work a lot better if everyone I knew read this, but oh well! It's the thought that counts!

Forgive Me for the Silence

I am a woman of few words.

I do not enjoy filling up space with empty words, but would rather speak with words with meaning behind them. I am very much an observer, and I always find it surprising just how much I know about others based on my "quiet" observations. Call me a stalker, but I'd prefer to call it taking good people notes.

I thrive better in smaller, more intimate groups than I do in larger settings. The larger the setting, the more I tend to drop back and watch. I'm not one to fight for attention, so thats why I enjoy the smaller, intimate groups more. I enjoy more personal time, and really getting to know people. However, just because I'm in a larger group does not mean that I am not enjoying myself. I genuinely love to be surrounded by people, again because of my love for observing.

My silence doesn't meant I'm not interested or not capable of intelligent communication, I'm just an internal processor. I think things over before I respond, and that itself has pros and cons.

It means the world to me when a question is asked and directed specifically towards me and of course sometimes I need that little jump start to not let my views and thoughts go on overlooked. So, thank you to those who make a point to ask. I'm trying to get better at more freely offering my opinions before being asked.

There's really no real rhyme or reason for this entry, just going along with discovering who I am.

Summer Recap

Is recap short for recapture? I've never really thought about that before, I just use the word.

Summer is dwindling down quickly, and by that I mean it's Thursday and I leave for Nashville on Monday. Have I packed? Nope. I'll get around to it on Saturday and then realize just how much stuff I left out. Oooh well, I guess you could say I like to live dangerously, haha!

I figured I better start preparing my answer to that infamous back to school question, "how was your summer?" I'm not the type of person to just reply with "good, yours?" I hate the lack of engagement in that.   (Side note: If I ask you how you're doing, I'm genuinely interested. Seriously. And if you ask me how I'm doing, I won't let you go with an easy "good").

Anywayyy, back to my summer recap. It really hasn't been a thrilling one, filled with pictures and memorable experiences like so many in the past have seemed. Don't get me wrong though, I've thoroughly enjoyed my time off, even those long periods of doing nothing. I'm not sure when I'll see that again.  In short, I spent my summer interning with the college ministry, building old friendships, creating new ones, and tons of family time. Thats the surface answer, the deeper answer is that this summer, I've heard and understood and learned about God in completely new ways. The lessons I've learned have been eye opening and leave me standing in awe. A pretty consistent prayer of mine is that I would grow in faith and learn about God in ways that I couldn't have imagined before. Ask and you shall receive.

The biggest lesson, well really, transformation, is the breaking down of such high emotional walls I had maintained for many years. There is still healing and rebuilding and probably more destruction, but in the end, I have learned to let others in further and see who I am. Ha, this means embracing those infamous female emotional roller coasters.
I've been freed and forgiven of things I didn't feel I could deal with, or rather, didn't want to.
I've learned why men should pursue women.
I've learned how to forgive others.
God gives, and he takes away. I may not understand the reasons, but I believe in his power and authority.
God will provide when he says he will.
I've taken on a more content spirit (I think).
God cares about seemingly stupid issues, but thats because I am His.
I've learned to allow God to bless me and not worry that something horrible MUST be coming.
I've learned more of God's romancing heart.

Thats a lot to take in, all of that. Maybe I didn't take a billion pictures this summer, or take any crazy trips. But I tell you, I've grown and changed and have built a stronger foundation on my Father and there is no experience that I would trade for that.

So now I ask you: How was your summer?

The Answer

Well, I asked God a lot about forgiveness yesterday, and I tell you what, he answered every single one of my questions and cleared up all my confusion. I absolutely love it when God does that.

As I stated yesterday, I had been struggling with forgiveness yet not wanting to be walked over. God spoke through our senior pastor today to deliver those answers to me.

In the current situation I'm in, I've realized that I've been seeking revenge (I'm not sure I'd quite use that word because it seems a little harsh, but essentially, that's what it is). I wanted this person to understand how I was feeling, to know that I was angry and upset. I tried manipulating ways of accomodating that justice that I felt should be served. The problem with this is that God is in charge of justice, not me. An important question to ask is if I'm willing to let God be God and trust justice to him, even if it takes years to be served, or am I going to play God and attempt to serve justice but end up feeling bitter, not better.  It is so easy to want to seek revenge in a quick and timely manner, but it is important to remember that A) that is not our business to give and B) God's timing is never ours.

This next point was most beneficial to me. After you have been wronged, forgive. Acknowledge what was done, how you feel and that yes, it does deserve punishment, but then hand the situation and all thoughts, feelings and emotions over to God and forgive them. Wait on God for justice. So it IS okay to point out how I feel, and that I don't just have to put on a happy face and pretend it never happened. But I must forgive them and no longer hold what was done against me, against them.

In relating this to my current situation, I have forgiven the wrong that has been done to me. Now I need to sit down with this person and ask forgiveness of myself for trying to manipulate revenge on them. Funny because for the longest time I've been believing that I alone am the victim, but now I see where I have indeed wronged them as well. I can't think of anything more humbling than going face to face before someone and seeking forgiveness.

I love those Sunday mornings where you KNOW God has laid out the sermon just for your ears to hear, and I am so thankful for the lesson I have learned today.

Follow Me to the Water

Water is therapeutic to me. Call me crazy, but I love the smell of fish mixed with lake or ocean water, this probably all started when my family had a lake house for a period of time at Lake Gaston. That is honestly one of, if not THE, most favorite places of mine. God's presence becomes so real to me when I'm near water. I am immediately calmed and I feel that I can hear God's voice the best when I'm surrounded by the tranquility of water.

I needed to be at the lake today, I needed my "therapy" so to speak. I wished so deeply that I could make that hour drive to Lake Gaston, but we no longer own that house (although I do still have the keys...). I settled for Falls Dam for a little bit of me and God time, plus, I'd been sensing him calling me to that place throughout the week. I knew I needed to be there.

I sat down at a picnic table by myself and gazed at the water, taking in the fish air and just began talking with God.  I didn't know really what I was asking for, or what I truly needed, I just needed to be with him. As I sat there, a man and his puppy came up to play in the water.  The man immediately waded out into the water and called his puppy to follow him. They walked up and down the shallow area, always the man in front and the puppy a few feet behind.

That's when I knew God was speaking to me. "Follow me into the water" is what I was hearing over and over again and God was using the man and his puppy as a visual representation for me. The man was able to walk freely in the water, while the puppy was almost drowning, yet still able to keep his head up, just trying to follow his master. The man knew where he was going, he was confident in his direction and every now and then he would turn back to his puppy and give her a "good girl" word of encouragement. "Follow me into the water."

I feel that God is calling me well, to follow him into the water. I'm not sure what this water may be, but if I'm following him, I am confident in his direction. It may feel like I'm drowning and barely able to make it, but I know that God will only be a few feet in front of me, paving the way. And every now and then he will turn around and give me some sort of reassurance that I am exactly where I need to be and doing exactly what I need to be doing. It's important to remember that God is the one that can walk on top of the water, while I can only swim IN it. Thats why he must go before me and I must follow.

I'm putting on my swim suit and bringing my goggles in case I do get submerged completely. I don't know where I'm going, and I could go in circles. But God has a reason for pulling me in there and all I can do is trust that when I think I'm drowning, he will be right there to pull me back up. It will all be ok in the end. I'm following him into the water.

Forgiving vs. Being "That" Girl

I never want to be "that girl." You know, the one who can be angry one minute at someone and the next time they're given any sort of acknowledgement they come running back with open arms. I don't want to be that girl because I want to confident and strong in who I am and not have that change based on attention.

However, I want to be the girl who can forgive easily. I don't want to hold on to bitterness or anger, I want to be able to shake it off and forgive. I'm struggling with how to balance being forgiving and being the girl who will respond to anyone's attention and ultimately feeling walked over.

Christ has called us to forgive, no matter how many times we are done wrong, and in the bottom of my heart, I want to do that. Yet I also feel that when someone acts in a manner that hurts me, I want them to know that it hurts and I expect an apology. These are two conflicting thoughts and I know which one is wrong.  I've struggled with this before, I guess you could say I have a weak conscious and never want anyone to be angry with me or upset. I try to make every situation smooth, I try to mend and fix every bump that may have formed in my relationships. In doing so, I am often forced to ignore how I'm feeling and put on a smiling face, pretending that nothing ever affected me. I end up feeling walked all over.

Maybe I don't show it, I try to keep a "perfect" face, but my heart is affected. I'm tired of my feelings not being noticed or appreciated. It's a fight learning how to forgive and forget, and I don't like it one bit. I know I am supposed to forgive regardless and I know that when Christ comes back there will be justice, but that time hasn't come and for now, I'm still struggling.

Where is the line between being forgiving but not allowing others to just walk all over you? Is there a line? Do I continue to keep my feelings down and continue smoothing over everything? How do I learn to REALLY forgive and let go of how I'm truly feeling?

It's painful. I wasn't promised a pain free life, and I'm trying to follow after Christ as best as I can and I tell you, sometimes it just isn't fun. But as Paul writes, I must press on. Despite how I'm feeling, despite what's been done to me, I've been given grace and grace to the fullest. Now to be able to return that gift to others and genuinely mean it... that's where I'm at now.

When I Grow Up...

     I'm currently in that awkward stage of not wanting to sit at the kid's table and not quite comfortable sitting at the grown up one. I'm faced with the same questions daily, you know, what do you plan on doing after college, what kind of job do you see yourself in and on and on it goes. But while I'm straddling these two positions, I think it's important to take what I have observed and learned from a more "innocent" child's perspective before I become an adult filled with more knowledge than should be allowed. Children are able to keep things simple and they are able to see what really matters in life, what's really important. As we grow up into adulthood, we often times find ourselves chasing after dreams, stepping on people we swore we never would, and becoming more focused on making money and having things. We lose ourselves in a world of possibilities where everything is never enough. In hopes to prevent that, I've compiled a list of what I would like my future 30 year old (well, earlier and beyond) self:

- Don't live in excess. I think this is the biggest one I want to remember. Christ teaches us that all of our earthly possessions are meaningless anyway. So why carry meaningless stuff around? My time and money and be better spent than on duplicates of lost things that I never used anyway. And along the lines of not wanting to live in excess, I don't want to live in a big house or a rich neighborhood. I want my children to grow up playing in the neighborhood until night with all of their friends, like I was fortunate to do. Plus, big houses just seem to create bigger spaces within the family. I want to see my family and know what's going on without having to call them or facebook them.

- Be generous. Children have such a keen sense of knowing when someone else is in need of something. Not only are they aware of it, but they are also much quicker to respond than adults who dilly dally weighing the consequences.

- Have an open home (be hospitable). I absolutely love how open my parents were to having my friends stay over for a meal, the night or just a couple hours. They got to know my friends and call them their own. I love that involvement and I definitely want that to be the same when I have a family.

- God will provide for everything. I understand it gets overwhelming with so having so many bills to pay on time and wanting to do fun things, but I promise... God will provide. In Matthew, God asks us to look at how the birds of the air flourish without doing a thing. We were made in the image of God himself, so how much more valuable are we?? Trust me, God will provide. I see it on a daily basis. I just hope and pray that I don't forget about this wonderful promise and take matters into my own hands.

- Love, love, love.  Even when I don't feel like it, love. Love those around you regardless of how you're feeling. Love those that are different, those that butt heads with you, and those that are dear to your heart.

There are many more things I'd like to remember for when I finally feel comfortable at the adult table, but for now, this is it.