I simply cannot wrap my mind around the great mysteriousness of God. I am left standing in front of Him, feeling as though I know absolutely nothing of Him, and yet, I am compelled by the mystery of it all to go further. I cannot tell you how many times I have prayed, "God, I just want to know you more..." It seems that no matter how many times I pray that prayer, I still don't understand. How could a God who is in charge of the universe know me so intimately? When I really take the time to sit down and spend quality time with God, I feel like the only one He cares about, and that's how love should feel. But what blows my mind is that this love is extended to every single person across this earth. There is no limit to who can have this intimate relationship. There are no requirements, no standards. Nothing. Just a desire to be loved.
I don't think I've ever realized how much of a sinner I am until this year. I guess if I'm going to be honest, I never really took the time to notice the things in my life that truly were and are sin. I figured that as long as I wasn't drinking, swearing, or having sex, I was pretty golden. Repentance didn't seem like something I needed. Pride much?
I started asking God to show me the areas in which sin had a hold on me. It started getting messy, and I was ashamed. Ashamed that I had fallen into the sin of thinking I wasn't that bad of a sinner. According to God, all sins are equal. My sins weigh just as heavily as someone who has robbed a bank, or murdered their own family. When you compare things like that, it's easy to start feeling pretty awful about yourself. I think one negative thought about someone, and I'm in the same boat as the guy who blew up a convenient station. In our human eyes, the latter seems most unforgivable. We let the negative thoughts slide, because hey, we all think those from time to time.
But God doesn't play favorites; we are all sentenced the same death.
Or given the same gift of life.
And that's just crazy to me! Why would a God so holy, so pure, and so perfect, create a way out? I can give no other explanation other than it was all for love. I serve a God who loves community, and doesn't want anyone to miss out, so we are all given the same chance. All of us. The beauty of it!
I wish and I pray that I could love people and love God with even the smallest fraction of how He loves. I try, I fail, and I'm forgiven again because my heavenly Father knows me as He created me to be- not the one who is tainted by worldly pleasures.
God sees me for what He originally created. He doesn't see me dirty. And although all I can see is my filth, and my unworthiness, I am immensely grateful that in the Creator's eyes, I too am holy.
I just can't wrap my mind around it. It doesn't make sense! But regardless of it's clarity to me, I am driven to pursue God more and to be in community with Him.
Nothing makes sense, but somehow, it really doesn't need to.
Hallelujah!!
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