Moving On

Today is one of those days that I realize everything around me is changing. As I take that sentence in, my body is filled with a whirlwind of emotions and I don't really know where or when I'll settle.

I'm mourning for my life past and the death it is speeding towards, and at the same time, I'm watching myself cautiously opening new doors. I'm stuck in the dichotomy of wanting everything to stay the same, but I'm tired of everything being the same and want new experiences.

I went home over fall break but to be honest, I was eager to come back to Nashville. Of course it was great to see my family, but I don't think I was ready to be back there. It was odd being home, a feeling I really don't know how to describe, one I hadn't really experienced before, one I'm still trying to decipher. I guess I just feel myself growing up and I'm being forced to as other people move on and grow up around me too.

Sometimes, I feel the only who is allowed to move on is myself....how selfish. I want to move on but know that everything I left behind has stayed the same, just waiting for me should I desire to return. It doesn't work out that way, and it's completely unfair for me to expect it to. If I'm feeling like this, I'm sure everyone around me is feeling something similar. Their lives have their own orbit, and for a brief, incredibly wonderful amount time, our paths were intertwined and I could not be more thankful.

I guess I'm just scared for what is going to happen next. I'm scared because I don't think I want to go back home this summer. I'm scared because the people that once were there are moving on too, and I don't want to be left by myself. I'm scared because I don't want to be on my own...but I do.

Nothings the same anymore and change is a hard thing to adapt to. I'm trying to embrace it, I'm trying to deal with my emotions, and I'm trying to understand my own word vomit I just spewed.