The Fear of Failure

Now seems about as good as any other time to come right out and admit that I sincerely have a fear of failure, and sure, lets top it off with a fear of letting people down.

Let me give you some examples. Today, I ran the dishwasher in our condo for the first time, but I was so afraid the soap would explode and foam out of it (which happened to a previous roommate), I could not enjoy my limited time for a nap. I didn't want to fail my roommates or the potential fate of our carpet. It is also a huge stress factor for me to be on time to places, and by on time, I mean 10 minutes early. I don't want to hold anyone up, I don't want to fail their plans from beginning, or let them down by being late. In first grade, we had the stoplight system for discipline. Green meant good, yellow meant a minor offense/warning, red meant there'd be some consequences and double red meant serious consequences. One day in class, the girl I was sitting next to continued to engage in conversation with me, thus, by the end of the day, my card had been turned to double red. I was absolutely devastated because I had failed myself and the standards I had set, and I had also let my teacher down. I was so upset that I went home that night and wrote a letter of apology to my teacher, explaining what happened and requesting that my seat be moved far away from that girl. That red card meant failure, and I never wanted to see it again.

Were those stupid examples to throw out? Yes. However, I think you understand a little more of what I mean. I feel like a lot of this stuff has been resurfacing as I'm getting back in to the school mode, and even more so because I'm realizing that I only have 2 more years until graduation and I feel completely unprepared. I'm scared to go out into the work force and be completely on my own. I'm scared that I won't ever get a job, that no one will hire me, or if they do, I won't know how to complete the tasks they give me. I'm afraid I'm going to fail miserably at being an adult, and I'm just not sure how I'll be able to handle it. It's easier to fail when you're still under your parents care, because there is still that cushion to catch you on the way down. If, and when I fail now, my butt will be sitting on hard concrete.

I don't like that. I know they say you learn so much when you fail, but I don't know that I'm prepared to take the pain (I don't have a high pain tolerance at all). I don't know when or why I gave myself such high goals of perfection, but now I don't want them to be there. I need them to be ripped away so I know that it is ok for me to fail. Do I know that perfection is something that I can never obtain? Yes, but, it's a goal I seem to have given myself, and now it's becoming clear of its role as a sin that I need to ask forgiveness for. I'm striving for a life that only Jesus could live. It was never my job, nor will it ever be, to lead a perfect life.

Funny how I had never seen my aims at perfection as being sinful, yet here, at the bottom of this blog entry, it has never been more clear to me that it indeed is. There's an eye opener for ya.

So on that note... here's to embracing failure and enjoying the fall! Because it is in the fall that I can truly see and understand the greatness of God and worship him for the role he owns and deserves.

Live Intentionally

My prayer as of lately is that I would not just go through the motions of life. I don't want to wake up, eat breakfast, go to class, say hi to a few friends, go to work, sleep and then repeat it all again. I want my days to have a substance and a value greater than what this world tells me I am living for; myself. I've been asking God to help me live intentionally. The funny thing about that is, you actually have to be intentional about living intentionally because at first, it's not the easiest thing to do.

I'm finding that I need to actually think about what I'm doing, who I'm hanging out with and why. The ultimate driving force in my mind is that I want to love everyone that I ever encounter. If there is an area they are struggling with, I want to walk alongside of them to encourage and support them all to attempt to love them in the same fashion that Christ does.

Today was a great example of how I want to live my life with purpose. I hung out with a girl, now a new friend, who is getting adjusted to a new place and just wanted to feel included. It was amazing company, I branched out of my usual circle. Later, I did a scavenger hunt with Rocketown and I met people that I never thought I would associate with. But they needed help, and they came looking for community. It was so awesome to be able to see what I've been praying about come to life. I pray that I would continue daily making these decisions to live intentionally.

I don't write about my experiences today for you to give me a gold star, or a high five. I write it as a check point and an example of God's answers to my prayers. I write it because I need to remember what living intentionally looks like. I didn't use much detail with those scenarios because, one, I'm tired and can't formulate the best way of telling those stories, and two, it doesn't really matter. The point is, today I woke up with the mindset that I didn't just want it to be another Saturday. I could have gone to the pool or hung out with the people I am all to comfortable with. But where is the growth in that? Where do I see God's kingdom advancing in all of that? Yes, there are without a doubt times when things like that are needed, rest is needed. But I don't want to rest for all of my life. I want to see change, I want to see life.

So tomorrow, when you wake up, I challenge you to take a look at your schedule and intentionally think about ways that you can live intentionally for that day. I think, and I hope, the longer we are intentional about doing so, the more natural it becomes so that we won't have to "plan out" our intentions (note, even when we plan these things, know that God has complete authority to change those directions). For now, I'll keep training my mind and actions to: live intentionally. live intentionally,live intentionally,live intentionally.....

Something to Prove?

I've been assigned a project of interviewing staff members to kind of "get their story." Later, I'll type it all up so the information can be passed out to important people who want to get to know the staff better, and understand who's working there.

I had an interesting encounter with one of the staff members today. Basically, before I even started talking to her, she flat out told me that she does not like interns. I asked why and she replied that "interns always want to take and take, and never want to give anything in return." This is totally not my mentality at all. In fact, my whole reason for wanting to intern at Rocketown was so I could give back to what has been given to me through my time in youth group. I love the mission of Rocketown, I love the purpose of it's existence and I love that the staff are all firm believers in that. I did not choose to intern here because I want a jumpstart in my career. Sure, I want to learn more about the communications industry, but I truly just want to be involved in Nashville, I want to be with the people who have grown up here, and to experience what thats like. I want to put in time to a ministry that cares so deeply about it's participants, because that is what I've experienced in my own life.

Sure, this isn't the mindset of every person who's gone in there, and I hate that there have been some interns who have not given more than they've taken. I hate that the image has already been spoiled for me. So now I feel like I have something to prove. I never want to be that intern who's not giving back. So I have this drive and a constant check point running in my mind of my actions as an intern.

I sincerely hope and pray that my heart is seen during my time at Rocketown. I refuse to become one of "those" interns. I have been called to serve, and that is what I want to do.

Put Your Hands Up and Let the Breeze Flow

Tonight was a perfect evening. One of my roommates and I took a little drive in her BMW convertible. There is just nothing like being out on the open roads, with no direction at all other than going as far away from the city as possible. The weather was perfect, the breeze was incredible... it was just, good.

So what I learned today was to just let go. It really is that simple. We are so quick to become uptight and so legalistic and professional that we forget about living. We forget about breathing. We forget that God created a world for us to enjoy and embrace and really feel.  The world wasn't created so that we would have to wear a suit and tie, carrying our lives in a briefcase while constantly being on our best behavior.

Take a look around. See the butterflies that are fluttering in great abundance right now. Listen to children playing outside. Eat a juicy burger and finish it off with ice cream. Forget about having to work off all those calories, enjoy it for what it is. Tell someone you truly care about them, and allow yourself to be cared for. Soak in life for what has been given to you.

As school starts this week and the hectic routine will pick up again, I pray that I, and everyone really, would not become so engrossed in the things we "have to do" that we lose sight of what's currently around us. I pray that our schedules won't discourage us from being spontaneous or that our career goals won't stop us from going after the passions kept deep down in our souls.

Forgive me if this entry sounds too hippie-like (I have been called one quite often lately).  I just needed a reminder to live, and to enjoy the life given to me, and to embrace what I am surrounded with. If you find yourself getting lost in the day in and day out, take a drive, or something freeing.

Put your hands up and let the breeze flow.

Little Moments

Yesterday was one of those days where I was doubting my place here, in Nashville. It seems my mind is constantly buzzing with comments that suggest I should indeed, return back to Raleigh. I fight every semester to come back up here, and every semester I seriously consider not. It's not that I don't want to be at Belmont, it's just a huge financial leap. Yet, I always hear God's promise to me, "I will provide." After this past summer, and not having an actual job, yet coming out of it with more money than I would have made should I have held a job, I am reminded once again that, indeed, God will provide.

But yesterday, I just wasn't sure. I needed confirmation of my place here, I needed to know I wasn't just coming out here simply because I wanted to, but I was coming out here to follow God's footsteps for me.  It had been raining all day yesterday, really it was just a gross day where the sun never shines. Needless to say, it was the perfect day to be running errands all over the city, getting drenched every time I got out of the car.  As I was driving back from a friends house, the radio was on, and as I had just changed the station when the lyrics of the previous song suddenly clicked in my mind. It was a song by the Afters, and the lyrics went like this,  "You light up the sky, You light up the sky to show me You are with me, I can't deny that You are right here with me..." Now, at this exact moment, I noticed the sun had appeared through the clouds and lit up the sky, after a days worth of gloom. Cue the goosebumps. And then almost immediately after the song was through, the rain picked back up again.

Confirmation? Yeah, I think so. Praise God for that!

So as if that wasn't enough, today I went down for a little orientation meeting at Rocketown, the place where I will be interning this semester. As I was taking a tour throughout the facility and my supervisor was giving a little history of it all, I was overwhelmed with such great emotions of joy. I'm really just not sure how to accurately explain how I was feeling, but it definitely had God written all over it. Tears of joy were even welling up in my eyes, thats how overwhelmed I was... and this is coming from a girl who doesn't embrace crying that easily. But, ahhh! I just am so so so excited to work there and become a part of that team in which I am absolutely in love with the whole business plan and what they do.

Hallelujah, thank you Lord for such wonderful confirmations.

And to everyone who tries to tell me differently about where I should be, hear me say this now: For the time being, Nashville is where I am to be. And where I will stay until God moves my path elsewhere.  

Pretending to Be Adults

I spent today much like I spent yesterday. I've been running around all over Nashville trying to find things that will make my apartment look like a place where some kind of an adult lives. It is absolutely frustrating! I went grocery shopping, rather, I attempted to. Never before did I realize it was possible to suck at such a seemingly easy task, but I assure you all, I royally sucked at it. I walked up and down the aisles looking at things that looked like they could be good, yet somehow I convinced myself I really didn't need to purchase that. Here's a rundown of what I actually bought:

Milk, Apples, Veggie Chips, Spaghetti, Sauce, Green Beans, Cheerios.

WHAT DO I DO WITH THAT?!?!!

I realized after I had left the store that, other than spaghetti, there are really no other meals I can make. Who knew one could fail so miserably at that. 

The funny thing is, before my terrible grocery trip, I was really excited to be able to go grocery shopping for myself; finally able to get what I want and for once, have a stocked pantry. Grocery shopping for myself, because I live in apartment now, because now I have to take care of all of that fancy stuff on my own... all of that really means...I'm kind of an adult. But after walking around in the grocery store, I felt smaller than an ant (I was, after all, surrounded by seasoned mother's who knew how to work those aisles). 

I think we all like the idea of being an adult. We like the idea of being on our own, having a career, buying our own food, coming up with new recipes, putting a deposit down on a house... and the list goes on. In theory, these things are great, I guess. Responsibility, taking care of things. Party on. After my experience today though, I realized that I'd much rather pretend to be an adult than actually BE one. I like the current situation of being an "adult" during the school year but then getting to come home and revert back to being a carefully cared for child. Pretend adult. 

I wonder how many actual adults out there wish they could go back to being a kid again, not having to worry about the world and it's consequences. I wonder how many just want to be held by their own parents when they have a cold. Who wouldn't want to be taken care of? 

All of this is really saying, "I'm scared." I'm scared of becoming an official adult, where I can no longer run home and be the child again. I like the idea of doing all those adult things, it sounds pretty cool. Yet, for some reason, when it all gets down to it, I'm just not sure I want to be a real adult. I'd much rather pretend. 

Quick Goodbyes

I left my home in Raleigh this morning, and now I am sitting in my condo in Nashville, waiting on friends to go eat dinner. Funny how less than a days drive will bring you to a completely different life, and yet, it's all the same.

It's always easier to be the one that is leaving, you're looking forward to something new and maybe even returning to a place that already knows you. The hard part is usually for those that are left behind, or so the common belief is. I guess I can believe that. Today, I was the one leaving, but it seemed just as hard to say goodbye.

I felt like all of the "goodbyes" I had to give were way to rushed. In my mind, weeks before leaving, I always plan to write meaningful goodbye letters to let those that I'm leaving behind know how I feel about them, and how much I'll miss them (I'm way better at expressing my feelings in writing than bringing out the emotional, heartfelt speeches in the open). Time sped forward and I didn't get to do that. So I'm left with wanting people to know how much I appreciate their friendships, how much I have learned from them, what they have helped me through, the joy that they have brought to my life and so much more. I know I need to get better at expressing this verbally, but at the same time, I feel like "letters" are so much more heartfelt. I'll probably still write a few notes just to get it out of my system.

All this to say, I really hated the all too quick goodbyes I had to give. I wish I could have lingered in the moment just a little longer, holding on to those last bits of summer and everything that came with it. So hear me say that I really will miss you all dearly, to those that I have left behind. To those that I have just returned to, I am excited for the coming days. Forgive me for such an abrupt goodbye, but know that you all mean the world to me.

This would work a lot better if everyone I knew read this, but oh well! It's the thought that counts!

Forgive Me for the Silence

I am a woman of few words.

I do not enjoy filling up space with empty words, but would rather speak with words with meaning behind them. I am very much an observer, and I always find it surprising just how much I know about others based on my "quiet" observations. Call me a stalker, but I'd prefer to call it taking good people notes.

I thrive better in smaller, more intimate groups than I do in larger settings. The larger the setting, the more I tend to drop back and watch. I'm not one to fight for attention, so thats why I enjoy the smaller, intimate groups more. I enjoy more personal time, and really getting to know people. However, just because I'm in a larger group does not mean that I am not enjoying myself. I genuinely love to be surrounded by people, again because of my love for observing.

My silence doesn't meant I'm not interested or not capable of intelligent communication, I'm just an internal processor. I think things over before I respond, and that itself has pros and cons.

It means the world to me when a question is asked and directed specifically towards me and of course sometimes I need that little jump start to not let my views and thoughts go on overlooked. So, thank you to those who make a point to ask. I'm trying to get better at more freely offering my opinions before being asked.

There's really no real rhyme or reason for this entry, just going along with discovering who I am.

Summer Recap

Is recap short for recapture? I've never really thought about that before, I just use the word.

Summer is dwindling down quickly, and by that I mean it's Thursday and I leave for Nashville on Monday. Have I packed? Nope. I'll get around to it on Saturday and then realize just how much stuff I left out. Oooh well, I guess you could say I like to live dangerously, haha!

I figured I better start preparing my answer to that infamous back to school question, "how was your summer?" I'm not the type of person to just reply with "good, yours?" I hate the lack of engagement in that.   (Side note: If I ask you how you're doing, I'm genuinely interested. Seriously. And if you ask me how I'm doing, I won't let you go with an easy "good").

Anywayyy, back to my summer recap. It really hasn't been a thrilling one, filled with pictures and memorable experiences like so many in the past have seemed. Don't get me wrong though, I've thoroughly enjoyed my time off, even those long periods of doing nothing. I'm not sure when I'll see that again.  In short, I spent my summer interning with the college ministry, building old friendships, creating new ones, and tons of family time. Thats the surface answer, the deeper answer is that this summer, I've heard and understood and learned about God in completely new ways. The lessons I've learned have been eye opening and leave me standing in awe. A pretty consistent prayer of mine is that I would grow in faith and learn about God in ways that I couldn't have imagined before. Ask and you shall receive.

The biggest lesson, well really, transformation, is the breaking down of such high emotional walls I had maintained for many years. There is still healing and rebuilding and probably more destruction, but in the end, I have learned to let others in further and see who I am. Ha, this means embracing those infamous female emotional roller coasters.
I've been freed and forgiven of things I didn't feel I could deal with, or rather, didn't want to.
I've learned why men should pursue women.
I've learned how to forgive others.
God gives, and he takes away. I may not understand the reasons, but I believe in his power and authority.
God will provide when he says he will.
I've taken on a more content spirit (I think).
God cares about seemingly stupid issues, but thats because I am His.
I've learned to allow God to bless me and not worry that something horrible MUST be coming.
I've learned more of God's romancing heart.

Thats a lot to take in, all of that. Maybe I didn't take a billion pictures this summer, or take any crazy trips. But I tell you, I've grown and changed and have built a stronger foundation on my Father and there is no experience that I would trade for that.

So now I ask you: How was your summer?

The Answer

Well, I asked God a lot about forgiveness yesterday, and I tell you what, he answered every single one of my questions and cleared up all my confusion. I absolutely love it when God does that.

As I stated yesterday, I had been struggling with forgiveness yet not wanting to be walked over. God spoke through our senior pastor today to deliver those answers to me.

In the current situation I'm in, I've realized that I've been seeking revenge (I'm not sure I'd quite use that word because it seems a little harsh, but essentially, that's what it is). I wanted this person to understand how I was feeling, to know that I was angry and upset. I tried manipulating ways of accomodating that justice that I felt should be served. The problem with this is that God is in charge of justice, not me. An important question to ask is if I'm willing to let God be God and trust justice to him, even if it takes years to be served, or am I going to play God and attempt to serve justice but end up feeling bitter, not better.  It is so easy to want to seek revenge in a quick and timely manner, but it is important to remember that A) that is not our business to give and B) God's timing is never ours.

This next point was most beneficial to me. After you have been wronged, forgive. Acknowledge what was done, how you feel and that yes, it does deserve punishment, but then hand the situation and all thoughts, feelings and emotions over to God and forgive them. Wait on God for justice. So it IS okay to point out how I feel, and that I don't just have to put on a happy face and pretend it never happened. But I must forgive them and no longer hold what was done against me, against them.

In relating this to my current situation, I have forgiven the wrong that has been done to me. Now I need to sit down with this person and ask forgiveness of myself for trying to manipulate revenge on them. Funny because for the longest time I've been believing that I alone am the victim, but now I see where I have indeed wronged them as well. I can't think of anything more humbling than going face to face before someone and seeking forgiveness.

I love those Sunday mornings where you KNOW God has laid out the sermon just for your ears to hear, and I am so thankful for the lesson I have learned today.

Follow Me to the Water

Water is therapeutic to me. Call me crazy, but I love the smell of fish mixed with lake or ocean water, this probably all started when my family had a lake house for a period of time at Lake Gaston. That is honestly one of, if not THE, most favorite places of mine. God's presence becomes so real to me when I'm near water. I am immediately calmed and I feel that I can hear God's voice the best when I'm surrounded by the tranquility of water.

I needed to be at the lake today, I needed my "therapy" so to speak. I wished so deeply that I could make that hour drive to Lake Gaston, but we no longer own that house (although I do still have the keys...). I settled for Falls Dam for a little bit of me and God time, plus, I'd been sensing him calling me to that place throughout the week. I knew I needed to be there.

I sat down at a picnic table by myself and gazed at the water, taking in the fish air and just began talking with God.  I didn't know really what I was asking for, or what I truly needed, I just needed to be with him. As I sat there, a man and his puppy came up to play in the water.  The man immediately waded out into the water and called his puppy to follow him. They walked up and down the shallow area, always the man in front and the puppy a few feet behind.

That's when I knew God was speaking to me. "Follow me into the water" is what I was hearing over and over again and God was using the man and his puppy as a visual representation for me. The man was able to walk freely in the water, while the puppy was almost drowning, yet still able to keep his head up, just trying to follow his master. The man knew where he was going, he was confident in his direction and every now and then he would turn back to his puppy and give her a "good girl" word of encouragement. "Follow me into the water."

I feel that God is calling me well, to follow him into the water. I'm not sure what this water may be, but if I'm following him, I am confident in his direction. It may feel like I'm drowning and barely able to make it, but I know that God will only be a few feet in front of me, paving the way. And every now and then he will turn around and give me some sort of reassurance that I am exactly where I need to be and doing exactly what I need to be doing. It's important to remember that God is the one that can walk on top of the water, while I can only swim IN it. Thats why he must go before me and I must follow.

I'm putting on my swim suit and bringing my goggles in case I do get submerged completely. I don't know where I'm going, and I could go in circles. But God has a reason for pulling me in there and all I can do is trust that when I think I'm drowning, he will be right there to pull me back up. It will all be ok in the end. I'm following him into the water.

Forgiving vs. Being "That" Girl

I never want to be "that girl." You know, the one who can be angry one minute at someone and the next time they're given any sort of acknowledgement they come running back with open arms. I don't want to be that girl because I want to confident and strong in who I am and not have that change based on attention.

However, I want to be the girl who can forgive easily. I don't want to hold on to bitterness or anger, I want to be able to shake it off and forgive. I'm struggling with how to balance being forgiving and being the girl who will respond to anyone's attention and ultimately feeling walked over.

Christ has called us to forgive, no matter how many times we are done wrong, and in the bottom of my heart, I want to do that. Yet I also feel that when someone acts in a manner that hurts me, I want them to know that it hurts and I expect an apology. These are two conflicting thoughts and I know which one is wrong.  I've struggled with this before, I guess you could say I have a weak conscious and never want anyone to be angry with me or upset. I try to make every situation smooth, I try to mend and fix every bump that may have formed in my relationships. In doing so, I am often forced to ignore how I'm feeling and put on a smiling face, pretending that nothing ever affected me. I end up feeling walked all over.

Maybe I don't show it, I try to keep a "perfect" face, but my heart is affected. I'm tired of my feelings not being noticed or appreciated. It's a fight learning how to forgive and forget, and I don't like it one bit. I know I am supposed to forgive regardless and I know that when Christ comes back there will be justice, but that time hasn't come and for now, I'm still struggling.

Where is the line between being forgiving but not allowing others to just walk all over you? Is there a line? Do I continue to keep my feelings down and continue smoothing over everything? How do I learn to REALLY forgive and let go of how I'm truly feeling?

It's painful. I wasn't promised a pain free life, and I'm trying to follow after Christ as best as I can and I tell you, sometimes it just isn't fun. But as Paul writes, I must press on. Despite how I'm feeling, despite what's been done to me, I've been given grace and grace to the fullest. Now to be able to return that gift to others and genuinely mean it... that's where I'm at now.

When I Grow Up...

     I'm currently in that awkward stage of not wanting to sit at the kid's table and not quite comfortable sitting at the grown up one. I'm faced with the same questions daily, you know, what do you plan on doing after college, what kind of job do you see yourself in and on and on it goes. But while I'm straddling these two positions, I think it's important to take what I have observed and learned from a more "innocent" child's perspective before I become an adult filled with more knowledge than should be allowed. Children are able to keep things simple and they are able to see what really matters in life, what's really important. As we grow up into adulthood, we often times find ourselves chasing after dreams, stepping on people we swore we never would, and becoming more focused on making money and having things. We lose ourselves in a world of possibilities where everything is never enough. In hopes to prevent that, I've compiled a list of what I would like my future 30 year old (well, earlier and beyond) self:

- Don't live in excess. I think this is the biggest one I want to remember. Christ teaches us that all of our earthly possessions are meaningless anyway. So why carry meaningless stuff around? My time and money and be better spent than on duplicates of lost things that I never used anyway. And along the lines of not wanting to live in excess, I don't want to live in a big house or a rich neighborhood. I want my children to grow up playing in the neighborhood until night with all of their friends, like I was fortunate to do. Plus, big houses just seem to create bigger spaces within the family. I want to see my family and know what's going on without having to call them or facebook them.

- Be generous. Children have such a keen sense of knowing when someone else is in need of something. Not only are they aware of it, but they are also much quicker to respond than adults who dilly dally weighing the consequences.

- Have an open home (be hospitable). I absolutely love how open my parents were to having my friends stay over for a meal, the night or just a couple hours. They got to know my friends and call them their own. I love that involvement and I definitely want that to be the same when I have a family.

- God will provide for everything. I understand it gets overwhelming with so having so many bills to pay on time and wanting to do fun things, but I promise... God will provide. In Matthew, God asks us to look at how the birds of the air flourish without doing a thing. We were made in the image of God himself, so how much more valuable are we?? Trust me, God will provide. I see it on a daily basis. I just hope and pray that I don't forget about this wonderful promise and take matters into my own hands.

- Love, love, love.  Even when I don't feel like it, love. Love those around you regardless of how you're feeling. Love those that are different, those that butt heads with you, and those that are dear to your heart.

There are many more things I'd like to remember for when I finally feel comfortable at the adult table, but for now, this is it.

Deciphering Me

If anyone ever stumbles upon this blog, I'm sorry. It's a bunch of jumbled up thoughts that need to escape my mind to make sense. Maybe by putting these thoughts out there, I'll understand a little more of who I actually am, at least thats what I'm hoping will happen.

For today, I'm bitter and I just don't understand. You see, my heart has recently undergone a lot of change and it still is in the process (thus the title Under Construction). But for this point in time, the emotional walls that I have built up around my heart are falling. I'm learning to let others into my life and to actually give more of me. And with all that, I'm learning that giving hurts, because it is not always reciprocated. Funny, thats how Jesus felt. Constantly giving himself to others so that they could get to know him yet so often people just weren't interested. I'm telling you, when Jesus says he knows what we're going through, he does.

Anyway. Why am I bitter? I think that at the beginning of all this heart transformation, I expected to receive a lot in return, basically, I placed expectations on people that I should not have. As my walls came down, I wanted to be acknowledged in ways that I had felt neglected in before. And for a while, there was a glimpse of that which then faded and yet a tiny light still lingered. And it's that tiny light that killed.  One day it could be a glimmer of hope, and the next day it would seemingly not exist. I hate that. The light needs to either be on, or stay off, but PLEASE for my dear heart's sake, make up your mind. Right now, I'm still waiting on that decision to be made and that's why I'm bitter.

This probably makes no sense to you, and it's not really intended to. I just need to vent. Hopefully, as I blog more and uncover more parts of me and begin to question more, I'll figure out more of who I am, becoming more confident in what I don't know, and fully embracing what I don't. So for today, this is what it is.