The Fear of Failure

Now seems about as good as any other time to come right out and admit that I sincerely have a fear of failure, and sure, lets top it off with a fear of letting people down.

Let me give you some examples. Today, I ran the dishwasher in our condo for the first time, but I was so afraid the soap would explode and foam out of it (which happened to a previous roommate), I could not enjoy my limited time for a nap. I didn't want to fail my roommates or the potential fate of our carpet. It is also a huge stress factor for me to be on time to places, and by on time, I mean 10 minutes early. I don't want to hold anyone up, I don't want to fail their plans from beginning, or let them down by being late. In first grade, we had the stoplight system for discipline. Green meant good, yellow meant a minor offense/warning, red meant there'd be some consequences and double red meant serious consequences. One day in class, the girl I was sitting next to continued to engage in conversation with me, thus, by the end of the day, my card had been turned to double red. I was absolutely devastated because I had failed myself and the standards I had set, and I had also let my teacher down. I was so upset that I went home that night and wrote a letter of apology to my teacher, explaining what happened and requesting that my seat be moved far away from that girl. That red card meant failure, and I never wanted to see it again.

Were those stupid examples to throw out? Yes. However, I think you understand a little more of what I mean. I feel like a lot of this stuff has been resurfacing as I'm getting back in to the school mode, and even more so because I'm realizing that I only have 2 more years until graduation and I feel completely unprepared. I'm scared to go out into the work force and be completely on my own. I'm scared that I won't ever get a job, that no one will hire me, or if they do, I won't know how to complete the tasks they give me. I'm afraid I'm going to fail miserably at being an adult, and I'm just not sure how I'll be able to handle it. It's easier to fail when you're still under your parents care, because there is still that cushion to catch you on the way down. If, and when I fail now, my butt will be sitting on hard concrete.

I don't like that. I know they say you learn so much when you fail, but I don't know that I'm prepared to take the pain (I don't have a high pain tolerance at all). I don't know when or why I gave myself such high goals of perfection, but now I don't want them to be there. I need them to be ripped away so I know that it is ok for me to fail. Do I know that perfection is something that I can never obtain? Yes, but, it's a goal I seem to have given myself, and now it's becoming clear of its role as a sin that I need to ask forgiveness for. I'm striving for a life that only Jesus could live. It was never my job, nor will it ever be, to lead a perfect life.

Funny how I had never seen my aims at perfection as being sinful, yet here, at the bottom of this blog entry, it has never been more clear to me that it indeed is. There's an eye opener for ya.

So on that note... here's to embracing failure and enjoying the fall! Because it is in the fall that I can truly see and understand the greatness of God and worship him for the role he owns and deserves.