Deciphering Me

If anyone ever stumbles upon this blog, I'm sorry. It's a bunch of jumbled up thoughts that need to escape my mind to make sense. Maybe by putting these thoughts out there, I'll understand a little more of who I actually am, at least thats what I'm hoping will happen.

For today, I'm bitter and I just don't understand. You see, my heart has recently undergone a lot of change and it still is in the process (thus the title Under Construction). But for this point in time, the emotional walls that I have built up around my heart are falling. I'm learning to let others into my life and to actually give more of me. And with all that, I'm learning that giving hurts, because it is not always reciprocated. Funny, thats how Jesus felt. Constantly giving himself to others so that they could get to know him yet so often people just weren't interested. I'm telling you, when Jesus says he knows what we're going through, he does.

Anyway. Why am I bitter? I think that at the beginning of all this heart transformation, I expected to receive a lot in return, basically, I placed expectations on people that I should not have. As my walls came down, I wanted to be acknowledged in ways that I had felt neglected in before. And for a while, there was a glimpse of that which then faded and yet a tiny light still lingered. And it's that tiny light that killed.  One day it could be a glimmer of hope, and the next day it would seemingly not exist. I hate that. The light needs to either be on, or stay off, but PLEASE for my dear heart's sake, make up your mind. Right now, I'm still waiting on that decision to be made and that's why I'm bitter.

This probably makes no sense to you, and it's not really intended to. I just need to vent. Hopefully, as I blog more and uncover more parts of me and begin to question more, I'll figure out more of who I am, becoming more confident in what I don't know, and fully embracing what I don't. So for today, this is what it is.