Running

I used to run and exercise fairly often.  After being involved in sports and some sort of athletic activity for a lot of my life, I understood how running made me feel.  Even though I didn't always want to take time out of my potentially lazy day, I knew that running was good for me and I felt worlds better about myself upon returning.  Running is just more fun when it's a least somewhat warm.  As temperatures begin dropping, I become less and less motivated to run, and eventually I go through long periods of time where I don't do anything.

Welcome to my life for the past two or so months. And even though this Tennessee weather has only recently dipped in to winter weather, I gave up running earlier this season just because I was tired of putting in all that effort.  I think it goes without saying that my body is paying the consequences now and I fear it is only going to get worse as the holidays draw nearer.

Many of us are familiar with the Christian life being compared to a race.  Paul mentions it a few times in his writings. He encourages us to keep running and to press on towards the finish line; the finish line being united with Christ.  I've really slowed my pace in this race, and I am ashamed of where I am right now because I know I've taken my eyes off of the coming prize to linger in the moments here just a while longer.

I think I've begun questioning the way things are done a lot more this semester than I have before. I've become so focused with escaping the rules that people assume to be true of Christianity that I haven't done a good job of living how I think Christians should live. I guess you can say I've become rebellious, but a cautious rebel at that.

I seem to have lost all feeling.  A few months ago I was really frustrated because I felt that I was doing everything I should be doing as a Christian, and wanting to pursue a relationship with Christ, but I wasn't feeling anything in return.  Now I know God never left me and that I also shouldn't base our relationship on feelings, but once that numb feeling started to persist, I think I began wandering and daydreaming.  The fact that I haven't truly connected to a church body this semester hasn't help much at all either.  I've been distanced from the community of Christ that I so love and I began hurting.

I hate where I am right now. I hate being a hypocrite.  I hate that I don't feel God's hand in mine. I hate that I have been such a willing sinner and insulting the spirit of grace. I hate that I've allowed Satan to sidetrack me and push me to a place where I feel hidden from God.

I want to come home.

This next journey of my life is going to pose more strains on my walk with God because of the makeup of Argentina, and it being a country where Christianity is rarely practiced.  I want and need to serve as a beacon of light when I am down there, and as I sit here today, I am terrified that I will only fall further than where I am now.

If you happen to stumble upon this blog, can I ask you to pray for me? Pray that I would return my gaze towards Jesus' face and that I would walk confidently in the path of righteousness that he has prepared.  Pray that I would look sin in the face only to shun it and that I would grasp the hand of my Heavenly father. Pray that I would have the strength to stand apart as a Christian in a dark place and that I would not conform to the patterns of the world any longer. Pray for a renewal of life in Christ.

I beg for Christ's mercy on my failings and I rejoice in the grace he gives relentlessly. I pray that I would stop taking advantage of such a gift and start living in the way I know to be true.  Jesus, I'm sorry for pushing you aside. Help the desires that You've placed within my heart to be reflected in my daily actions.  As your daughter, I long to make you proud and I'm sorry for the pain I've been putting you through.  

I'm lacing up my running shoes today and I'm ready to begin training again.  I realize it'll take some time to get back into the rhythm of it all, but I have a glimpse of just how worth it it all is and I'm ready to get back in the game.