A Moment of Truth

Right now, walking forward feels a lot like taking one baby step forward and 3 giant leaps backwards. I came in to this study abroad experience knowing it would be a challenge, but I don't know that I fully equipped and prepared myself for it. My calling and what my heart's desire to do is to carry God's light to those dark places. To be a vessel pointing others in the direction of Christ. I know my calling, but my execution would not lead one to think others to think so. When it is just me and God, I am completely sure of the plan of action. But in the company of my new friends here, I am realizing how weak my flesh is. I set my armor down in order to satisfy my current desires; my desires to belong to a group of friends, to be liked, to be found attractive. I know these are worldly wants, I know these are temporary and there is no lasting joy in their fulfillment. I am filled with deep regret for giving in so easily to these temptations, and I find myself almost angry at God for letting me partake in sin, and the repeated sin, time and time again.

But God is not a dictator. He will not force me, or you, to do anything. He offers His love, His love that satisfies so completely, yet leaves the offer on the table for us to take or leave. Of course He yearns for us to take it, for God is a relational God and desires to be in community with us, the people He has created. But he refuses to force any of us to take it, for that is not true love. We must equally desire to love Him, we must desire to live for Him.

I made a decision many years ago to accept God's love because I believe in the way and the truth that He is. But I am really struggling right now to maintain walking on this path to righteousness. I keep getting distracted, and I wander off. I keep acknowledging sin and allowing myself to partake in what I know I should not. I am letting my earthly desires rule in front of Christ.

I do not wish to take advantage of God's grace and mercy, but thats what I feel I am doing. My weak flesh is crying for the strength of my Savior. The strength that I find in my intimate moments with Christ is what I need to be present in every other moment.

But what it all comes down to is me actively choosing to take on the strength Christ offers. This is the battle that I am in, the one that God has promised would not be easy. But I must remember that the victory is already His and I have a part of that. I still must fight. I refuse to simply acknowledge who He is with my heart, but deny his greatness in front of the world. I can talk about how I have no Christian community here and say that is the reason I feel so weak, but the reality is, Christ is with me all the time. All the time. It really shouldn't matter who I am surrounded by, and I cannot maintain that excuse. Friends, please pray for me in this battle I am facing. Please pray for strength, unwavering strength, and that I would grip Christ's hand so that nothing can separate us.

I have chosen to live for Christ and accept His love. I curse these earthly desires that lurk around every corner. I am strong because Christ has given me His strength, and this is what I must continue to stand on.


Father, I know my decisions are causing you great pain right now. This is not what I ant. I want to bring you joy, I ant to do the things you want me to because I know that your way is so much better. But how easy I forget this! God, I am so sorry. Please, forgive my flesh for being so weak, teach me to use your strenght, and to use it daily. Teach me to walk away from sin, to say no and to really remember that you are greater. You are greater. You are greater. It is one thing to confess all this in my heart, but the true test comes in living this out. May my actions portray what I confess in my heart. May I not lead others astray, but show them that You are the only way, the only light, and the only life. This is what I believe. I stand here now, begging for Satan's troops to leave me alone. I am a part of the Lord's army, and I will not betray. Oh God, please be so much bigger than I am allowing you to be. Father, I ask for strength to conquer this. The strength to say no and to be ok with that answer. Oh God, be so much bigger. Be so much bigger. Father, forgive me. Show my feet where the right path is. Show me where you are. My spirit is mourning for the moments I have lost. Please, have mercy on me, although I deserve none. Teach me to walk once more.