A Struggling Lover's Prayer

Honesty brings forth vulnerability which eludes to the core of ourselves. For as much as I struggle with vulnerability, I know it has great worth.  If instead of wearing superhero costumes to cover up our imperfections, and we let our natural skin show, I believe something truly beautiful will occur.  I believe that we will all realize that none of us is really that different from each other.

That said, for the past few months or so, I've really been struggling with feeling God's presence. I know, I know, its not about a feeling. So I guess my real struggle was the fact that I felt completely numb to everything. Nothing truly excited me nor upset me. I could relate most to a ghost, I suppose. From what I know about them (watching Casper the Friendly Ghost, anyway), they go about life as usual, only they experience no warmth, they're simply hollow creatures.

I wanted to be moved. I wanted to feel alive and to know that I really hadn't died yet.  My relationship with God felt stagnant. I know all the "right" things to do, and I had been doing them.  I didn't want to give up on God, but I was growing impatient.

So I prayed a struggling lover's prayer.  One that I imagine a couple on the verge of separation or divorce might pray. I told God I wanted to feel in love again. I wanted that feeling of ecstasy.  I wanted it to be like when I first came to know Him. And not that this should affect the timing of this prayer, but I especially did not want to feel numb towards God during the month we celebrate the birth of his son.  I wanted a deeper understanding of the weight and the miracle of Christmas.

Shortly following my struggling lover's prayer, I started thinking about what would have happened had Christ not been born, and thats when I started to come back to life.  My first thought was that I would still believe in God. But I couldn't be more wrong! Without Christ being born, the Trinity would be gone and the very structure of Christianity would be destroyed.  God would have no characteristics that I could relate to, and I would be left with the big man in the sky.  God sent his son to take on human flesh so that I would understand the personal relationship God wanted to pursue.  He sent his son so that I would understand and receive grace and mercy. He sent his son so that I would believe. As I've said before, I'm not the best at articulating my thoughts, but the answers that I've received since asking this question and praying that prayer have been truly moving.

And I'm in love again!

My body is swayed by the gift of Christ Jesus.  I feel my heart leap for joy!  My thankfulness and awe for the holy bundle that laid in the dirty manger is beyond what I am currently able to process.  But thats the beauty of love! It is a mystery that can never be solved.

I am looking at this Christmas season with new eyes....

I'm alive! I'm alive! I'm alive!