Quick Goodbyes

I left my home in Raleigh this morning, and now I am sitting in my condo in Nashville, waiting on friends to go eat dinner. Funny how less than a days drive will bring you to a completely different life, and yet, it's all the same.

It's always easier to be the one that is leaving, you're looking forward to something new and maybe even returning to a place that already knows you. The hard part is usually for those that are left behind, or so the common belief is. I guess I can believe that. Today, I was the one leaving, but it seemed just as hard to say goodbye.

I felt like all of the "goodbyes" I had to give were way to rushed. In my mind, weeks before leaving, I always plan to write meaningful goodbye letters to let those that I'm leaving behind know how I feel about them, and how much I'll miss them (I'm way better at expressing my feelings in writing than bringing out the emotional, heartfelt speeches in the open). Time sped forward and I didn't get to do that. So I'm left with wanting people to know how much I appreciate their friendships, how much I have learned from them, what they have helped me through, the joy that they have brought to my life and so much more. I know I need to get better at expressing this verbally, but at the same time, I feel like "letters" are so much more heartfelt. I'll probably still write a few notes just to get it out of my system.

All this to say, I really hated the all too quick goodbyes I had to give. I wish I could have lingered in the moment just a little longer, holding on to those last bits of summer and everything that came with it. So hear me say that I really will miss you all dearly, to those that I have left behind. To those that I have just returned to, I am excited for the coming days. Forgive me for such an abrupt goodbye, but know that you all mean the world to me.

This would work a lot better if everyone I knew read this, but oh well! It's the thought that counts!

Forgive Me for the Silence

I am a woman of few words.

I do not enjoy filling up space with empty words, but would rather speak with words with meaning behind them. I am very much an observer, and I always find it surprising just how much I know about others based on my "quiet" observations. Call me a stalker, but I'd prefer to call it taking good people notes.

I thrive better in smaller, more intimate groups than I do in larger settings. The larger the setting, the more I tend to drop back and watch. I'm not one to fight for attention, so thats why I enjoy the smaller, intimate groups more. I enjoy more personal time, and really getting to know people. However, just because I'm in a larger group does not mean that I am not enjoying myself. I genuinely love to be surrounded by people, again because of my love for observing.

My silence doesn't meant I'm not interested or not capable of intelligent communication, I'm just an internal processor. I think things over before I respond, and that itself has pros and cons.

It means the world to me when a question is asked and directed specifically towards me and of course sometimes I need that little jump start to not let my views and thoughts go on overlooked. So, thank you to those who make a point to ask. I'm trying to get better at more freely offering my opinions before being asked.

There's really no real rhyme or reason for this entry, just going along with discovering who I am.

Summer Recap

Is recap short for recapture? I've never really thought about that before, I just use the word.

Summer is dwindling down quickly, and by that I mean it's Thursday and I leave for Nashville on Monday. Have I packed? Nope. I'll get around to it on Saturday and then realize just how much stuff I left out. Oooh well, I guess you could say I like to live dangerously, haha!

I figured I better start preparing my answer to that infamous back to school question, "how was your summer?" I'm not the type of person to just reply with "good, yours?" I hate the lack of engagement in that.   (Side note: If I ask you how you're doing, I'm genuinely interested. Seriously. And if you ask me how I'm doing, I won't let you go with an easy "good").

Anywayyy, back to my summer recap. It really hasn't been a thrilling one, filled with pictures and memorable experiences like so many in the past have seemed. Don't get me wrong though, I've thoroughly enjoyed my time off, even those long periods of doing nothing. I'm not sure when I'll see that again.  In short, I spent my summer interning with the college ministry, building old friendships, creating new ones, and tons of family time. Thats the surface answer, the deeper answer is that this summer, I've heard and understood and learned about God in completely new ways. The lessons I've learned have been eye opening and leave me standing in awe. A pretty consistent prayer of mine is that I would grow in faith and learn about God in ways that I couldn't have imagined before. Ask and you shall receive.

The biggest lesson, well really, transformation, is the breaking down of such high emotional walls I had maintained for many years. There is still healing and rebuilding and probably more destruction, but in the end, I have learned to let others in further and see who I am. Ha, this means embracing those infamous female emotional roller coasters.
I've been freed and forgiven of things I didn't feel I could deal with, or rather, didn't want to.
I've learned why men should pursue women.
I've learned how to forgive others.
God gives, and he takes away. I may not understand the reasons, but I believe in his power and authority.
God will provide when he says he will.
I've taken on a more content spirit (I think).
God cares about seemingly stupid issues, but thats because I am His.
I've learned to allow God to bless me and not worry that something horrible MUST be coming.
I've learned more of God's romancing heart.

Thats a lot to take in, all of that. Maybe I didn't take a billion pictures this summer, or take any crazy trips. But I tell you, I've grown and changed and have built a stronger foundation on my Father and there is no experience that I would trade for that.

So now I ask you: How was your summer?

The Answer

Well, I asked God a lot about forgiveness yesterday, and I tell you what, he answered every single one of my questions and cleared up all my confusion. I absolutely love it when God does that.

As I stated yesterday, I had been struggling with forgiveness yet not wanting to be walked over. God spoke through our senior pastor today to deliver those answers to me.

In the current situation I'm in, I've realized that I've been seeking revenge (I'm not sure I'd quite use that word because it seems a little harsh, but essentially, that's what it is). I wanted this person to understand how I was feeling, to know that I was angry and upset. I tried manipulating ways of accomodating that justice that I felt should be served. The problem with this is that God is in charge of justice, not me. An important question to ask is if I'm willing to let God be God and trust justice to him, even if it takes years to be served, or am I going to play God and attempt to serve justice but end up feeling bitter, not better.  It is so easy to want to seek revenge in a quick and timely manner, but it is important to remember that A) that is not our business to give and B) God's timing is never ours.

This next point was most beneficial to me. After you have been wronged, forgive. Acknowledge what was done, how you feel and that yes, it does deserve punishment, but then hand the situation and all thoughts, feelings and emotions over to God and forgive them. Wait on God for justice. So it IS okay to point out how I feel, and that I don't just have to put on a happy face and pretend it never happened. But I must forgive them and no longer hold what was done against me, against them.

In relating this to my current situation, I have forgiven the wrong that has been done to me. Now I need to sit down with this person and ask forgiveness of myself for trying to manipulate revenge on them. Funny because for the longest time I've been believing that I alone am the victim, but now I see where I have indeed wronged them as well. I can't think of anything more humbling than going face to face before someone and seeking forgiveness.

I love those Sunday mornings where you KNOW God has laid out the sermon just for your ears to hear, and I am so thankful for the lesson I have learned today.

Follow Me to the Water

Water is therapeutic to me. Call me crazy, but I love the smell of fish mixed with lake or ocean water, this probably all started when my family had a lake house for a period of time at Lake Gaston. That is honestly one of, if not THE, most favorite places of mine. God's presence becomes so real to me when I'm near water. I am immediately calmed and I feel that I can hear God's voice the best when I'm surrounded by the tranquility of water.

I needed to be at the lake today, I needed my "therapy" so to speak. I wished so deeply that I could make that hour drive to Lake Gaston, but we no longer own that house (although I do still have the keys...). I settled for Falls Dam for a little bit of me and God time, plus, I'd been sensing him calling me to that place throughout the week. I knew I needed to be there.

I sat down at a picnic table by myself and gazed at the water, taking in the fish air and just began talking with God.  I didn't know really what I was asking for, or what I truly needed, I just needed to be with him. As I sat there, a man and his puppy came up to play in the water.  The man immediately waded out into the water and called his puppy to follow him. They walked up and down the shallow area, always the man in front and the puppy a few feet behind.

That's when I knew God was speaking to me. "Follow me into the water" is what I was hearing over and over again and God was using the man and his puppy as a visual representation for me. The man was able to walk freely in the water, while the puppy was almost drowning, yet still able to keep his head up, just trying to follow his master. The man knew where he was going, he was confident in his direction and every now and then he would turn back to his puppy and give her a "good girl" word of encouragement. "Follow me into the water."

I feel that God is calling me well, to follow him into the water. I'm not sure what this water may be, but if I'm following him, I am confident in his direction. It may feel like I'm drowning and barely able to make it, but I know that God will only be a few feet in front of me, paving the way. And every now and then he will turn around and give me some sort of reassurance that I am exactly where I need to be and doing exactly what I need to be doing. It's important to remember that God is the one that can walk on top of the water, while I can only swim IN it. Thats why he must go before me and I must follow.

I'm putting on my swim suit and bringing my goggles in case I do get submerged completely. I don't know where I'm going, and I could go in circles. But God has a reason for pulling me in there and all I can do is trust that when I think I'm drowning, he will be right there to pull me back up. It will all be ok in the end. I'm following him into the water.

Forgiving vs. Being "That" Girl

I never want to be "that girl." You know, the one who can be angry one minute at someone and the next time they're given any sort of acknowledgement they come running back with open arms. I don't want to be that girl because I want to confident and strong in who I am and not have that change based on attention.

However, I want to be the girl who can forgive easily. I don't want to hold on to bitterness or anger, I want to be able to shake it off and forgive. I'm struggling with how to balance being forgiving and being the girl who will respond to anyone's attention and ultimately feeling walked over.

Christ has called us to forgive, no matter how many times we are done wrong, and in the bottom of my heart, I want to do that. Yet I also feel that when someone acts in a manner that hurts me, I want them to know that it hurts and I expect an apology. These are two conflicting thoughts and I know which one is wrong.  I've struggled with this before, I guess you could say I have a weak conscious and never want anyone to be angry with me or upset. I try to make every situation smooth, I try to mend and fix every bump that may have formed in my relationships. In doing so, I am often forced to ignore how I'm feeling and put on a smiling face, pretending that nothing ever affected me. I end up feeling walked all over.

Maybe I don't show it, I try to keep a "perfect" face, but my heart is affected. I'm tired of my feelings not being noticed or appreciated. It's a fight learning how to forgive and forget, and I don't like it one bit. I know I am supposed to forgive regardless and I know that when Christ comes back there will be justice, but that time hasn't come and for now, I'm still struggling.

Where is the line between being forgiving but not allowing others to just walk all over you? Is there a line? Do I continue to keep my feelings down and continue smoothing over everything? How do I learn to REALLY forgive and let go of how I'm truly feeling?

It's painful. I wasn't promised a pain free life, and I'm trying to follow after Christ as best as I can and I tell you, sometimes it just isn't fun. But as Paul writes, I must press on. Despite how I'm feeling, despite what's been done to me, I've been given grace and grace to the fullest. Now to be able to return that gift to others and genuinely mean it... that's where I'm at now.

When I Grow Up...

     I'm currently in that awkward stage of not wanting to sit at the kid's table and not quite comfortable sitting at the grown up one. I'm faced with the same questions daily, you know, what do you plan on doing after college, what kind of job do you see yourself in and on and on it goes. But while I'm straddling these two positions, I think it's important to take what I have observed and learned from a more "innocent" child's perspective before I become an adult filled with more knowledge than should be allowed. Children are able to keep things simple and they are able to see what really matters in life, what's really important. As we grow up into adulthood, we often times find ourselves chasing after dreams, stepping on people we swore we never would, and becoming more focused on making money and having things. We lose ourselves in a world of possibilities where everything is never enough. In hopes to prevent that, I've compiled a list of what I would like my future 30 year old (well, earlier and beyond) self:

- Don't live in excess. I think this is the biggest one I want to remember. Christ teaches us that all of our earthly possessions are meaningless anyway. So why carry meaningless stuff around? My time and money and be better spent than on duplicates of lost things that I never used anyway. And along the lines of not wanting to live in excess, I don't want to live in a big house or a rich neighborhood. I want my children to grow up playing in the neighborhood until night with all of their friends, like I was fortunate to do. Plus, big houses just seem to create bigger spaces within the family. I want to see my family and know what's going on without having to call them or facebook them.

- Be generous. Children have such a keen sense of knowing when someone else is in need of something. Not only are they aware of it, but they are also much quicker to respond than adults who dilly dally weighing the consequences.

- Have an open home (be hospitable). I absolutely love how open my parents were to having my friends stay over for a meal, the night or just a couple hours. They got to know my friends and call them their own. I love that involvement and I definitely want that to be the same when I have a family.

- God will provide for everything. I understand it gets overwhelming with so having so many bills to pay on time and wanting to do fun things, but I promise... God will provide. In Matthew, God asks us to look at how the birds of the air flourish without doing a thing. We were made in the image of God himself, so how much more valuable are we?? Trust me, God will provide. I see it on a daily basis. I just hope and pray that I don't forget about this wonderful promise and take matters into my own hands.

- Love, love, love.  Even when I don't feel like it, love. Love those around you regardless of how you're feeling. Love those that are different, those that butt heads with you, and those that are dear to your heart.

There are many more things I'd like to remember for when I finally feel comfortable at the adult table, but for now, this is it.