A Time to Be Selfish?

Today in class (yes, today is Labor Day, and I was in class because it's only an 8 week course), I was talking with two of my peers about all the work we have going on right now. And it's only the third week of class. It's an overwhelming amount that is going to take some incredible acrobatic skill to balance it all. But something that one of the girl's said really struck me. She said "college is the time to be selfish, it's the only time you can actually get away with doing whatever you really want."

Personally, I don't like the phrasing of this sentence, because I don't want to be selfish with my life, but rather giving and sharing of my life with others, and perhaps thats why I'm struggling so much with the course load I have now. It is not allowing me time to really invest in others lives like I truly enjoy doing. It's really only allowing time for me to increase my own academic strengths. Thats all fine and good, except I need a better balance and variety of life.

But back to being selfish. I suppose it is a true statement. Ultimately, right now I don't have anyone else to think about except myself. The activities and things I choose to partake in are really only going to affect me. Maybe some friends and family here and there indirectly, but for the most part, it's just me. I haven't come to a conclusion on how I feel about this season under that lighting. Like I said, I don't want to be selfish, but, it does make sense that this is time to really focus on who I am. And then again, thats why I've started writing this blog, so I can discover who I am. I'm really just not a fan of that word, "selfish."

But, maybe we need really do need this time to be selfish in our focus so we have a firm grasp of who we are before we get turned out to a world of established people.

Maybe I should stop blogging so late at night so my thoughts and processes might make a little more sense.

Anyway, just some bed time thoughts to think about :)

The Fear of Failure

Now seems about as good as any other time to come right out and admit that I sincerely have a fear of failure, and sure, lets top it off with a fear of letting people down.

Let me give you some examples. Today, I ran the dishwasher in our condo for the first time, but I was so afraid the soap would explode and foam out of it (which happened to a previous roommate), I could not enjoy my limited time for a nap. I didn't want to fail my roommates or the potential fate of our carpet. It is also a huge stress factor for me to be on time to places, and by on time, I mean 10 minutes early. I don't want to hold anyone up, I don't want to fail their plans from beginning, or let them down by being late. In first grade, we had the stoplight system for discipline. Green meant good, yellow meant a minor offense/warning, red meant there'd be some consequences and double red meant serious consequences. One day in class, the girl I was sitting next to continued to engage in conversation with me, thus, by the end of the day, my card had been turned to double red. I was absolutely devastated because I had failed myself and the standards I had set, and I had also let my teacher down. I was so upset that I went home that night and wrote a letter of apology to my teacher, explaining what happened and requesting that my seat be moved far away from that girl. That red card meant failure, and I never wanted to see it again.

Were those stupid examples to throw out? Yes. However, I think you understand a little more of what I mean. I feel like a lot of this stuff has been resurfacing as I'm getting back in to the school mode, and even more so because I'm realizing that I only have 2 more years until graduation and I feel completely unprepared. I'm scared to go out into the work force and be completely on my own. I'm scared that I won't ever get a job, that no one will hire me, or if they do, I won't know how to complete the tasks they give me. I'm afraid I'm going to fail miserably at being an adult, and I'm just not sure how I'll be able to handle it. It's easier to fail when you're still under your parents care, because there is still that cushion to catch you on the way down. If, and when I fail now, my butt will be sitting on hard concrete.

I don't like that. I know they say you learn so much when you fail, but I don't know that I'm prepared to take the pain (I don't have a high pain tolerance at all). I don't know when or why I gave myself such high goals of perfection, but now I don't want them to be there. I need them to be ripped away so I know that it is ok for me to fail. Do I know that perfection is something that I can never obtain? Yes, but, it's a goal I seem to have given myself, and now it's becoming clear of its role as a sin that I need to ask forgiveness for. I'm striving for a life that only Jesus could live. It was never my job, nor will it ever be, to lead a perfect life.

Funny how I had never seen my aims at perfection as being sinful, yet here, at the bottom of this blog entry, it has never been more clear to me that it indeed is. There's an eye opener for ya.

So on that note... here's to embracing failure and enjoying the fall! Because it is in the fall that I can truly see and understand the greatness of God and worship him for the role he owns and deserves.

Live Intentionally

My prayer as of lately is that I would not just go through the motions of life. I don't want to wake up, eat breakfast, go to class, say hi to a few friends, go to work, sleep and then repeat it all again. I want my days to have a substance and a value greater than what this world tells me I am living for; myself. I've been asking God to help me live intentionally. The funny thing about that is, you actually have to be intentional about living intentionally because at first, it's not the easiest thing to do.

I'm finding that I need to actually think about what I'm doing, who I'm hanging out with and why. The ultimate driving force in my mind is that I want to love everyone that I ever encounter. If there is an area they are struggling with, I want to walk alongside of them to encourage and support them all to attempt to love them in the same fashion that Christ does.

Today was a great example of how I want to live my life with purpose. I hung out with a girl, now a new friend, who is getting adjusted to a new place and just wanted to feel included. It was amazing company, I branched out of my usual circle. Later, I did a scavenger hunt with Rocketown and I met people that I never thought I would associate with. But they needed help, and they came looking for community. It was so awesome to be able to see what I've been praying about come to life. I pray that I would continue daily making these decisions to live intentionally.

I don't write about my experiences today for you to give me a gold star, or a high five. I write it as a check point and an example of God's answers to my prayers. I write it because I need to remember what living intentionally looks like. I didn't use much detail with those scenarios because, one, I'm tired and can't formulate the best way of telling those stories, and two, it doesn't really matter. The point is, today I woke up with the mindset that I didn't just want it to be another Saturday. I could have gone to the pool or hung out with the people I am all to comfortable with. But where is the growth in that? Where do I see God's kingdom advancing in all of that? Yes, there are without a doubt times when things like that are needed, rest is needed. But I don't want to rest for all of my life. I want to see change, I want to see life.

So tomorrow, when you wake up, I challenge you to take a look at your schedule and intentionally think about ways that you can live intentionally for that day. I think, and I hope, the longer we are intentional about doing so, the more natural it becomes so that we won't have to "plan out" our intentions (note, even when we plan these things, know that God has complete authority to change those directions). For now, I'll keep training my mind and actions to: live intentionally. live intentionally,live intentionally,live intentionally.....

Something to Prove?

I've been assigned a project of interviewing staff members to kind of "get their story." Later, I'll type it all up so the information can be passed out to important people who want to get to know the staff better, and understand who's working there.

I had an interesting encounter with one of the staff members today. Basically, before I even started talking to her, she flat out told me that she does not like interns. I asked why and she replied that "interns always want to take and take, and never want to give anything in return." This is totally not my mentality at all. In fact, my whole reason for wanting to intern at Rocketown was so I could give back to what has been given to me through my time in youth group. I love the mission of Rocketown, I love the purpose of it's existence and I love that the staff are all firm believers in that. I did not choose to intern here because I want a jumpstart in my career. Sure, I want to learn more about the communications industry, but I truly just want to be involved in Nashville, I want to be with the people who have grown up here, and to experience what thats like. I want to put in time to a ministry that cares so deeply about it's participants, because that is what I've experienced in my own life.

Sure, this isn't the mindset of every person who's gone in there, and I hate that there have been some interns who have not given more than they've taken. I hate that the image has already been spoiled for me. So now I feel like I have something to prove. I never want to be that intern who's not giving back. So I have this drive and a constant check point running in my mind of my actions as an intern.

I sincerely hope and pray that my heart is seen during my time at Rocketown. I refuse to become one of "those" interns. I have been called to serve, and that is what I want to do.

Put Your Hands Up and Let the Breeze Flow

Tonight was a perfect evening. One of my roommates and I took a little drive in her BMW convertible. There is just nothing like being out on the open roads, with no direction at all other than going as far away from the city as possible. The weather was perfect, the breeze was incredible... it was just, good.

So what I learned today was to just let go. It really is that simple. We are so quick to become uptight and so legalistic and professional that we forget about living. We forget about breathing. We forget that God created a world for us to enjoy and embrace and really feel.  The world wasn't created so that we would have to wear a suit and tie, carrying our lives in a briefcase while constantly being on our best behavior.

Take a look around. See the butterflies that are fluttering in great abundance right now. Listen to children playing outside. Eat a juicy burger and finish it off with ice cream. Forget about having to work off all those calories, enjoy it for what it is. Tell someone you truly care about them, and allow yourself to be cared for. Soak in life for what has been given to you.

As school starts this week and the hectic routine will pick up again, I pray that I, and everyone really, would not become so engrossed in the things we "have to do" that we lose sight of what's currently around us. I pray that our schedules won't discourage us from being spontaneous or that our career goals won't stop us from going after the passions kept deep down in our souls.

Forgive me if this entry sounds too hippie-like (I have been called one quite often lately).  I just needed a reminder to live, and to enjoy the life given to me, and to embrace what I am surrounded with. If you find yourself getting lost in the day in and day out, take a drive, or something freeing.

Put your hands up and let the breeze flow.

Little Moments

Yesterday was one of those days where I was doubting my place here, in Nashville. It seems my mind is constantly buzzing with comments that suggest I should indeed, return back to Raleigh. I fight every semester to come back up here, and every semester I seriously consider not. It's not that I don't want to be at Belmont, it's just a huge financial leap. Yet, I always hear God's promise to me, "I will provide." After this past summer, and not having an actual job, yet coming out of it with more money than I would have made should I have held a job, I am reminded once again that, indeed, God will provide.

But yesterday, I just wasn't sure. I needed confirmation of my place here, I needed to know I wasn't just coming out here simply because I wanted to, but I was coming out here to follow God's footsteps for me.  It had been raining all day yesterday, really it was just a gross day where the sun never shines. Needless to say, it was the perfect day to be running errands all over the city, getting drenched every time I got out of the car.  As I was driving back from a friends house, the radio was on, and as I had just changed the station when the lyrics of the previous song suddenly clicked in my mind. It was a song by the Afters, and the lyrics went like this,  "You light up the sky, You light up the sky to show me You are with me, I can't deny that You are right here with me..." Now, at this exact moment, I noticed the sun had appeared through the clouds and lit up the sky, after a days worth of gloom. Cue the goosebumps. And then almost immediately after the song was through, the rain picked back up again.

Confirmation? Yeah, I think so. Praise God for that!

So as if that wasn't enough, today I went down for a little orientation meeting at Rocketown, the place where I will be interning this semester. As I was taking a tour throughout the facility and my supervisor was giving a little history of it all, I was overwhelmed with such great emotions of joy. I'm really just not sure how to accurately explain how I was feeling, but it definitely had God written all over it. Tears of joy were even welling up in my eyes, thats how overwhelmed I was... and this is coming from a girl who doesn't embrace crying that easily. But, ahhh! I just am so so so excited to work there and become a part of that team in which I am absolutely in love with the whole business plan and what they do.

Hallelujah, thank you Lord for such wonderful confirmations.

And to everyone who tries to tell me differently about where I should be, hear me say this now: For the time being, Nashville is where I am to be. And where I will stay until God moves my path elsewhere.  

Pretending to Be Adults

I spent today much like I spent yesterday. I've been running around all over Nashville trying to find things that will make my apartment look like a place where some kind of an adult lives. It is absolutely frustrating! I went grocery shopping, rather, I attempted to. Never before did I realize it was possible to suck at such a seemingly easy task, but I assure you all, I royally sucked at it. I walked up and down the aisles looking at things that looked like they could be good, yet somehow I convinced myself I really didn't need to purchase that. Here's a rundown of what I actually bought:

Milk, Apples, Veggie Chips, Spaghetti, Sauce, Green Beans, Cheerios.

WHAT DO I DO WITH THAT?!?!!

I realized after I had left the store that, other than spaghetti, there are really no other meals I can make. Who knew one could fail so miserably at that. 

The funny thing is, before my terrible grocery trip, I was really excited to be able to go grocery shopping for myself; finally able to get what I want and for once, have a stocked pantry. Grocery shopping for myself, because I live in apartment now, because now I have to take care of all of that fancy stuff on my own... all of that really means...I'm kind of an adult. But after walking around in the grocery store, I felt smaller than an ant (I was, after all, surrounded by seasoned mother's who knew how to work those aisles). 

I think we all like the idea of being an adult. We like the idea of being on our own, having a career, buying our own food, coming up with new recipes, putting a deposit down on a house... and the list goes on. In theory, these things are great, I guess. Responsibility, taking care of things. Party on. After my experience today though, I realized that I'd much rather pretend to be an adult than actually BE one. I like the current situation of being an "adult" during the school year but then getting to come home and revert back to being a carefully cared for child. Pretend adult. 

I wonder how many actual adults out there wish they could go back to being a kid again, not having to worry about the world and it's consequences. I wonder how many just want to be held by their own parents when they have a cold. Who wouldn't want to be taken care of? 

All of this is really saying, "I'm scared." I'm scared of becoming an official adult, where I can no longer run home and be the child again. I like the idea of doing all those adult things, it sounds pretty cool. Yet, for some reason, when it all gets down to it, I'm just not sure I want to be a real adult. I'd much rather pretend.