Toes on the Line

It has recently occurred to me that I live my life very much in the comfortable middle. I live in the safety zone, the neutral peace area.  I live in a place where it's easy to see all the extremes around me, and pretend like I'd enjoy being a part of them, but would really rather stay safe and sound in my own protected area.

It seems as though I shy away from anything to extreme. For example:

I hate spicy foods.
I hate being sweatily hot and I hate shivering cold (thats why Fall is a nice, middle season).
I hate pain on any scale. I shed tears at the doctors office today because I was pricked with a needle.
I hate scary movies and stick strictly to chick flicks, comedies and action films.
I never want to say anything that could possibly offend another party in any way, so many times I don't fully express my thoughts.

See what I mean?  The safety zone.

I think there should be a deeper, more philosophical meaning to all of this which is why I'm trying to blog my way through my thoughts.  Do I not take enough chances? In all honesty, I probably don't.  I think I prefer to watch other people stick their toes over the line than be the one that sets the alarm off. I always admire those that seem to fear nothing, I have a great friend who seems to fear nothing at all. She always tries to go through doors with caution signs reading "alarm will sound." She has a real thirst for living on the edge, and I wish I would push myself over there as well.  Deep down, I'm still the little girl in first grade who is terrified of getting in trouble with the teacher.  I don't test the waters nearly enough.

I take safe chances, ones with controllable risks.  Maybe thats why I like roller coasters so much; I get the thrill of taking a risk without anything really threatening likely to happen.  I want to change this.  I want to live more dangerously, but I don't want to live so just to say I've been chased by the cops before.  I want to live on the edge because I have a reason for doing so.  I imagine living on the edge would be something like staring the earth in the face and telling it that it in no way has final say over my life.

I kind of like that idea and I really want to push myself to not be so much of a scaredy-cat. Perhaps by letting go of so many of my petty fears and befriending more of the extremes, I will see and taste the world in more brilliant colors and zesty flavors.  I think I will stand in greater awe of God, which I'm desperately searching to do so.

The picture in my mind of what living dangerously and tasting so strongly is an infusion of so many wonderful things that I can't fully piece it together.  All I know is that I want to step out there, I want to walk to the edge and but my toes over the line.

Here's to doing dangerous things!  

Running

I used to run and exercise fairly often.  After being involved in sports and some sort of athletic activity for a lot of my life, I understood how running made me feel.  Even though I didn't always want to take time out of my potentially lazy day, I knew that running was good for me and I felt worlds better about myself upon returning.  Running is just more fun when it's a least somewhat warm.  As temperatures begin dropping, I become less and less motivated to run, and eventually I go through long periods of time where I don't do anything.

Welcome to my life for the past two or so months. And even though this Tennessee weather has only recently dipped in to winter weather, I gave up running earlier this season just because I was tired of putting in all that effort.  I think it goes without saying that my body is paying the consequences now and I fear it is only going to get worse as the holidays draw nearer.

Many of us are familiar with the Christian life being compared to a race.  Paul mentions it a few times in his writings. He encourages us to keep running and to press on towards the finish line; the finish line being united with Christ.  I've really slowed my pace in this race, and I am ashamed of where I am right now because I know I've taken my eyes off of the coming prize to linger in the moments here just a while longer.

I think I've begun questioning the way things are done a lot more this semester than I have before. I've become so focused with escaping the rules that people assume to be true of Christianity that I haven't done a good job of living how I think Christians should live. I guess you can say I've become rebellious, but a cautious rebel at that.

I seem to have lost all feeling.  A few months ago I was really frustrated because I felt that I was doing everything I should be doing as a Christian, and wanting to pursue a relationship with Christ, but I wasn't feeling anything in return.  Now I know God never left me and that I also shouldn't base our relationship on feelings, but once that numb feeling started to persist, I think I began wandering and daydreaming.  The fact that I haven't truly connected to a church body this semester hasn't help much at all either.  I've been distanced from the community of Christ that I so love and I began hurting.

I hate where I am right now. I hate being a hypocrite.  I hate that I don't feel God's hand in mine. I hate that I have been such a willing sinner and insulting the spirit of grace. I hate that I've allowed Satan to sidetrack me and push me to a place where I feel hidden from God.

I want to come home.

This next journey of my life is going to pose more strains on my walk with God because of the makeup of Argentina, and it being a country where Christianity is rarely practiced.  I want and need to serve as a beacon of light when I am down there, and as I sit here today, I am terrified that I will only fall further than where I am now.

If you happen to stumble upon this blog, can I ask you to pray for me? Pray that I would return my gaze towards Jesus' face and that I would walk confidently in the path of righteousness that he has prepared.  Pray that I would look sin in the face only to shun it and that I would grasp the hand of my Heavenly father. Pray that I would have the strength to stand apart as a Christian in a dark place and that I would not conform to the patterns of the world any longer. Pray for a renewal of life in Christ.

I beg for Christ's mercy on my failings and I rejoice in the grace he gives relentlessly. I pray that I would stop taking advantage of such a gift and start living in the way I know to be true.  Jesus, I'm sorry for pushing you aside. Help the desires that You've placed within my heart to be reflected in my daily actions.  As your daughter, I long to make you proud and I'm sorry for the pain I've been putting you through.  

I'm lacing up my running shoes today and I'm ready to begin training again.  I realize it'll take some time to get back into the rhythm of it all, but I have a glimpse of just how worth it it all is and I'm ready to get back in the game.

The Dancer

Exodus 25 describes the temple God asked to be built.  The detail that went in to each and every article within the temple is incredible.  And it makes you think, if you God designed a temple with such ornateness and we, our bodies, are the temples of God, then how much detail did he put in to us? Incredible!

One of the challenges with todays advent reading was to think about the decorations that are put up in houses around Christmas time.  My mom does a wonderful job of decorating our house, making it such a warm and inviting place to be in.  My favorite part of the decorating is putting up the lights on the outside of the house (but only colored lights, the white ones are just too boring!).  No one every decorates their house with random objects; they all mean something to the owner.  I think our decorations aim at the splendor of God's creative works.  I think our ornaments serve as a remembrance of the life God has blessed us with and experiences we have shared and gone through.  I pray that as I continue to grow and mature that I would continue to think of decorations in such a way, seeing past their supposed potential materialistic worth.

Another discussion point in the advent reading today was to create an ornament or decoration that represents how I feel about my relationship with God this year. I think if I were to create an ornament, it would be of a pair of ballet dancers.  The ballerina would be twirling and having one hand in the air being held by her partner as she twirls (I don't know the male term for ballerina).  It's cliche to say that life's a dance, but I'm going to use it anyway.  I think my relationship with Jesus this year has been a dance.  At times it has been extremely intimate, and we've danced closely.  There have been other moments when I go out for more of a solo move, and other times where we are dancing together, but not necessarily in the most intimate way.  Regardless of where I've been in my dance routine this year, I always spin back to God.  I'm becoming more independent, and trying out new things, but I always look back to find God to take up our dance together again.  I think the most beautiful dance routines are when the man and woman hold each other so intimately, and rightly so, these are the most beautiful times I share with God.  Unfortunately, I'm very prone to wandering, but I don't usually wander off too far.  I know where my love is, and in the end, it's always better to dance in the safety of His arms.

Joseph

The start of December marks the start of the advent season- the story and history of Jesus' birth.  Today I was reading the story of Mary and Joseph in Matthew 1; I'll give you a short recap: 

Joseph and Mary were engaged to be married (I'd love to know how he proposed!).  Sometime before their marriage, Mary was found to be with child after a visitation from an angel.  During this visitation, the angel told Mary that she would carry the son of God and serve as his mother on earth. Well, this puts dear Joseph in a difficult situation.  His soon to be wife was pregnant and he had nothing to do with it and furthermore, explaining the situation to his friends and family would most likely cause them to believe he is indeed crazy. 

Joseph had every right to break off the engagement in a vicious manner, but being the man that he was, he decided to go through with the separation quietly.  But before he could follow through with his plan, Joseph was met by an angel who told him to stay by Mary's side and raise the son of God. I can't imagine what was going through his mind during all of this; if it were me, I probably would have fled to the another country where I could start a new life with a new name, escaping the accusations of being a crazy person. 

But Joseph didn't.

He obediently followed the call that God had placed on his life. He took Mary as his wife and together they faced public scrutiny.  Together, under God's authority and calling, they served as Jesus' earthly parents. 

I think Mary gets a lot of attention for her role, and believe me, I understand how great of a role it was. But what about Joseph? I can't help but wonder what kind of man Joseph was that he was called in to such an honorable position. I wonder what his courage looked like. I wonder how he lead Mary and spurred her on in her relationship with God.  I wonder what parenting Jesus looked like.  

As a woman with hopes of marriage at some point, I can't help but think about all of these things. I can't help but want such a God-fearing man as Joseph.  I want a man willing to look past worldly gimmicks and laughter, only to look forward to God's greater treasures.  I want a man who will lead me and stay by my side no matter what.  I want a man that understands and will encourage me to follow in the specific path God is directing me in and to walk with me there.  

I'd like to ask for forgiveness for having high expectations in men, but in that same breath, I honestly don't think I want to.  I don't expect any man to be perfect, but I do expect certain Godly qualities to be exist.  I don't expect them to have it all together, because that will never happen, but I do expect that he tries and that there be evidence of that effort.  

Before anyone assumes I have put myself on a pedestal of perfection, you certainly won't find me up there.  Look for me somewhere on the ground amidst the dirt.  But I know that I'm trying.  And I hope you can see evidence of my efforts, and if not, I'll just keep trying. 

I could only hope for the faith and strength of Mary, and I hope that my future husband hopes for the faith, leadership and strength of Joseph. And I hope that in our marriage, we will walk forward together with our eyes locked on those of Christ's. 

A Struggling Lover's Prayer

Honesty brings forth vulnerability which eludes to the core of ourselves. For as much as I struggle with vulnerability, I know it has great worth.  If instead of wearing superhero costumes to cover up our imperfections, and we let our natural skin show, I believe something truly beautiful will occur.  I believe that we will all realize that none of us is really that different from each other.

That said, for the past few months or so, I've really been struggling with feeling God's presence. I know, I know, its not about a feeling. So I guess my real struggle was the fact that I felt completely numb to everything. Nothing truly excited me nor upset me. I could relate most to a ghost, I suppose. From what I know about them (watching Casper the Friendly Ghost, anyway), they go about life as usual, only they experience no warmth, they're simply hollow creatures.

I wanted to be moved. I wanted to feel alive and to know that I really hadn't died yet.  My relationship with God felt stagnant. I know all the "right" things to do, and I had been doing them.  I didn't want to give up on God, but I was growing impatient.

So I prayed a struggling lover's prayer.  One that I imagine a couple on the verge of separation or divorce might pray. I told God I wanted to feel in love again. I wanted that feeling of ecstasy.  I wanted it to be like when I first came to know Him. And not that this should affect the timing of this prayer, but I especially did not want to feel numb towards God during the month we celebrate the birth of his son.  I wanted a deeper understanding of the weight and the miracle of Christmas.

Shortly following my struggling lover's prayer, I started thinking about what would have happened had Christ not been born, and thats when I started to come back to life.  My first thought was that I would still believe in God. But I couldn't be more wrong! Without Christ being born, the Trinity would be gone and the very structure of Christianity would be destroyed.  God would have no characteristics that I could relate to, and I would be left with the big man in the sky.  God sent his son to take on human flesh so that I would understand the personal relationship God wanted to pursue.  He sent his son so that I would understand and receive grace and mercy. He sent his son so that I would believe. As I've said before, I'm not the best at articulating my thoughts, but the answers that I've received since asking this question and praying that prayer have been truly moving.

And I'm in love again!

My body is swayed by the gift of Christ Jesus.  I feel my heart leap for joy!  My thankfulness and awe for the holy bundle that laid in the dirty manger is beyond what I am currently able to process.  But thats the beauty of love! It is a mystery that can never be solved.

I am looking at this Christmas season with new eyes....

I'm alive! I'm alive! I'm alive!      

Rewind the Clock

Its that awkward era of life; I feel like I talk about it often.  I guess I just mostly realize it when I'm around my family. When I'm around them, I want everything to feel as it did 4 years ago. Four years ago, my life was much more intertwined with my family's.  They knew who my friends were in my stories, and they understood what was going on in general.  We were a tight family unit, and I'm desperately trying to reclaim that it seems.

But now, I live nine hours away.  Its hard for my family to understand my stories, or get it in its entirety because the characters involved are somewhat foreign to them.  My everyday life does not involve them, and sometimes I feel like I want it to more than they want to stay involved in mine.  Maybe they're just trying to give me freedom, but I want to bring them with me. My brother has a girlfriend now and I feel like I'm fighting to keep a decent relationship with him now.  I want things to go back to how it was when we would take family road trips and be forcibly cooped up together in one place for an extended period of time with nothing to take away from that family time.  But priorities change and life changes. And me? I guess I'm just trying to find where I belong.

I don't know how to adjust and be happy when I know what I loved so much before.  I want it all to stay the same, to be the way it was right before everything changed.

Go back time, go back. Rewind the clock and give me just a few more hours before the sun rises again.

Thanksgiving

America gives us one (official) day to sit down and think about what we are thankful for, and many of us will let the day slip away almost as quickly as Grandma's mashed potatoes went down. (Sorry if that was a lame joke). But when you really take the time to look at your life, I think you will find some wonderful surprises that you may otherwise overlook (like whatever is in that side dish called stuffing- ok, I'll stop).

So what am I thankful for? Here's a little snippet:

Mom, Dad, Dillon, having an apartment that I can pay for, a reliable paycheck, the opportunity to travel abroad, getting and education, my friends that make life more interesting, accountability, laughter, groceries, my car, music, forgiveness, and God's unrelenting love for me that is impossible to understand.

It is so easy to forget to be thankful.  It is much easier to wallow in dangerous traps set by the Enemy that tells us nothing is good. But there is so much good to be appreciated! At my internship yesterday, I overheard a boy talking about how awful his holiday seasons are.  He has walked away from the past few Christmases with no presents and the past Thanksgivings with nothing much to feast on.  In fact, his family didn't even have enough money to keep their lights turned on. So for me to even think for one moment that I have nothing to be thankful for is to be ungrateful for everything in my life.

Don't give Satan the satisfaction of disowning the good and blessed things that have happened in your life.  The same guy that I was talking about above, he too has plenty to be thankful for.  He's had opportunities to pursue a singing career and now he is headed towards a higher education.

Be thankful. Whatever it is in your life, give thanks. And never, for one moment think that there is nothing good in your life because in doing so, you tear down the great work that was done through Christ Jesus.