Rewind the Clock

Its that awkward era of life; I feel like I talk about it often.  I guess I just mostly realize it when I'm around my family. When I'm around them, I want everything to feel as it did 4 years ago. Four years ago, my life was much more intertwined with my family's.  They knew who my friends were in my stories, and they understood what was going on in general.  We were a tight family unit, and I'm desperately trying to reclaim that it seems.

But now, I live nine hours away.  Its hard for my family to understand my stories, or get it in its entirety because the characters involved are somewhat foreign to them.  My everyday life does not involve them, and sometimes I feel like I want it to more than they want to stay involved in mine.  Maybe they're just trying to give me freedom, but I want to bring them with me. My brother has a girlfriend now and I feel like I'm fighting to keep a decent relationship with him now.  I want things to go back to how it was when we would take family road trips and be forcibly cooped up together in one place for an extended period of time with nothing to take away from that family time.  But priorities change and life changes. And me? I guess I'm just trying to find where I belong.

I don't know how to adjust and be happy when I know what I loved so much before.  I want it all to stay the same, to be the way it was right before everything changed.

Go back time, go back. Rewind the clock and give me just a few more hours before the sun rises again.

Thanksgiving

America gives us one (official) day to sit down and think about what we are thankful for, and many of us will let the day slip away almost as quickly as Grandma's mashed potatoes went down. (Sorry if that was a lame joke). But when you really take the time to look at your life, I think you will find some wonderful surprises that you may otherwise overlook (like whatever is in that side dish called stuffing- ok, I'll stop).

So what am I thankful for? Here's a little snippet:

Mom, Dad, Dillon, having an apartment that I can pay for, a reliable paycheck, the opportunity to travel abroad, getting and education, my friends that make life more interesting, accountability, laughter, groceries, my car, music, forgiveness, and God's unrelenting love for me that is impossible to understand.

It is so easy to forget to be thankful.  It is much easier to wallow in dangerous traps set by the Enemy that tells us nothing is good. But there is so much good to be appreciated! At my internship yesterday, I overheard a boy talking about how awful his holiday seasons are.  He has walked away from the past few Christmases with no presents and the past Thanksgivings with nothing much to feast on.  In fact, his family didn't even have enough money to keep their lights turned on. So for me to even think for one moment that I have nothing to be thankful for is to be ungrateful for everything in my life.

Don't give Satan the satisfaction of disowning the good and blessed things that have happened in your life.  The same guy that I was talking about above, he too has plenty to be thankful for.  He's had opportunities to pursue a singing career and now he is headed towards a higher education.

Be thankful. Whatever it is in your life, give thanks. And never, for one moment think that there is nothing good in your life because in doing so, you tear down the great work that was done through Christ Jesus.

One Of Those Nights...

Today is just one of those days where I really don't like people.

I don't want to text anyone, call anyone, be asked anymore questions, I don't really want to be around people, hear talking, just leave me alone.

For today.

Love for a Sinner Just Doesn't Make Sense

I simply cannot wrap my mind around the great mysteriousness of God. I am left standing in front of Him, feeling as though I know absolutely nothing of Him, and yet, I am compelled by the mystery of it all to go further. I cannot tell you how many times I have prayed, "God, I just want to know you more..." It seems that no matter how many times I pray that prayer, I still don't understand. How could a God who is in charge of the universe know me so intimately?  When I really take the time to sit down and spend quality time with God, I feel like the only one He cares about, and that's how love should feel. But what blows my mind is that this love is extended to every single person across this earth.  There is no limit to who can have this intimate relationship. There are no requirements, no standards. Nothing. Just a desire to be loved.

I don't think I've ever realized how much of a sinner I am until this year. I guess if I'm going to be honest, I never really took the time to notice the things in my life that truly were and are sin. I figured that as long as I wasn't drinking, swearing, or having sex, I was pretty golden. Repentance didn't seem like something I needed. Pride much?

I started asking God to show me the areas in which sin had a hold on me. It started getting messy, and I was ashamed. Ashamed that I had fallen into the sin of thinking I wasn't that bad of a sinner. According to God, all sins are equal. My sins weigh just as heavily as someone who has robbed a bank, or murdered their own family. When you compare things like that, it's easy to start feeling pretty awful about yourself. I think one negative thought about someone, and I'm in the same boat as the guy who blew up a convenient station. In our human eyes, the latter seems most unforgivable. We let the negative thoughts slide, because hey, we all think those from time to time.

But God doesn't play favorites; we are all sentenced the same death.

Or given the same gift of life.

And that's just crazy to me! Why would a God so holy, so pure, and so perfect, create a way out? I can give no other explanation other than it was all for love.  I serve a God who loves community, and doesn't want anyone to miss out, so we are all given the same chance. All of us.  The beauty of it!

I wish and I pray that I could love people and love God with even the smallest fraction of how He loves. I try, I fail, and I'm forgiven again because my heavenly Father knows me as He created me to be- not the one who is tainted by worldly pleasures.

God sees me for what He originally created. He doesn't see me dirty. And although all I can see is my filth, and my unworthiness, I am immensely grateful that in the Creator's eyes, I too am holy.

I just can't wrap my mind around it. It doesn't make sense! But regardless of it's clarity to me, I am driven to pursue God more and to be in community with Him.

Nothing makes sense, but somehow, it really doesn't need to.

Hallelujah!!

Dear "Men" of the World...

Live up to your "man" reputation and BE one.

I'm a girl who believes chivalry should never die. I appreciate the door being held open for me, and even more so when the guy continues to stand there and hold the door open for a long string of people. That shows a lot about his character.

Second. Don't ask a girl out via text message, email, or through a third party member. If you're really interested, you'll take the time to make that personal connection, and the chances of her saying "yes" multiplies dramatically. We recognize the courage it takes to approach us and those that actually do when big time. Sending text messages and emails is taking the easy way out, and I haven't placed myself in the easy category, sorry.

Make your intentions clearer. Our hearts take ideas and run with them in all sorts of directions unless there have been clear intentions stated. It really just makes things easier for everyone.

Please, show an interest in us. I love hearing about other people and for the most part, I prefer to let others do the talking because I love their stories. But, it really means the world to me when I am directly asked about myself. That being said, there is no bigger turn off for me than a guy who never asks me a single question. Or, if he does but then immediately checks out...adios senor.

I guess the moral of my brief rant here, is A) Men, be men. And B) Please, pursue us.
For the sake of holding back a lot of frustration, I won't go more in detail. Just ponder this for a while.

Man up.
 

Moving On

Today is one of those days that I realize everything around me is changing. As I take that sentence in, my body is filled with a whirlwind of emotions and I don't really know where or when I'll settle.

I'm mourning for my life past and the death it is speeding towards, and at the same time, I'm watching myself cautiously opening new doors. I'm stuck in the dichotomy of wanting everything to stay the same, but I'm tired of everything being the same and want new experiences.

I went home over fall break but to be honest, I was eager to come back to Nashville. Of course it was great to see my family, but I don't think I was ready to be back there. It was odd being home, a feeling I really don't know how to describe, one I hadn't really experienced before, one I'm still trying to decipher. I guess I just feel myself growing up and I'm being forced to as other people move on and grow up around me too.

Sometimes, I feel the only who is allowed to move on is myself....how selfish. I want to move on but know that everything I left behind has stayed the same, just waiting for me should I desire to return. It doesn't work out that way, and it's completely unfair for me to expect it to. If I'm feeling like this, I'm sure everyone around me is feeling something similar. Their lives have their own orbit, and for a brief, incredibly wonderful amount time, our paths were intertwined and I could not be more thankful.

I guess I'm just scared for what is going to happen next. I'm scared because I don't think I want to go back home this summer. I'm scared because the people that once were there are moving on too, and I don't want to be left by myself. I'm scared because I don't want to be on my own...but I do.

Nothings the same anymore and change is a hard thing to adapt to. I'm trying to embrace it, I'm trying to deal with my emotions, and I'm trying to understand my own word vomit I just spewed.

You Can't Mean What You Said...

You can't mean what you said,

because your history says you're a liar. 

I won't believe the words that you say,

because I know what truth sounds like.

I curse your lips as you aim to taint me with a kiss,

and as you prey upon my heart

be ware that I am part of the Victor's team.

Your efforts are made in vain.

Your subtle whispers become a scream

and you stamp your feet, as if your anger deserves my attention.

I'll continue to turn my back, and deny you recognition

but I'll call you out for what you truly are.

Armored and sealed, you can shoot, but it will not be my death.

Keep wasting your time, and I'll keep running forward.

Soon enough, you'll hear my victory laugh

as I dance upon your grave

which you intended to dig for me.