When we visualize the cross, we far too often see it as simply a piece of jewelry to adorn our necks. We put it on in the morning because it dresses up our outfit, but then we forget what that emblem means, or that we're even wearing it. The cross was never meant to be a dainty ornament. The TV ads selling 24k gold crosses or crosses made of all crystals really make me angry, and I refuse to buy in to that. They make Jesus' sacrifice seem so intangible to anyone outside of the upper tier of wealth and it takes away from the struggle of it all. Yes, what happened on the cross was the most beautiful gift man could ever receive, but the process itself was the dirtiest. We focus on the aftermath, we focus on the happy ending that we wish to partake in. Yet, I'm finding that by merely focusing on that happy ending, we take for granted the road leading up to it and we forget about the fight that we are still in. We forget there is work to be done here, in our time on earth.
I want to visualize the cross more as the bloody mess that it was. In doing so, I believe I will be able to understand God's love for me that much more and it will cause me to live my life a great deal different than visualizing it as a piece of clean silver. I need to remember the struggle Jesus had in carrying the cross, to think of how heavy it must have been on his shoulders so that I may fully appreciate him carrying my sins. I need to remember the mockery he faced and the strength he had to endure it, never backing down or denying his identity. May that be the strength to encourage me in my walk. I pray I remember the pain of being brutally beaten and then nailed to the cross. But Jesus carried on because his love was so great, and he knew that that pain was only temporary and how shortly, he would be building the kingdom for his believers to join him in.
The gift of salvation was not acquired easily, so may I not forget the journey. May I not be content to just wearing a cross around my neck, where I can so easily forget about its existence. Instead, may I keep the image of the bloody cross in front of me. To keep the sacrifice forever fresh in my mind so that my actions would echo what I choose to believe. Realizing the brutality of it all makes Jesus' love that much sweeter to me, and it becomes so much more than a Sunday morning thought. It takes over the meaning of my existence and my mission in this world.
"Keep the crucified Jesus in clear focus in your life." Galatians 3:1 MSG
Friday, May 6, 2011
Friday, April 8, 2011
A Moment of Truth
Right now, walking forward feels a lot like taking one baby step forward and 3 giant leaps backwards. I came in to this study abroad experience knowing it would be a challenge, but I don't know that I fully equipped and prepared myself for it. My calling and what my heart's desire to do is to carry God's light to those dark places. To be a vessel pointing others in the direction of Christ. I know my calling, but my execution would not lead one to think others to think so. When it is just me and God, I am completely sure of the plan of action. But in the company of my new friends here, I am realizing how weak my flesh is. I set my armor down in order to satisfy my current desires; my desires to belong to a group of friends, to be liked, to be found attractive. I know these are worldly wants, I know these are temporary and there is no lasting joy in their fulfillment. I am filled with deep regret for giving in so easily to these temptations, and I find myself almost angry at God for letting me partake in sin, and the repeated sin, time and time again.
But God is not a dictator. He will not force me, or you, to do anything. He offers His love, His love that satisfies so completely, yet leaves the offer on the table for us to take or leave. Of course He yearns for us to take it, for God is a relational God and desires to be in community with us, the people He has created. But he refuses to force any of us to take it, for that is not true love. We must equally desire to love Him, we must desire to live for Him.
I made a decision many years ago to accept God's love because I believe in the way and the truth that He is. But I am really struggling right now to maintain walking on this path to righteousness. I keep getting distracted, and I wander off. I keep acknowledging sin and allowing myself to partake in what I know I should not. I am letting my earthly desires rule in front of Christ.
I do not wish to take advantage of God's grace and mercy, but thats what I feel I am doing. My weak flesh is crying for the strength of my Savior. The strength that I find in my intimate moments with Christ is what I need to be present in every other moment.
But what it all comes down to is me actively choosing to take on the strength Christ offers. This is the battle that I am in, the one that God has promised would not be easy. But I must remember that the victory is already His and I have a part of that. I still must fight. I refuse to simply acknowledge who He is with my heart, but deny his greatness in front of the world. I can talk about how I have no Christian community here and say that is the reason I feel so weak, but the reality is, Christ is with me all the time. All the time. It really shouldn't matter who I am surrounded by, and I cannot maintain that excuse. Friends, please pray for me in this battle I am facing. Please pray for strength, unwavering strength, and that I would grip Christ's hand so that nothing can separate us.
I have chosen to live for Christ and accept His love. I curse these earthly desires that lurk around every corner. I am strong because Christ has given me His strength, and this is what I must continue to stand on.
Father, I know my decisions are causing you great pain right now. This is not what I ant. I want to bring you joy, I ant to do the things you want me to because I know that your way is so much better. But how easy I forget this! God, I am so sorry. Please, forgive my flesh for being so weak, teach me to use your strenght, and to use it daily. Teach me to walk away from sin, to say no and to really remember that you are greater. You are greater. You are greater. It is one thing to confess all this in my heart, but the true test comes in living this out. May my actions portray what I confess in my heart. May I not lead others astray, but show them that You are the only way, the only light, and the only life. This is what I believe. I stand here now, begging for Satan's troops to leave me alone. I am a part of the Lord's army, and I will not betray. Oh God, please be so much bigger than I am allowing you to be. Father, I ask for strength to conquer this. The strength to say no and to be ok with that answer. Oh God, be so much bigger. Be so much bigger. Father, forgive me. Show my feet where the right path is. Show me where you are. My spirit is mourning for the moments I have lost. Please, have mercy on me, although I deserve none. Teach me to walk once more.
But God is not a dictator. He will not force me, or you, to do anything. He offers His love, His love that satisfies so completely, yet leaves the offer on the table for us to take or leave. Of course He yearns for us to take it, for God is a relational God and desires to be in community with us, the people He has created. But he refuses to force any of us to take it, for that is not true love. We must equally desire to love Him, we must desire to live for Him.
I made a decision many years ago to accept God's love because I believe in the way and the truth that He is. But I am really struggling right now to maintain walking on this path to righteousness. I keep getting distracted, and I wander off. I keep acknowledging sin and allowing myself to partake in what I know I should not. I am letting my earthly desires rule in front of Christ.
I do not wish to take advantage of God's grace and mercy, but thats what I feel I am doing. My weak flesh is crying for the strength of my Savior. The strength that I find in my intimate moments with Christ is what I need to be present in every other moment.
But what it all comes down to is me actively choosing to take on the strength Christ offers. This is the battle that I am in, the one that God has promised would not be easy. But I must remember that the victory is already His and I have a part of that. I still must fight. I refuse to simply acknowledge who He is with my heart, but deny his greatness in front of the world. I can talk about how I have no Christian community here and say that is the reason I feel so weak, but the reality is, Christ is with me all the time. All the time. It really shouldn't matter who I am surrounded by, and I cannot maintain that excuse. Friends, please pray for me in this battle I am facing. Please pray for strength, unwavering strength, and that I would grip Christ's hand so that nothing can separate us.
I have chosen to live for Christ and accept His love. I curse these earthly desires that lurk around every corner. I am strong because Christ has given me His strength, and this is what I must continue to stand on.
Father, I know my decisions are causing you great pain right now. This is not what I ant. I want to bring you joy, I ant to do the things you want me to because I know that your way is so much better. But how easy I forget this! God, I am so sorry. Please, forgive my flesh for being so weak, teach me to use your strenght, and to use it daily. Teach me to walk away from sin, to say no and to really remember that you are greater. You are greater. You are greater. It is one thing to confess all this in my heart, but the true test comes in living this out. May my actions portray what I confess in my heart. May I not lead others astray, but show them that You are the only way, the only light, and the only life. This is what I believe. I stand here now, begging for Satan's troops to leave me alone. I am a part of the Lord's army, and I will not betray. Oh God, please be so much bigger than I am allowing you to be. Father, I ask for strength to conquer this. The strength to say no and to be ok with that answer. Oh God, be so much bigger. Be so much bigger. Father, forgive me. Show my feet where the right path is. Show me where you are. My spirit is mourning for the moments I have lost. Please, have mercy on me, although I deserve none. Teach me to walk once more.
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
Seasons
"I have become all things to all men..." 1 Corinthians 9:22
I can't help but feel drawn to this verse. I wake up every morning, tossing it around in my mind simply trying my best to understand it and apply it to my life. What Paul was given to write has really struck a chord deep within my soul, and in these moments where I feel besides myself, there is no greater comfort than Truth.
A tree's roots descend far below the surface, and extend further than those standing on the outside really know. Giving the tree humanistic qualities, only it can know the miles stretched by it's roots- what they come in contact with, the areas that have directed its roots in one direction or another. All of this lives deep beneath the surface of what is shared with the world, and as long as the tree is receiving the necessary nutrients, it will continue to grow and, well... branch out.
Above the surface, we can see a tall, sturdy tree adorned with leaves, and of course the little birds that make the tree it's home. But lets focus on the leaves. The leaves look different from season to season, depending on which end of the season spectrum we're in. But the point I'm trying to get at is that the leaves change based on the circumstances, based on the season.
The leaves change, the roots stay the same.
I think there's a lot to learn from this picture/analogy God has given me, and I'm still sorting through it all. A tree does what it has to do to outwardly fit in to it's surroundings, meanwhile, what goes on beneath continues growing. I guess this is how I can best describe where I'm at right now.
I am firmly rooted in Christ and nothing can sway me of that, of this I am sure. However, as Paul writes, I must become all things to all men. Now, I don't believe this to mean that it's ok to engage in deliberate sinful activities simply because thats what the rest of Rome is doing. Rather, I think it's saying to follow suit with those around you, as long as it is not compromising your roots.
Maybe a personal example will help.
Buenos Aires is very much a party culture, and the very opposite of what I'm used to. However, I would be wasting too many opportunities should I choose to stick to how I'm used to things and stay home. I would be missing opportunities to speak with so many different people and engaging in friendships that otherwise wouldn't exist. I would be ignoring Christ's call on my life. So, I have to adapt to my surroundings. I'm not adapting my roots, I'm only changing my leaves to fit the season.
Regardless of the color of a tree's leaves, you can (almost) always tell what family of trees it belongs to. The genetic make up shines through. Regardless of the seasonal appearance of my leaves, it is my deepest hope and prayer that my identity in Christ is evident.
Who knows where I will be in the coming months, who knows what type of season it will be. As my journeys continue, my roots will continue to form and grow stronger. I allow my leaves to change for the good and the sake of those around me in efforts to become all things to all men for the good of God's kingdom.
I'm not adapting my roots, I'm only changing my leaves to fit the season.
I can't help but feel drawn to this verse. I wake up every morning, tossing it around in my mind simply trying my best to understand it and apply it to my life. What Paul was given to write has really struck a chord deep within my soul, and in these moments where I feel besides myself, there is no greater comfort than Truth.
A tree's roots descend far below the surface, and extend further than those standing on the outside really know. Giving the tree humanistic qualities, only it can know the miles stretched by it's roots- what they come in contact with, the areas that have directed its roots in one direction or another. All of this lives deep beneath the surface of what is shared with the world, and as long as the tree is receiving the necessary nutrients, it will continue to grow and, well... branch out.
Above the surface, we can see a tall, sturdy tree adorned with leaves, and of course the little birds that make the tree it's home. But lets focus on the leaves. The leaves look different from season to season, depending on which end of the season spectrum we're in. But the point I'm trying to get at is that the leaves change based on the circumstances, based on the season.
The leaves change, the roots stay the same.
I think there's a lot to learn from this picture/analogy God has given me, and I'm still sorting through it all. A tree does what it has to do to outwardly fit in to it's surroundings, meanwhile, what goes on beneath continues growing. I guess this is how I can best describe where I'm at right now.
I am firmly rooted in Christ and nothing can sway me of that, of this I am sure. However, as Paul writes, I must become all things to all men. Now, I don't believe this to mean that it's ok to engage in deliberate sinful activities simply because thats what the rest of Rome is doing. Rather, I think it's saying to follow suit with those around you, as long as it is not compromising your roots.
Maybe a personal example will help.
Buenos Aires is very much a party culture, and the very opposite of what I'm used to. However, I would be wasting too many opportunities should I choose to stick to how I'm used to things and stay home. I would be missing opportunities to speak with so many different people and engaging in friendships that otherwise wouldn't exist. I would be ignoring Christ's call on my life. So, I have to adapt to my surroundings. I'm not adapting my roots, I'm only changing my leaves to fit the season.
Regardless of the color of a tree's leaves, you can (almost) always tell what family of trees it belongs to. The genetic make up shines through. Regardless of the seasonal appearance of my leaves, it is my deepest hope and prayer that my identity in Christ is evident.
Who knows where I will be in the coming months, who knows what type of season it will be. As my journeys continue, my roots will continue to form and grow stronger. I allow my leaves to change for the good and the sake of those around me in efforts to become all things to all men for the good of God's kingdom.
I'm not adapting my roots, I'm only changing my leaves to fit the season.
Monday, January 24, 2011
Growing Alone
I feel as though I've been cheating on this blog page- in the past month, I've started another blog to cater more directly to my travel adventures in Argentina. But I allow myself to go a little deeper on these pages, and I think thats what I need right now.
I have never felt so alone in my life.
Here I am, thousands of miles away from home, in a place that is completely opposite of who I am and yet- this place is exactly what I've prayed about and desired. If you know me, I talk a lot about wanting to live outside of the Christian bubble, but I never feel as though I've actually fulfilled that desire. There have been times where I stick one foot outside of the bubble, sometimes my entire body, but I'm quick to go back inside. I know the truth that lives inside of that bubble, and I'm scared that if I step outside of it, I won't thrive.
But what I can't get out of my head is the way Jesus lived his life. He was everywhere people said he shouldn't be. He went against tradition time and time again, and encouraged and taught his disciples to do the same thing. Jesus didn't have a closed circle of "Christian" friends. Jesus loved everyone at every moment of their lives. He didn't wait for them to come to him, he walked boldly towards them.
One thing I'm learning is that remaining inside the Christian bubble only benefits me. It only encourages my personal growth and walk with Christ- a very selfish concept. Following Christ is largely about community, and living life together with everyone. Everyone. Not just those who believe, like I do, that Jesus is God's one and only son- but everyone. And while I myself would be better off surrounding myself with active Christians, I'd be missing the point of following Christ completely. In fact, I think I would have to renounce my Christian title. It's dangerous stepping outside of this safe bubble and in to the Enemy's playground, temptation is everywhere and I am guaranteed to slip up and fail from time to time. But I'd rather work towards advancing Christ's kingdom and take a toll on my own personal walk than remain selfishly in the safety of this community I have so long hidden behind.
I'm not sure that I've run in to a single Christian in Buenos Aires as of yet. But I like that. Its forcing me to really learn how to love people where they're at. It forces me to throw off any and all judgements that I could hold. It forces me to be more confident in what I believe and how I live it.
But even though I'm learning much, and I'm excited to see the growth that comes out of this season, it can still get lonely. For having never been in such a position on my own, I crave a community much more tangible than everyone at home is right now.
I'm learning to live as Jesus did and I'm beginning to understand a small piece of how difficult it was. In these moments when I feel desperately alone, I cling to the One who has been there and done that many times before me. I know my God is greater than my circumstances, and I know that he will never leave me. This, I know, has been promised.
I have never felt so alone in my life.
Here I am, thousands of miles away from home, in a place that is completely opposite of who I am and yet- this place is exactly what I've prayed about and desired. If you know me, I talk a lot about wanting to live outside of the Christian bubble, but I never feel as though I've actually fulfilled that desire. There have been times where I stick one foot outside of the bubble, sometimes my entire body, but I'm quick to go back inside. I know the truth that lives inside of that bubble, and I'm scared that if I step outside of it, I won't thrive.
But what I can't get out of my head is the way Jesus lived his life. He was everywhere people said he shouldn't be. He went against tradition time and time again, and encouraged and taught his disciples to do the same thing. Jesus didn't have a closed circle of "Christian" friends. Jesus loved everyone at every moment of their lives. He didn't wait for them to come to him, he walked boldly towards them.
One thing I'm learning is that remaining inside the Christian bubble only benefits me. It only encourages my personal growth and walk with Christ- a very selfish concept. Following Christ is largely about community, and living life together with everyone. Everyone. Not just those who believe, like I do, that Jesus is God's one and only son- but everyone. And while I myself would be better off surrounding myself with active Christians, I'd be missing the point of following Christ completely. In fact, I think I would have to renounce my Christian title. It's dangerous stepping outside of this safe bubble and in to the Enemy's playground, temptation is everywhere and I am guaranteed to slip up and fail from time to time. But I'd rather work towards advancing Christ's kingdom and take a toll on my own personal walk than remain selfishly in the safety of this community I have so long hidden behind.
I'm not sure that I've run in to a single Christian in Buenos Aires as of yet. But I like that. Its forcing me to really learn how to love people where they're at. It forces me to throw off any and all judgements that I could hold. It forces me to be more confident in what I believe and how I live it.
But even though I'm learning much, and I'm excited to see the growth that comes out of this season, it can still get lonely. For having never been in such a position on my own, I crave a community much more tangible than everyone at home is right now.
I'm learning to live as Jesus did and I'm beginning to understand a small piece of how difficult it was. In these moments when I feel desperately alone, I cling to the One who has been there and done that many times before me. I know my God is greater than my circumstances, and I know that he will never leave me. This, I know, has been promised.
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
Toes on the Line
It has recently occurred to me that I live my life very much in the comfortable middle. I live in the safety zone, the neutral peace area. I live in a place where it's easy to see all the extremes around me, and pretend like I'd enjoy being a part of them, but would really rather stay safe and sound in my own protected area.
It seems as though I shy away from anything to extreme. For example:
I hate spicy foods.
I hate being sweatily hot and I hate shivering cold (thats why Fall is a nice, middle season).
I hate pain on any scale. I shed tears at the doctors office today because I was pricked with a needle.
I hate scary movies and stick strictly to chick flicks, comedies and action films.
I never want to say anything that could possibly offend another party in any way, so many times I don't fully express my thoughts.
See what I mean? The safety zone.
I think there should be a deeper, more philosophical meaning to all of this which is why I'm trying to blog my way through my thoughts. Do I not take enough chances? In all honesty, I probably don't. I think I prefer to watch other people stick their toes over the line than be the one that sets the alarm off. I always admire those that seem to fear nothing, I have a great friend who seems to fear nothing at all. She always tries to go through doors with caution signs reading "alarm will sound." She has a real thirst for living on the edge, and I wish I would push myself over there as well. Deep down, I'm still the little girl in first grade who is terrified of getting in trouble with the teacher. I don't test the waters nearly enough.
I take safe chances, ones with controllable risks. Maybe thats why I like roller coasters so much; I get the thrill of taking a risk without anything really threatening likely to happen. I want to change this. I want to live more dangerously, but I don't want to live so just to say I've been chased by the cops before. I want to live on the edge because I have a reason for doing so. I imagine living on the edge would be something like staring the earth in the face and telling it that it in no way has final say over my life.
I kind of like that idea and I really want to push myself to not be so much of a scaredy-cat. Perhaps by letting go of so many of my petty fears and befriending more of the extremes, I will see and taste the world in more brilliant colors and zesty flavors. I think I will stand in greater awe of God, which I'm desperately searching to do so.
The picture in my mind of what living dangerously and tasting so strongly is an infusion of so many wonderful things that I can't fully piece it together. All I know is that I want to step out there, I want to walk to the edge and but my toes over the line.
Here's to doing dangerous things!
It seems as though I shy away from anything to extreme. For example:
I hate spicy foods.
I hate being sweatily hot and I hate shivering cold (thats why Fall is a nice, middle season).
I hate pain on any scale. I shed tears at the doctors office today because I was pricked with a needle.
I hate scary movies and stick strictly to chick flicks, comedies and action films.
I never want to say anything that could possibly offend another party in any way, so many times I don't fully express my thoughts.
See what I mean? The safety zone.
I think there should be a deeper, more philosophical meaning to all of this which is why I'm trying to blog my way through my thoughts. Do I not take enough chances? In all honesty, I probably don't. I think I prefer to watch other people stick their toes over the line than be the one that sets the alarm off. I always admire those that seem to fear nothing, I have a great friend who seems to fear nothing at all. She always tries to go through doors with caution signs reading "alarm will sound." She has a real thirst for living on the edge, and I wish I would push myself over there as well. Deep down, I'm still the little girl in first grade who is terrified of getting in trouble with the teacher. I don't test the waters nearly enough.
I take safe chances, ones with controllable risks. Maybe thats why I like roller coasters so much; I get the thrill of taking a risk without anything really threatening likely to happen. I want to change this. I want to live more dangerously, but I don't want to live so just to say I've been chased by the cops before. I want to live on the edge because I have a reason for doing so. I imagine living on the edge would be something like staring the earth in the face and telling it that it in no way has final say over my life.
I kind of like that idea and I really want to push myself to not be so much of a scaredy-cat. Perhaps by letting go of so many of my petty fears and befriending more of the extremes, I will see and taste the world in more brilliant colors and zesty flavors. I think I will stand in greater awe of God, which I'm desperately searching to do so.
The picture in my mind of what living dangerously and tasting so strongly is an infusion of so many wonderful things that I can't fully piece it together. All I know is that I want to step out there, I want to walk to the edge and but my toes over the line.
Here's to doing dangerous things!
Monday, December 13, 2010
Running
I used to run and exercise fairly often. After being involved in sports and some sort of athletic activity for a lot of my life, I understood how running made me feel. Even though I didn't always want to take time out of my potentially lazy day, I knew that running was good for me and I felt worlds better about myself upon returning. Running is just more fun when it's a least somewhat warm. As temperatures begin dropping, I become less and less motivated to run, and eventually I go through long periods of time where I don't do anything.
Welcome to my life for the past two or so months. And even though this Tennessee weather has only recently dipped in to winter weather, I gave up running earlier this season just because I was tired of putting in all that effort. I think it goes without saying that my body is paying the consequences now and I fear it is only going to get worse as the holidays draw nearer.
Many of us are familiar with the Christian life being compared to a race. Paul mentions it a few times in his writings. He encourages us to keep running and to press on towards the finish line; the finish line being united with Christ. I've really slowed my pace in this race, and I am ashamed of where I am right now because I know I've taken my eyes off of the coming prize to linger in the moments here just a while longer.
I think I've begun questioning the way things are done a lot more this semester than I have before. I've become so focused with escaping the rules that people assume to be true of Christianity that I haven't done a good job of living how I think Christians should live. I guess you can say I've become rebellious, but a cautious rebel at that.
I seem to have lost all feeling. A few months ago I was really frustrated because I felt that I was doing everything I should be doing as a Christian, and wanting to pursue a relationship with Christ, but I wasn't feeling anything in return. Now I know God never left me and that I also shouldn't base our relationship on feelings, but once that numb feeling started to persist, I think I began wandering and daydreaming. The fact that I haven't truly connected to a church body this semester hasn't help much at all either. I've been distanced from the community of Christ that I so love and I began hurting.
I hate where I am right now. I hate being a hypocrite. I hate that I don't feel God's hand in mine. I hate that I have been such a willing sinner and insulting the spirit of grace. I hate that I've allowed Satan to sidetrack me and push me to a place where I feel hidden from God.
I want to come home.
This next journey of my life is going to pose more strains on my walk with God because of the makeup of Argentina, and it being a country where Christianity is rarely practiced. I want and need to serve as a beacon of light when I am down there, and as I sit here today, I am terrified that I will only fall further than where I am now.
If you happen to stumble upon this blog, can I ask you to pray for me? Pray that I would return my gaze towards Jesus' face and that I would walk confidently in the path of righteousness that he has prepared. Pray that I would look sin in the face only to shun it and that I would grasp the hand of my Heavenly father. Pray that I would have the strength to stand apart as a Christian in a dark place and that I would not conform to the patterns of the world any longer. Pray for a renewal of life in Christ.
I beg for Christ's mercy on my failings and I rejoice in the grace he gives relentlessly. I pray that I would stop taking advantage of such a gift and start living in the way I know to be true. Jesus, I'm sorry for pushing you aside. Help the desires that You've placed within my heart to be reflected in my daily actions. As your daughter, I long to make you proud and I'm sorry for the pain I've been putting you through.
I'm lacing up my running shoes today and I'm ready to begin training again. I realize it'll take some time to get back into the rhythm of it all, but I have a glimpse of just how worth it it all is and I'm ready to get back in the game.
Welcome to my life for the past two or so months. And even though this Tennessee weather has only recently dipped in to winter weather, I gave up running earlier this season just because I was tired of putting in all that effort. I think it goes without saying that my body is paying the consequences now and I fear it is only going to get worse as the holidays draw nearer.
Many of us are familiar with the Christian life being compared to a race. Paul mentions it a few times in his writings. He encourages us to keep running and to press on towards the finish line; the finish line being united with Christ. I've really slowed my pace in this race, and I am ashamed of where I am right now because I know I've taken my eyes off of the coming prize to linger in the moments here just a while longer.
I think I've begun questioning the way things are done a lot more this semester than I have before. I've become so focused with escaping the rules that people assume to be true of Christianity that I haven't done a good job of living how I think Christians should live. I guess you can say I've become rebellious, but a cautious rebel at that.
I seem to have lost all feeling. A few months ago I was really frustrated because I felt that I was doing everything I should be doing as a Christian, and wanting to pursue a relationship with Christ, but I wasn't feeling anything in return. Now I know God never left me and that I also shouldn't base our relationship on feelings, but once that numb feeling started to persist, I think I began wandering and daydreaming. The fact that I haven't truly connected to a church body this semester hasn't help much at all either. I've been distanced from the community of Christ that I so love and I began hurting.
I hate where I am right now. I hate being a hypocrite. I hate that I don't feel God's hand in mine. I hate that I have been such a willing sinner and insulting the spirit of grace. I hate that I've allowed Satan to sidetrack me and push me to a place where I feel hidden from God.
I want to come home.
This next journey of my life is going to pose more strains on my walk with God because of the makeup of Argentina, and it being a country where Christianity is rarely practiced. I want and need to serve as a beacon of light when I am down there, and as I sit here today, I am terrified that I will only fall further than where I am now.
If you happen to stumble upon this blog, can I ask you to pray for me? Pray that I would return my gaze towards Jesus' face and that I would walk confidently in the path of righteousness that he has prepared. Pray that I would look sin in the face only to shun it and that I would grasp the hand of my Heavenly father. Pray that I would have the strength to stand apart as a Christian in a dark place and that I would not conform to the patterns of the world any longer. Pray for a renewal of life in Christ.
I beg for Christ's mercy on my failings and I rejoice in the grace he gives relentlessly. I pray that I would stop taking advantage of such a gift and start living in the way I know to be true. Jesus, I'm sorry for pushing you aside. Help the desires that You've placed within my heart to be reflected in my daily actions. As your daughter, I long to make you proud and I'm sorry for the pain I've been putting you through.
I'm lacing up my running shoes today and I'm ready to begin training again. I realize it'll take some time to get back into the rhythm of it all, but I have a glimpse of just how worth it it all is and I'm ready to get back in the game.
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
The Dancer
Exodus 25 describes the temple God asked to be built. The detail that went in to each and every article within the temple is incredible. And it makes you think, if you God designed a temple with such ornateness and we, our bodies, are the temples of God, then how much detail did he put in to us? Incredible!
One of the challenges with todays advent reading was to think about the decorations that are put up in houses around Christmas time. My mom does a wonderful job of decorating our house, making it such a warm and inviting place to be in. My favorite part of the decorating is putting up the lights on the outside of the house (but only colored lights, the white ones are just too boring!). No one every decorates their house with random objects; they all mean something to the owner. I think our decorations aim at the splendor of God's creative works. I think our ornaments serve as a remembrance of the life God has blessed us with and experiences we have shared and gone through. I pray that as I continue to grow and mature that I would continue to think of decorations in such a way, seeing past their supposed potential materialistic worth.
Another discussion point in the advent reading today was to create an ornament or decoration that represents how I feel about my relationship with God this year. I think if I were to create an ornament, it would be of a pair of ballet dancers. The ballerina would be twirling and having one hand in the air being held by her partner as she twirls (I don't know the male term for ballerina). It's cliche to say that life's a dance, but I'm going to use it anyway. I think my relationship with Jesus this year has been a dance. At times it has been extremely intimate, and we've danced closely. There have been other moments when I go out for more of a solo move, and other times where we are dancing together, but not necessarily in the most intimate way. Regardless of where I've been in my dance routine this year, I always spin back to God. I'm becoming more independent, and trying out new things, but I always look back to find God to take up our dance together again. I think the most beautiful dance routines are when the man and woman hold each other so intimately, and rightly so, these are the most beautiful times I share with God. Unfortunately, I'm very prone to wandering, but I don't usually wander off too far. I know where my love is, and in the end, it's always better to dance in the safety of His arms.
One of the challenges with todays advent reading was to think about the decorations that are put up in houses around Christmas time. My mom does a wonderful job of decorating our house, making it such a warm and inviting place to be in. My favorite part of the decorating is putting up the lights on the outside of the house (but only colored lights, the white ones are just too boring!). No one every decorates their house with random objects; they all mean something to the owner. I think our decorations aim at the splendor of God's creative works. I think our ornaments serve as a remembrance of the life God has blessed us with and experiences we have shared and gone through. I pray that as I continue to grow and mature that I would continue to think of decorations in such a way, seeing past their supposed potential materialistic worth.
Another discussion point in the advent reading today was to create an ornament or decoration that represents how I feel about my relationship with God this year. I think if I were to create an ornament, it would be of a pair of ballet dancers. The ballerina would be twirling and having one hand in the air being held by her partner as she twirls (I don't know the male term for ballerina). It's cliche to say that life's a dance, but I'm going to use it anyway. I think my relationship with Jesus this year has been a dance. At times it has been extremely intimate, and we've danced closely. There have been other moments when I go out for more of a solo move, and other times where we are dancing together, but not necessarily in the most intimate way. Regardless of where I've been in my dance routine this year, I always spin back to God. I'm becoming more independent, and trying out new things, but I always look back to find God to take up our dance together again. I think the most beautiful dance routines are when the man and woman hold each other so intimately, and rightly so, these are the most beautiful times I share with God. Unfortunately, I'm very prone to wandering, but I don't usually wander off too far. I know where my love is, and in the end, it's always better to dance in the safety of His arms.
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