I read something the other day pointing out the fact that we really don't remember much of our lives. Think about it, I bet you couldn't give me a detailed account of your life three days ago. I surely couldn't. This phenomenon makes me believe that the moments that we do remember have got to have some sort of significance.
Childhood was a magical period, filled with limitless dreams that floated around in my head day after day. I wish I could remember more of that time, I wish I would have written down something of my daily life. I was interested in writing back then, but not enough to realize I would one day want my childhood thoughts back.
God has recently revealed a little of the career path He has in store for me, but how I'm going to get there is still a complete mystery for me. But honestly, I'm just happy to have some sort of direction. However, thinking about all of this has conjured up a conversation I once had when I was a little girl.
I remember playing on the swing set my Dad had built (with the help of our friendly neighbor), along with my brother and and one of our neighborhood friends. We had most likely just finished a game of seeing who could jump the furthest off the swing set, when I blurted out that when I grew up, I wanted to be a pioneer.
Now, maybe my head was a bit consumed with frequent playing of Oregon Trail, but the thought of being a pioneer intrigued me. I realized that I wouldn't be settling any land, but doing something that no one had ever done before and being able to put my name on it as being "first" was truly fascinating.
I don't know why this memory has been brought forth again, but I don't doubt God has purposely placed it there. That childhood pioneer ambition is still alive (although I don't think I would use the term "pioneer" now). I want to do things no one has done before, and I'm beginning to see my opportunity. Like I said, I don't know how I will get there, but I don't think the early pioneers ever had a clue as to how to get to where they were going anyway. But, this part excites me.
It is a curious thing, to live life blindly, and there are stops along the way that cause you to question just how you got there. But the opportunity to reflect on the steps that brought you to the present are so rewarding. It shows God's character in a light that can really only be understood in looking backwards. If you think about it, it's truly humbling. You realize that the moments that previously made absolutely no sense had been perfectly orchestrated. These are the times that I realize I need to seek forgiveness from God for getting angry with him when it seemed like nothing was working out. But it was, just not in the way I thought it should.
That moment on the swing-set has given me confirmation to where I am right now. Those thoughts I had when I was younger were not just crazy thoughts (at least not all of them), but they marked the beginnings of the road I would travel down and will serve as confirmation as I continue to walk forward.
We acknowledge that God writes our stories, but we never understand them until we read them in reverse.
Wednesday, July 20, 2011
Thursday, July 14, 2011
Current Thoughts on Marriage
For the first time in my life, I feel completely ok with the thought that I may never get married. Most certainly not for a while (well, maybe I shouldn't say "most certainly," because God has a funny way of doing whatever he wants when you least expect it to happen).
Go ahead, gasp.
But now hear me out.
I think the world leads us to believe that marriage is the highest peak of the mountain, and that most of our striving is to reach that peak...to find "the one." Yes, marriage is a beautiful gift, but it is not the end all, be all.
How much energy have I spent thinking about boys, pursuing their admiration, and daydreaming about my future life when I should have been focusing on Christ and what He is calling me to do. Each one of us have been birthed with and by intention for God's kingdom. He has plans for us that will benefit his coming kingdom, and gives us a life most satisfying. And yet, I've ignored this truth time and time again.
Far too often, especially for my age group (as now is the time for the "first train" of marriage to go through), do we look to marriage for security. The fear of being alone drives so many of our lives, that we forget the Father's promise that we are never alone.
I fear that too many people throw in the towel on these dreams God has intentionally placed in each one of us, only to settle for potential security with another being. Now, I'm not hating on marriage because for many, God has given them that gift. I'm just realizing that it is ok to NOT be married, as per the road that God leads each of us down.
So for now, I have been given too much of an adventurous spirit to compromise or push open a door that has not yet presented itself. I have a desire to explore the world for all that it is, and to be able to go whenever I want is a gift I cherish.
Perhaps marriage is in my future, and I'll embrace that with arms wide open when it comes. But I won't make that my sole focus in living, or I'll cease to live at all.
Go ahead, gasp.
But now hear me out.
I think the world leads us to believe that marriage is the highest peak of the mountain, and that most of our striving is to reach that peak...to find "the one." Yes, marriage is a beautiful gift, but it is not the end all, be all.
How much energy have I spent thinking about boys, pursuing their admiration, and daydreaming about my future life when I should have been focusing on Christ and what He is calling me to do. Each one of us have been birthed with and by intention for God's kingdom. He has plans for us that will benefit his coming kingdom, and gives us a life most satisfying. And yet, I've ignored this truth time and time again.
Far too often, especially for my age group (as now is the time for the "first train" of marriage to go through), do we look to marriage for security. The fear of being alone drives so many of our lives, that we forget the Father's promise that we are never alone.
I fear that too many people throw in the towel on these dreams God has intentionally placed in each one of us, only to settle for potential security with another being. Now, I'm not hating on marriage because for many, God has given them that gift. I'm just realizing that it is ok to NOT be married, as per the road that God leads each of us down.
So for now, I have been given too much of an adventurous spirit to compromise or push open a door that has not yet presented itself. I have a desire to explore the world for all that it is, and to be able to go whenever I want is a gift I cherish.
Perhaps marriage is in my future, and I'll embrace that with arms wide open when it comes. But I won't make that my sole focus in living, or I'll cease to live at all.
Saturday, July 9, 2011
Lessons Learned from 127 Hours
I'm not one for emotions, or at least I wasn't. As I wrote in my previous entry, I've begun weeping at the strangest moments, and I add the film 127 Hours to that list. Yeah yeah, most girls cry during movies about weddings or tragic love losses, but tears don't usually fall during tales of epic survival. But alas, they did... both times I watched it.
James Franco portrays Aron Ralston, a man that thrived off of independent adventure. He was the type of guy who found great satisfaction out of getting himself into the craziest of situations and getting himself out of these crazy situations without interacting with a single other person. The thrill of self-success drove him, and consequently, nearly cost him his life.
When Aron left home early that morning, he hadn't told anyone where he was going. And why would he? He was able to successfully smooth over any bumps in the road that previously shown themselves. It's so easy to get a high from independent success; the triumph leaves you hungry to test the limits of one's abilities, much like the kid who likes to see how far he can push his parents' rules before getting put in time out. I know; I'm guilty of it far too often, but I'm learning that that high cannot and will not satisfy.
God created each person with unique capabilities, but no one can do everything. This is why community is so crucial. Just as God created us with these unique capabilities, he didn't give us everything so that we would have to rely on other people...to rely on God. Sure, we've all heard this sermon before, but there are far too many of us who are still addicted to self-achievement. We rise and we rise to a point where we think the peak of the dream is. The view from the top shows the building blocks of accomplishment, and for a while the feeling is incredible. But then it gets quiet, and eventually you'll find yourself alone and quite possibly, stuck between a rock and a hard place.*
In the solitary moments Aron spent trapped in the cave, he flashes back on all the moments he denied community's invitation. He revisits each moment that could have prevented him from being trapped there in the first place and he begins to feel incredibly sorry. If only he had returned his mother's phone call. If only he had let his friend at the surplus/map store in on his adventure. If only he had continued hiking with the girls he met right before his near fatal jump.
Aron may have had the survival skills and determination (and undoubtedly God's miraculous hand) to free himself from the rock, but he was still stranded in the canyon. Cutting his arm off was not the end of story, there was still another journey to take, and this one he could not do alone.
Emerging from the cave, it was obvious that Aron was not going to make it very far if he did not get immediate assistance. Dehydrated and delirious, Aron was able to spot a family walking a fairly short distance in front of him. If Aron wanted to survive, he was going to have to call out and ask for help. He could not rely on himself.
And this is the moment I cried. As I watched Aron cry out for help, tears streamed down my face. It was a moment so incredibly humbling; one that finally embraced community and the strengths of others.
I can't get over this beautiful moment and it is something I want and need to remember. I'm not shunning independence, that too is a beautiful gift. But we must find the balance between independence and community. I pray that we would learn to embrace who God created us to be individually, embrace the unique qualities and abilities of those around us, and how we are meant to live in community with one another so that then we can fully rejoice in the beauty of life.
*Stuck Between a Rock and a Hard Place is a novel written by Aron Ralston.
James Franco portrays Aron Ralston, a man that thrived off of independent adventure. He was the type of guy who found great satisfaction out of getting himself into the craziest of situations and getting himself out of these crazy situations without interacting with a single other person. The thrill of self-success drove him, and consequently, nearly cost him his life.
When Aron left home early that morning, he hadn't told anyone where he was going. And why would he? He was able to successfully smooth over any bumps in the road that previously shown themselves. It's so easy to get a high from independent success; the triumph leaves you hungry to test the limits of one's abilities, much like the kid who likes to see how far he can push his parents' rules before getting put in time out. I know; I'm guilty of it far too often, but I'm learning that that high cannot and will not satisfy.
God created each person with unique capabilities, but no one can do everything. This is why community is so crucial. Just as God created us with these unique capabilities, he didn't give us everything so that we would have to rely on other people...to rely on God. Sure, we've all heard this sermon before, but there are far too many of us who are still addicted to self-achievement. We rise and we rise to a point where we think the peak of the dream is. The view from the top shows the building blocks of accomplishment, and for a while the feeling is incredible. But then it gets quiet, and eventually you'll find yourself alone and quite possibly, stuck between a rock and a hard place.*
In the solitary moments Aron spent trapped in the cave, he flashes back on all the moments he denied community's invitation. He revisits each moment that could have prevented him from being trapped there in the first place and he begins to feel incredibly sorry. If only he had returned his mother's phone call. If only he had let his friend at the surplus/map store in on his adventure. If only he had continued hiking with the girls he met right before his near fatal jump.
Aron may have had the survival skills and determination (and undoubtedly God's miraculous hand) to free himself from the rock, but he was still stranded in the canyon. Cutting his arm off was not the end of story, there was still another journey to take, and this one he could not do alone.
Emerging from the cave, it was obvious that Aron was not going to make it very far if he did not get immediate assistance. Dehydrated and delirious, Aron was able to spot a family walking a fairly short distance in front of him. If Aron wanted to survive, he was going to have to call out and ask for help. He could not rely on himself.
And this is the moment I cried. As I watched Aron cry out for help, tears streamed down my face. It was a moment so incredibly humbling; one that finally embraced community and the strengths of others.
I can't get over this beautiful moment and it is something I want and need to remember. I'm not shunning independence, that too is a beautiful gift. But we must find the balance between independence and community. I pray that we would learn to embrace who God created us to be individually, embrace the unique qualities and abilities of those around us, and how we are meant to live in community with one another so that then we can fully rejoice in the beauty of life.
*Stuck Between a Rock and a Hard Place is a novel written by Aron Ralston.
Friday, July 1, 2011
Its Been Awhile...
There are some moments in life that leave you wishing you could press pause and stay there until you've memorized everything about that scene. Those are the beautiful moments that make your heart swell with gratitude for the life God has blessed you with and the people that he has surrounded you with.
For me, last night was one of those moments. A small group of us were hanging out at a friends house enjoying some Argentine wine and fresh fruit, accompanied by the Ray Lamontagne Pandora radio station- the scene was just absolutely perfect. The music, the company, the food, the lighting...everything. There was no agenda; no homework to get done, no meetings to attend. Nothing. Just the simple pleasure of enjoying one another's company.
I realized that this will be one of those moments that I'll look back on years from now and just smile at the perfectness of it all. But thinking about being able to look back on this moment got me thinking about the future and what it potentially holds.
My friends are so talented, and I am so excited to see where life is going to have each one of us in 10 years, heck...in 5 years. One will go on to be a writer, one an actor, one a photographer, another a physical therapist, a PR professional, a recording artist. We each have these God given dreams and talents that are on the brink of being unleashed on the world and I am so excited to watch it pan out. For the little successes and big triumphs, for bumps in the road and the unsuspected corners. It all excites me.
Maybe I'm beginning to realize that I am a senior in college and that time keeps pushing me forward through the doorway of the real world. My senses are coming alive to everything now. I found myself tearing up reading through Father's Day cards at Hallmark the other day, and again after reading a resignation letter from a former teacher. I am able to stay and enjoy the company of those who surround me without rushing off to another appointment. I know I'm changing, and I welcome it with a warm embrace.
Life is beautiful, and I thank my Creator for the gifts he is bestowing in my life and in the lives of those around me.
For me, last night was one of those moments. A small group of us were hanging out at a friends house enjoying some Argentine wine and fresh fruit, accompanied by the Ray Lamontagne Pandora radio station- the scene was just absolutely perfect. The music, the company, the food, the lighting...everything. There was no agenda; no homework to get done, no meetings to attend. Nothing. Just the simple pleasure of enjoying one another's company.
I realized that this will be one of those moments that I'll look back on years from now and just smile at the perfectness of it all. But thinking about being able to look back on this moment got me thinking about the future and what it potentially holds.
My friends are so talented, and I am so excited to see where life is going to have each one of us in 10 years, heck...in 5 years. One will go on to be a writer, one an actor, one a photographer, another a physical therapist, a PR professional, a recording artist. We each have these God given dreams and talents that are on the brink of being unleashed on the world and I am so excited to watch it pan out. For the little successes and big triumphs, for bumps in the road and the unsuspected corners. It all excites me.
Maybe I'm beginning to realize that I am a senior in college and that time keeps pushing me forward through the doorway of the real world. My senses are coming alive to everything now. I found myself tearing up reading through Father's Day cards at Hallmark the other day, and again after reading a resignation letter from a former teacher. I am able to stay and enjoy the company of those who surround me without rushing off to another appointment. I know I'm changing, and I welcome it with a warm embrace.
Life is beautiful, and I thank my Creator for the gifts he is bestowing in my life and in the lives of those around me.
Friday, May 6, 2011
Desanitizing the Cross
When we visualize the cross, we far too often see it as simply a piece of jewelry to adorn our necks. We put it on in the morning because it dresses up our outfit, but then we forget what that emblem means, or that we're even wearing it. The cross was never meant to be a dainty ornament. The TV ads selling 24k gold crosses or crosses made of all crystals really make me angry, and I refuse to buy in to that. They make Jesus' sacrifice seem so intangible to anyone outside of the upper tier of wealth and it takes away from the struggle of it all. Yes, what happened on the cross was the most beautiful gift man could ever receive, but the process itself was the dirtiest. We focus on the aftermath, we focus on the happy ending that we wish to partake in. Yet, I'm finding that by merely focusing on that happy ending, we take for granted the road leading up to it and we forget about the fight that we are still in. We forget there is work to be done here, in our time on earth.
I want to visualize the cross more as the bloody mess that it was. In doing so, I believe I will be able to understand God's love for me that much more and it will cause me to live my life a great deal different than visualizing it as a piece of clean silver. I need to remember the struggle Jesus had in carrying the cross, to think of how heavy it must have been on his shoulders so that I may fully appreciate him carrying my sins. I need to remember the mockery he faced and the strength he had to endure it, never backing down or denying his identity. May that be the strength to encourage me in my walk. I pray I remember the pain of being brutally beaten and then nailed to the cross. But Jesus carried on because his love was so great, and he knew that that pain was only temporary and how shortly, he would be building the kingdom for his believers to join him in.
The gift of salvation was not acquired easily, so may I not forget the journey. May I not be content to just wearing a cross around my neck, where I can so easily forget about its existence. Instead, may I keep the image of the bloody cross in front of me. To keep the sacrifice forever fresh in my mind so that my actions would echo what I choose to believe. Realizing the brutality of it all makes Jesus' love that much sweeter to me, and it becomes so much more than a Sunday morning thought. It takes over the meaning of my existence and my mission in this world.
"Keep the crucified Jesus in clear focus in your life." Galatians 3:1 MSG
I want to visualize the cross more as the bloody mess that it was. In doing so, I believe I will be able to understand God's love for me that much more and it will cause me to live my life a great deal different than visualizing it as a piece of clean silver. I need to remember the struggle Jesus had in carrying the cross, to think of how heavy it must have been on his shoulders so that I may fully appreciate him carrying my sins. I need to remember the mockery he faced and the strength he had to endure it, never backing down or denying his identity. May that be the strength to encourage me in my walk. I pray I remember the pain of being brutally beaten and then nailed to the cross. But Jesus carried on because his love was so great, and he knew that that pain was only temporary and how shortly, he would be building the kingdom for his believers to join him in.
The gift of salvation was not acquired easily, so may I not forget the journey. May I not be content to just wearing a cross around my neck, where I can so easily forget about its existence. Instead, may I keep the image of the bloody cross in front of me. To keep the sacrifice forever fresh in my mind so that my actions would echo what I choose to believe. Realizing the brutality of it all makes Jesus' love that much sweeter to me, and it becomes so much more than a Sunday morning thought. It takes over the meaning of my existence and my mission in this world.
"Keep the crucified Jesus in clear focus in your life." Galatians 3:1 MSG
Friday, April 8, 2011
A Moment of Truth
Right now, walking forward feels a lot like taking one baby step forward and 3 giant leaps backwards. I came in to this study abroad experience knowing it would be a challenge, but I don't know that I fully equipped and prepared myself for it. My calling and what my heart's desire to do is to carry God's light to those dark places. To be a vessel pointing others in the direction of Christ. I know my calling, but my execution would not lead one to think others to think so. When it is just me and God, I am completely sure of the plan of action. But in the company of my new friends here, I am realizing how weak my flesh is. I set my armor down in order to satisfy my current desires; my desires to belong to a group of friends, to be liked, to be found attractive. I know these are worldly wants, I know these are temporary and there is no lasting joy in their fulfillment. I am filled with deep regret for giving in so easily to these temptations, and I find myself almost angry at God for letting me partake in sin, and the repeated sin, time and time again.
But God is not a dictator. He will not force me, or you, to do anything. He offers His love, His love that satisfies so completely, yet leaves the offer on the table for us to take or leave. Of course He yearns for us to take it, for God is a relational God and desires to be in community with us, the people He has created. But he refuses to force any of us to take it, for that is not true love. We must equally desire to love Him, we must desire to live for Him.
I made a decision many years ago to accept God's love because I believe in the way and the truth that He is. But I am really struggling right now to maintain walking on this path to righteousness. I keep getting distracted, and I wander off. I keep acknowledging sin and allowing myself to partake in what I know I should not. I am letting my earthly desires rule in front of Christ.
I do not wish to take advantage of God's grace and mercy, but thats what I feel I am doing. My weak flesh is crying for the strength of my Savior. The strength that I find in my intimate moments with Christ is what I need to be present in every other moment.
But what it all comes down to is me actively choosing to take on the strength Christ offers. This is the battle that I am in, the one that God has promised would not be easy. But I must remember that the victory is already His and I have a part of that. I still must fight. I refuse to simply acknowledge who He is with my heart, but deny his greatness in front of the world. I can talk about how I have no Christian community here and say that is the reason I feel so weak, but the reality is, Christ is with me all the time. All the time. It really shouldn't matter who I am surrounded by, and I cannot maintain that excuse. Friends, please pray for me in this battle I am facing. Please pray for strength, unwavering strength, and that I would grip Christ's hand so that nothing can separate us.
I have chosen to live for Christ and accept His love. I curse these earthly desires that lurk around every corner. I am strong because Christ has given me His strength, and this is what I must continue to stand on.
Father, I know my decisions are causing you great pain right now. This is not what I ant. I want to bring you joy, I ant to do the things you want me to because I know that your way is so much better. But how easy I forget this! God, I am so sorry. Please, forgive my flesh for being so weak, teach me to use your strenght, and to use it daily. Teach me to walk away from sin, to say no and to really remember that you are greater. You are greater. You are greater. It is one thing to confess all this in my heart, but the true test comes in living this out. May my actions portray what I confess in my heart. May I not lead others astray, but show them that You are the only way, the only light, and the only life. This is what I believe. I stand here now, begging for Satan's troops to leave me alone. I am a part of the Lord's army, and I will not betray. Oh God, please be so much bigger than I am allowing you to be. Father, I ask for strength to conquer this. The strength to say no and to be ok with that answer. Oh God, be so much bigger. Be so much bigger. Father, forgive me. Show my feet where the right path is. Show me where you are. My spirit is mourning for the moments I have lost. Please, have mercy on me, although I deserve none. Teach me to walk once more.
But God is not a dictator. He will not force me, or you, to do anything. He offers His love, His love that satisfies so completely, yet leaves the offer on the table for us to take or leave. Of course He yearns for us to take it, for God is a relational God and desires to be in community with us, the people He has created. But he refuses to force any of us to take it, for that is not true love. We must equally desire to love Him, we must desire to live for Him.
I made a decision many years ago to accept God's love because I believe in the way and the truth that He is. But I am really struggling right now to maintain walking on this path to righteousness. I keep getting distracted, and I wander off. I keep acknowledging sin and allowing myself to partake in what I know I should not. I am letting my earthly desires rule in front of Christ.
I do not wish to take advantage of God's grace and mercy, but thats what I feel I am doing. My weak flesh is crying for the strength of my Savior. The strength that I find in my intimate moments with Christ is what I need to be present in every other moment.
But what it all comes down to is me actively choosing to take on the strength Christ offers. This is the battle that I am in, the one that God has promised would not be easy. But I must remember that the victory is already His and I have a part of that. I still must fight. I refuse to simply acknowledge who He is with my heart, but deny his greatness in front of the world. I can talk about how I have no Christian community here and say that is the reason I feel so weak, but the reality is, Christ is with me all the time. All the time. It really shouldn't matter who I am surrounded by, and I cannot maintain that excuse. Friends, please pray for me in this battle I am facing. Please pray for strength, unwavering strength, and that I would grip Christ's hand so that nothing can separate us.
I have chosen to live for Christ and accept His love. I curse these earthly desires that lurk around every corner. I am strong because Christ has given me His strength, and this is what I must continue to stand on.
Father, I know my decisions are causing you great pain right now. This is not what I ant. I want to bring you joy, I ant to do the things you want me to because I know that your way is so much better. But how easy I forget this! God, I am so sorry. Please, forgive my flesh for being so weak, teach me to use your strenght, and to use it daily. Teach me to walk away from sin, to say no and to really remember that you are greater. You are greater. You are greater. It is one thing to confess all this in my heart, but the true test comes in living this out. May my actions portray what I confess in my heart. May I not lead others astray, but show them that You are the only way, the only light, and the only life. This is what I believe. I stand here now, begging for Satan's troops to leave me alone. I am a part of the Lord's army, and I will not betray. Oh God, please be so much bigger than I am allowing you to be. Father, I ask for strength to conquer this. The strength to say no and to be ok with that answer. Oh God, be so much bigger. Be so much bigger. Father, forgive me. Show my feet where the right path is. Show me where you are. My spirit is mourning for the moments I have lost. Please, have mercy on me, although I deserve none. Teach me to walk once more.
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
Seasons
"I have become all things to all men..." 1 Corinthians 9:22
I can't help but feel drawn to this verse. I wake up every morning, tossing it around in my mind simply trying my best to understand it and apply it to my life. What Paul was given to write has really struck a chord deep within my soul, and in these moments where I feel besides myself, there is no greater comfort than Truth.
A tree's roots descend far below the surface, and extend further than those standing on the outside really know. Giving the tree humanistic qualities, only it can know the miles stretched by it's roots- what they come in contact with, the areas that have directed its roots in one direction or another. All of this lives deep beneath the surface of what is shared with the world, and as long as the tree is receiving the necessary nutrients, it will continue to grow and, well... branch out.
Above the surface, we can see a tall, sturdy tree adorned with leaves, and of course the little birds that make the tree it's home. But lets focus on the leaves. The leaves look different from season to season, depending on which end of the season spectrum we're in. But the point I'm trying to get at is that the leaves change based on the circumstances, based on the season.
The leaves change, the roots stay the same.
I think there's a lot to learn from this picture/analogy God has given me, and I'm still sorting through it all. A tree does what it has to do to outwardly fit in to it's surroundings, meanwhile, what goes on beneath continues growing. I guess this is how I can best describe where I'm at right now.
I am firmly rooted in Christ and nothing can sway me of that, of this I am sure. However, as Paul writes, I must become all things to all men. Now, I don't believe this to mean that it's ok to engage in deliberate sinful activities simply because thats what the rest of Rome is doing. Rather, I think it's saying to follow suit with those around you, as long as it is not compromising your roots.
Maybe a personal example will help.
Buenos Aires is very much a party culture, and the very opposite of what I'm used to. However, I would be wasting too many opportunities should I choose to stick to how I'm used to things and stay home. I would be missing opportunities to speak with so many different people and engaging in friendships that otherwise wouldn't exist. I would be ignoring Christ's call on my life. So, I have to adapt to my surroundings. I'm not adapting my roots, I'm only changing my leaves to fit the season.
Regardless of the color of a tree's leaves, you can (almost) always tell what family of trees it belongs to. The genetic make up shines through. Regardless of the seasonal appearance of my leaves, it is my deepest hope and prayer that my identity in Christ is evident.
Who knows where I will be in the coming months, who knows what type of season it will be. As my journeys continue, my roots will continue to form and grow stronger. I allow my leaves to change for the good and the sake of those around me in efforts to become all things to all men for the good of God's kingdom.
I'm not adapting my roots, I'm only changing my leaves to fit the season.
I can't help but feel drawn to this verse. I wake up every morning, tossing it around in my mind simply trying my best to understand it and apply it to my life. What Paul was given to write has really struck a chord deep within my soul, and in these moments where I feel besides myself, there is no greater comfort than Truth.
A tree's roots descend far below the surface, and extend further than those standing on the outside really know. Giving the tree humanistic qualities, only it can know the miles stretched by it's roots- what they come in contact with, the areas that have directed its roots in one direction or another. All of this lives deep beneath the surface of what is shared with the world, and as long as the tree is receiving the necessary nutrients, it will continue to grow and, well... branch out.
Above the surface, we can see a tall, sturdy tree adorned with leaves, and of course the little birds that make the tree it's home. But lets focus on the leaves. The leaves look different from season to season, depending on which end of the season spectrum we're in. But the point I'm trying to get at is that the leaves change based on the circumstances, based on the season.
The leaves change, the roots stay the same.
I think there's a lot to learn from this picture/analogy God has given me, and I'm still sorting through it all. A tree does what it has to do to outwardly fit in to it's surroundings, meanwhile, what goes on beneath continues growing. I guess this is how I can best describe where I'm at right now.
I am firmly rooted in Christ and nothing can sway me of that, of this I am sure. However, as Paul writes, I must become all things to all men. Now, I don't believe this to mean that it's ok to engage in deliberate sinful activities simply because thats what the rest of Rome is doing. Rather, I think it's saying to follow suit with those around you, as long as it is not compromising your roots.
Maybe a personal example will help.
Buenos Aires is very much a party culture, and the very opposite of what I'm used to. However, I would be wasting too many opportunities should I choose to stick to how I'm used to things and stay home. I would be missing opportunities to speak with so many different people and engaging in friendships that otherwise wouldn't exist. I would be ignoring Christ's call on my life. So, I have to adapt to my surroundings. I'm not adapting my roots, I'm only changing my leaves to fit the season.
Regardless of the color of a tree's leaves, you can (almost) always tell what family of trees it belongs to. The genetic make up shines through. Regardless of the seasonal appearance of my leaves, it is my deepest hope and prayer that my identity in Christ is evident.
Who knows where I will be in the coming months, who knows what type of season it will be. As my journeys continue, my roots will continue to form and grow stronger. I allow my leaves to change for the good and the sake of those around me in efforts to become all things to all men for the good of God's kingdom.
I'm not adapting my roots, I'm only changing my leaves to fit the season.
Monday, January 24, 2011
Growing Alone
I feel as though I've been cheating on this blog page- in the past month, I've started another blog to cater more directly to my travel adventures in Argentina. But I allow myself to go a little deeper on these pages, and I think thats what I need right now.
I have never felt so alone in my life.
Here I am, thousands of miles away from home, in a place that is completely opposite of who I am and yet- this place is exactly what I've prayed about and desired. If you know me, I talk a lot about wanting to live outside of the Christian bubble, but I never feel as though I've actually fulfilled that desire. There have been times where I stick one foot outside of the bubble, sometimes my entire body, but I'm quick to go back inside. I know the truth that lives inside of that bubble, and I'm scared that if I step outside of it, I won't thrive.
But what I can't get out of my head is the way Jesus lived his life. He was everywhere people said he shouldn't be. He went against tradition time and time again, and encouraged and taught his disciples to do the same thing. Jesus didn't have a closed circle of "Christian" friends. Jesus loved everyone at every moment of their lives. He didn't wait for them to come to him, he walked boldly towards them.
One thing I'm learning is that remaining inside the Christian bubble only benefits me. It only encourages my personal growth and walk with Christ- a very selfish concept. Following Christ is largely about community, and living life together with everyone. Everyone. Not just those who believe, like I do, that Jesus is God's one and only son- but everyone. And while I myself would be better off surrounding myself with active Christians, I'd be missing the point of following Christ completely. In fact, I think I would have to renounce my Christian title. It's dangerous stepping outside of this safe bubble and in to the Enemy's playground, temptation is everywhere and I am guaranteed to slip up and fail from time to time. But I'd rather work towards advancing Christ's kingdom and take a toll on my own personal walk than remain selfishly in the safety of this community I have so long hidden behind.
I'm not sure that I've run in to a single Christian in Buenos Aires as of yet. But I like that. Its forcing me to really learn how to love people where they're at. It forces me to throw off any and all judgements that I could hold. It forces me to be more confident in what I believe and how I live it.
But even though I'm learning much, and I'm excited to see the growth that comes out of this season, it can still get lonely. For having never been in such a position on my own, I crave a community much more tangible than everyone at home is right now.
I'm learning to live as Jesus did and I'm beginning to understand a small piece of how difficult it was. In these moments when I feel desperately alone, I cling to the One who has been there and done that many times before me. I know my God is greater than my circumstances, and I know that he will never leave me. This, I know, has been promised.
I have never felt so alone in my life.
Here I am, thousands of miles away from home, in a place that is completely opposite of who I am and yet- this place is exactly what I've prayed about and desired. If you know me, I talk a lot about wanting to live outside of the Christian bubble, but I never feel as though I've actually fulfilled that desire. There have been times where I stick one foot outside of the bubble, sometimes my entire body, but I'm quick to go back inside. I know the truth that lives inside of that bubble, and I'm scared that if I step outside of it, I won't thrive.
But what I can't get out of my head is the way Jesus lived his life. He was everywhere people said he shouldn't be. He went against tradition time and time again, and encouraged and taught his disciples to do the same thing. Jesus didn't have a closed circle of "Christian" friends. Jesus loved everyone at every moment of their lives. He didn't wait for them to come to him, he walked boldly towards them.
One thing I'm learning is that remaining inside the Christian bubble only benefits me. It only encourages my personal growth and walk with Christ- a very selfish concept. Following Christ is largely about community, and living life together with everyone. Everyone. Not just those who believe, like I do, that Jesus is God's one and only son- but everyone. And while I myself would be better off surrounding myself with active Christians, I'd be missing the point of following Christ completely. In fact, I think I would have to renounce my Christian title. It's dangerous stepping outside of this safe bubble and in to the Enemy's playground, temptation is everywhere and I am guaranteed to slip up and fail from time to time. But I'd rather work towards advancing Christ's kingdom and take a toll on my own personal walk than remain selfishly in the safety of this community I have so long hidden behind.
I'm not sure that I've run in to a single Christian in Buenos Aires as of yet. But I like that. Its forcing me to really learn how to love people where they're at. It forces me to throw off any and all judgements that I could hold. It forces me to be more confident in what I believe and how I live it.
But even though I'm learning much, and I'm excited to see the growth that comes out of this season, it can still get lonely. For having never been in such a position on my own, I crave a community much more tangible than everyone at home is right now.
I'm learning to live as Jesus did and I'm beginning to understand a small piece of how difficult it was. In these moments when I feel desperately alone, I cling to the One who has been there and done that many times before me. I know my God is greater than my circumstances, and I know that he will never leave me. This, I know, has been promised.
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
Toes on the Line
It has recently occurred to me that I live my life very much in the comfortable middle. I live in the safety zone, the neutral peace area. I live in a place where it's easy to see all the extremes around me, and pretend like I'd enjoy being a part of them, but would really rather stay safe and sound in my own protected area.
It seems as though I shy away from anything to extreme. For example:
I hate spicy foods.
I hate being sweatily hot and I hate shivering cold (thats why Fall is a nice, middle season).
I hate pain on any scale. I shed tears at the doctors office today because I was pricked with a needle.
I hate scary movies and stick strictly to chick flicks, comedies and action films.
I never want to say anything that could possibly offend another party in any way, so many times I don't fully express my thoughts.
See what I mean? The safety zone.
I think there should be a deeper, more philosophical meaning to all of this which is why I'm trying to blog my way through my thoughts. Do I not take enough chances? In all honesty, I probably don't. I think I prefer to watch other people stick their toes over the line than be the one that sets the alarm off. I always admire those that seem to fear nothing, I have a great friend who seems to fear nothing at all. She always tries to go through doors with caution signs reading "alarm will sound." She has a real thirst for living on the edge, and I wish I would push myself over there as well. Deep down, I'm still the little girl in first grade who is terrified of getting in trouble with the teacher. I don't test the waters nearly enough.
I take safe chances, ones with controllable risks. Maybe thats why I like roller coasters so much; I get the thrill of taking a risk without anything really threatening likely to happen. I want to change this. I want to live more dangerously, but I don't want to live so just to say I've been chased by the cops before. I want to live on the edge because I have a reason for doing so. I imagine living on the edge would be something like staring the earth in the face and telling it that it in no way has final say over my life.
I kind of like that idea and I really want to push myself to not be so much of a scaredy-cat. Perhaps by letting go of so many of my petty fears and befriending more of the extremes, I will see and taste the world in more brilliant colors and zesty flavors. I think I will stand in greater awe of God, which I'm desperately searching to do so.
The picture in my mind of what living dangerously and tasting so strongly is an infusion of so many wonderful things that I can't fully piece it together. All I know is that I want to step out there, I want to walk to the edge and but my toes over the line.
Here's to doing dangerous things!
It seems as though I shy away from anything to extreme. For example:
I hate spicy foods.
I hate being sweatily hot and I hate shivering cold (thats why Fall is a nice, middle season).
I hate pain on any scale. I shed tears at the doctors office today because I was pricked with a needle.
I hate scary movies and stick strictly to chick flicks, comedies and action films.
I never want to say anything that could possibly offend another party in any way, so many times I don't fully express my thoughts.
See what I mean? The safety zone.
I think there should be a deeper, more philosophical meaning to all of this which is why I'm trying to blog my way through my thoughts. Do I not take enough chances? In all honesty, I probably don't. I think I prefer to watch other people stick their toes over the line than be the one that sets the alarm off. I always admire those that seem to fear nothing, I have a great friend who seems to fear nothing at all. She always tries to go through doors with caution signs reading "alarm will sound." She has a real thirst for living on the edge, and I wish I would push myself over there as well. Deep down, I'm still the little girl in first grade who is terrified of getting in trouble with the teacher. I don't test the waters nearly enough.
I take safe chances, ones with controllable risks. Maybe thats why I like roller coasters so much; I get the thrill of taking a risk without anything really threatening likely to happen. I want to change this. I want to live more dangerously, but I don't want to live so just to say I've been chased by the cops before. I want to live on the edge because I have a reason for doing so. I imagine living on the edge would be something like staring the earth in the face and telling it that it in no way has final say over my life.
I kind of like that idea and I really want to push myself to not be so much of a scaredy-cat. Perhaps by letting go of so many of my petty fears and befriending more of the extremes, I will see and taste the world in more brilliant colors and zesty flavors. I think I will stand in greater awe of God, which I'm desperately searching to do so.
The picture in my mind of what living dangerously and tasting so strongly is an infusion of so many wonderful things that I can't fully piece it together. All I know is that I want to step out there, I want to walk to the edge and but my toes over the line.
Here's to doing dangerous things!
Monday, December 13, 2010
Running
I used to run and exercise fairly often. After being involved in sports and some sort of athletic activity for a lot of my life, I understood how running made me feel. Even though I didn't always want to take time out of my potentially lazy day, I knew that running was good for me and I felt worlds better about myself upon returning. Running is just more fun when it's a least somewhat warm. As temperatures begin dropping, I become less and less motivated to run, and eventually I go through long periods of time where I don't do anything.
Welcome to my life for the past two or so months. And even though this Tennessee weather has only recently dipped in to winter weather, I gave up running earlier this season just because I was tired of putting in all that effort. I think it goes without saying that my body is paying the consequences now and I fear it is only going to get worse as the holidays draw nearer.
Many of us are familiar with the Christian life being compared to a race. Paul mentions it a few times in his writings. He encourages us to keep running and to press on towards the finish line; the finish line being united with Christ. I've really slowed my pace in this race, and I am ashamed of where I am right now because I know I've taken my eyes off of the coming prize to linger in the moments here just a while longer.
I think I've begun questioning the way things are done a lot more this semester than I have before. I've become so focused with escaping the rules that people assume to be true of Christianity that I haven't done a good job of living how I think Christians should live. I guess you can say I've become rebellious, but a cautious rebel at that.
I seem to have lost all feeling. A few months ago I was really frustrated because I felt that I was doing everything I should be doing as a Christian, and wanting to pursue a relationship with Christ, but I wasn't feeling anything in return. Now I know God never left me and that I also shouldn't base our relationship on feelings, but once that numb feeling started to persist, I think I began wandering and daydreaming. The fact that I haven't truly connected to a church body this semester hasn't help much at all either. I've been distanced from the community of Christ that I so love and I began hurting.
I hate where I am right now. I hate being a hypocrite. I hate that I don't feel God's hand in mine. I hate that I have been such a willing sinner and insulting the spirit of grace. I hate that I've allowed Satan to sidetrack me and push me to a place where I feel hidden from God.
I want to come home.
This next journey of my life is going to pose more strains on my walk with God because of the makeup of Argentina, and it being a country where Christianity is rarely practiced. I want and need to serve as a beacon of light when I am down there, and as I sit here today, I am terrified that I will only fall further than where I am now.
If you happen to stumble upon this blog, can I ask you to pray for me? Pray that I would return my gaze towards Jesus' face and that I would walk confidently in the path of righteousness that he has prepared. Pray that I would look sin in the face only to shun it and that I would grasp the hand of my Heavenly father. Pray that I would have the strength to stand apart as a Christian in a dark place and that I would not conform to the patterns of the world any longer. Pray for a renewal of life in Christ.
I beg for Christ's mercy on my failings and I rejoice in the grace he gives relentlessly. I pray that I would stop taking advantage of such a gift and start living in the way I know to be true. Jesus, I'm sorry for pushing you aside. Help the desires that You've placed within my heart to be reflected in my daily actions. As your daughter, I long to make you proud and I'm sorry for the pain I've been putting you through.
I'm lacing up my running shoes today and I'm ready to begin training again. I realize it'll take some time to get back into the rhythm of it all, but I have a glimpse of just how worth it it all is and I'm ready to get back in the game.
Welcome to my life for the past two or so months. And even though this Tennessee weather has only recently dipped in to winter weather, I gave up running earlier this season just because I was tired of putting in all that effort. I think it goes without saying that my body is paying the consequences now and I fear it is only going to get worse as the holidays draw nearer.
Many of us are familiar with the Christian life being compared to a race. Paul mentions it a few times in his writings. He encourages us to keep running and to press on towards the finish line; the finish line being united with Christ. I've really slowed my pace in this race, and I am ashamed of where I am right now because I know I've taken my eyes off of the coming prize to linger in the moments here just a while longer.
I think I've begun questioning the way things are done a lot more this semester than I have before. I've become so focused with escaping the rules that people assume to be true of Christianity that I haven't done a good job of living how I think Christians should live. I guess you can say I've become rebellious, but a cautious rebel at that.
I seem to have lost all feeling. A few months ago I was really frustrated because I felt that I was doing everything I should be doing as a Christian, and wanting to pursue a relationship with Christ, but I wasn't feeling anything in return. Now I know God never left me and that I also shouldn't base our relationship on feelings, but once that numb feeling started to persist, I think I began wandering and daydreaming. The fact that I haven't truly connected to a church body this semester hasn't help much at all either. I've been distanced from the community of Christ that I so love and I began hurting.
I hate where I am right now. I hate being a hypocrite. I hate that I don't feel God's hand in mine. I hate that I have been such a willing sinner and insulting the spirit of grace. I hate that I've allowed Satan to sidetrack me and push me to a place where I feel hidden from God.
I want to come home.
This next journey of my life is going to pose more strains on my walk with God because of the makeup of Argentina, and it being a country where Christianity is rarely practiced. I want and need to serve as a beacon of light when I am down there, and as I sit here today, I am terrified that I will only fall further than where I am now.
If you happen to stumble upon this blog, can I ask you to pray for me? Pray that I would return my gaze towards Jesus' face and that I would walk confidently in the path of righteousness that he has prepared. Pray that I would look sin in the face only to shun it and that I would grasp the hand of my Heavenly father. Pray that I would have the strength to stand apart as a Christian in a dark place and that I would not conform to the patterns of the world any longer. Pray for a renewal of life in Christ.
I beg for Christ's mercy on my failings and I rejoice in the grace he gives relentlessly. I pray that I would stop taking advantage of such a gift and start living in the way I know to be true. Jesus, I'm sorry for pushing you aside. Help the desires that You've placed within my heart to be reflected in my daily actions. As your daughter, I long to make you proud and I'm sorry for the pain I've been putting you through.
I'm lacing up my running shoes today and I'm ready to begin training again. I realize it'll take some time to get back into the rhythm of it all, but I have a glimpse of just how worth it it all is and I'm ready to get back in the game.
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
The Dancer
Exodus 25 describes the temple God asked to be built. The detail that went in to each and every article within the temple is incredible. And it makes you think, if you God designed a temple with such ornateness and we, our bodies, are the temples of God, then how much detail did he put in to us? Incredible!
One of the challenges with todays advent reading was to think about the decorations that are put up in houses around Christmas time. My mom does a wonderful job of decorating our house, making it such a warm and inviting place to be in. My favorite part of the decorating is putting up the lights on the outside of the house (but only colored lights, the white ones are just too boring!). No one every decorates their house with random objects; they all mean something to the owner. I think our decorations aim at the splendor of God's creative works. I think our ornaments serve as a remembrance of the life God has blessed us with and experiences we have shared and gone through. I pray that as I continue to grow and mature that I would continue to think of decorations in such a way, seeing past their supposed potential materialistic worth.
Another discussion point in the advent reading today was to create an ornament or decoration that represents how I feel about my relationship with God this year. I think if I were to create an ornament, it would be of a pair of ballet dancers. The ballerina would be twirling and having one hand in the air being held by her partner as she twirls (I don't know the male term for ballerina). It's cliche to say that life's a dance, but I'm going to use it anyway. I think my relationship with Jesus this year has been a dance. At times it has been extremely intimate, and we've danced closely. There have been other moments when I go out for more of a solo move, and other times where we are dancing together, but not necessarily in the most intimate way. Regardless of where I've been in my dance routine this year, I always spin back to God. I'm becoming more independent, and trying out new things, but I always look back to find God to take up our dance together again. I think the most beautiful dance routines are when the man and woman hold each other so intimately, and rightly so, these are the most beautiful times I share with God. Unfortunately, I'm very prone to wandering, but I don't usually wander off too far. I know where my love is, and in the end, it's always better to dance in the safety of His arms.
One of the challenges with todays advent reading was to think about the decorations that are put up in houses around Christmas time. My mom does a wonderful job of decorating our house, making it such a warm and inviting place to be in. My favorite part of the decorating is putting up the lights on the outside of the house (but only colored lights, the white ones are just too boring!). No one every decorates their house with random objects; they all mean something to the owner. I think our decorations aim at the splendor of God's creative works. I think our ornaments serve as a remembrance of the life God has blessed us with and experiences we have shared and gone through. I pray that as I continue to grow and mature that I would continue to think of decorations in such a way, seeing past their supposed potential materialistic worth.
Another discussion point in the advent reading today was to create an ornament or decoration that represents how I feel about my relationship with God this year. I think if I were to create an ornament, it would be of a pair of ballet dancers. The ballerina would be twirling and having one hand in the air being held by her partner as she twirls (I don't know the male term for ballerina). It's cliche to say that life's a dance, but I'm going to use it anyway. I think my relationship with Jesus this year has been a dance. At times it has been extremely intimate, and we've danced closely. There have been other moments when I go out for more of a solo move, and other times where we are dancing together, but not necessarily in the most intimate way. Regardless of where I've been in my dance routine this year, I always spin back to God. I'm becoming more independent, and trying out new things, but I always look back to find God to take up our dance together again. I think the most beautiful dance routines are when the man and woman hold each other so intimately, and rightly so, these are the most beautiful times I share with God. Unfortunately, I'm very prone to wandering, but I don't usually wander off too far. I know where my love is, and in the end, it's always better to dance in the safety of His arms.
Thursday, December 2, 2010
Joseph
The start of December marks the start of the advent season- the story and history of Jesus' birth. Today I was reading the story of Mary and Joseph in Matthew 1; I'll give you a short recap:
Joseph and Mary were engaged to be married (I'd love to know how he proposed!). Sometime before their marriage, Mary was found to be with child after a visitation from an angel. During this visitation, the angel told Mary that she would carry the son of God and serve as his mother on earth. Well, this puts dear Joseph in a difficult situation. His soon to be wife was pregnant and he had nothing to do with it and furthermore, explaining the situation to his friends and family would most likely cause them to believe he is indeed crazy.
Joseph had every right to break off the engagement in a vicious manner, but being the man that he was, he decided to go through with the separation quietly. But before he could follow through with his plan, Joseph was met by an angel who told him to stay by Mary's side and raise the son of God. I can't imagine what was going through his mind during all of this; if it were me, I probably would have fled to the another country where I could start a new life with a new name, escaping the accusations of being a crazy person.
But Joseph didn't.
He obediently followed the call that God had placed on his life. He took Mary as his wife and together they faced public scrutiny. Together, under God's authority and calling, they served as Jesus' earthly parents.
I think Mary gets a lot of attention for her role, and believe me, I understand how great of a role it was. But what about Joseph? I can't help but wonder what kind of man Joseph was that he was called in to such an honorable position. I wonder what his courage looked like. I wonder how he lead Mary and spurred her on in her relationship with God. I wonder what parenting Jesus looked like.
As a woman with hopes of marriage at some point, I can't help but think about all of these things. I can't help but want such a God-fearing man as Joseph. I want a man willing to look past worldly gimmicks and laughter, only to look forward to God's greater treasures. I want a man who will lead me and stay by my side no matter what. I want a man that understands and will encourage me to follow in the specific path God is directing me in and to walk with me there.
I'd like to ask for forgiveness for having high expectations in men, but in that same breath, I honestly don't think I want to. I don't expect any man to be perfect, but I do expect certain Godly qualities to be exist. I don't expect them to have it all together, because that will never happen, but I do expect that he tries and that there be evidence of that effort.
Before anyone assumes I have put myself on a pedestal of perfection, you certainly won't find me up there. Look for me somewhere on the ground amidst the dirt. But I know that I'm trying. And I hope you can see evidence of my efforts, and if not, I'll just keep trying.
I could only hope for the faith and strength of Mary, and I hope that my future husband hopes for the faith, leadership and strength of Joseph. And I hope that in our marriage, we will walk forward together with our eyes locked on those of Christ's.
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
A Struggling Lover's Prayer
Honesty brings forth vulnerability which eludes to the core of ourselves. For as much as I struggle with vulnerability, I know it has great worth. If instead of wearing superhero costumes to cover up our imperfections, and we let our natural skin show, I believe something truly beautiful will occur. I believe that we will all realize that none of us is really that different from each other.
That said, for the past few months or so, I've really been struggling with feeling God's presence. I know, I know, its not about a feeling. So I guess my real struggle was the fact that I felt completely numb to everything. Nothing truly excited me nor upset me. I could relate most to a ghost, I suppose. From what I know about them (watching Casper the Friendly Ghost, anyway), they go about life as usual, only they experience no warmth, they're simply hollow creatures.
I wanted to be moved. I wanted to feel alive and to know that I really hadn't died yet. My relationship with God felt stagnant. I know all the "right" things to do, and I had been doing them. I didn't want to give up on God, but I was growing impatient.
So I prayed a struggling lover's prayer. One that I imagine a couple on the verge of separation or divorce might pray. I told God I wanted to feel in love again. I wanted that feeling of ecstasy. I wanted it to be like when I first came to know Him. And not that this should affect the timing of this prayer, but I especially did not want to feel numb towards God during the month we celebrate the birth of his son. I wanted a deeper understanding of the weight and the miracle of Christmas.
Shortly following my struggling lover's prayer, I started thinking about what would have happened had Christ not been born, and thats when I started to come back to life. My first thought was that I would still believe in God. But I couldn't be more wrong! Without Christ being born, the Trinity would be gone and the very structure of Christianity would be destroyed. God would have no characteristics that I could relate to, and I would be left with the big man in the sky. God sent his son to take on human flesh so that I would understand the personal relationship God wanted to pursue. He sent his son so that I would understand and receive grace and mercy. He sent his son so that I would believe. As I've said before, I'm not the best at articulating my thoughts, but the answers that I've received since asking this question and praying that prayer have been truly moving.
And I'm in love again!
My body is swayed by the gift of Christ Jesus. I feel my heart leap for joy! My thankfulness and awe for the holy bundle that laid in the dirty manger is beyond what I am currently able to process. But thats the beauty of love! It is a mystery that can never be solved.
I am looking at this Christmas season with new eyes....
I'm alive! I'm alive! I'm alive!
That said, for the past few months or so, I've really been struggling with feeling God's presence. I know, I know, its not about a feeling. So I guess my real struggle was the fact that I felt completely numb to everything. Nothing truly excited me nor upset me. I could relate most to a ghost, I suppose. From what I know about them (watching Casper the Friendly Ghost, anyway), they go about life as usual, only they experience no warmth, they're simply hollow creatures.
I wanted to be moved. I wanted to feel alive and to know that I really hadn't died yet. My relationship with God felt stagnant. I know all the "right" things to do, and I had been doing them. I didn't want to give up on God, but I was growing impatient.
So I prayed a struggling lover's prayer. One that I imagine a couple on the verge of separation or divorce might pray. I told God I wanted to feel in love again. I wanted that feeling of ecstasy. I wanted it to be like when I first came to know Him. And not that this should affect the timing of this prayer, but I especially did not want to feel numb towards God during the month we celebrate the birth of his son. I wanted a deeper understanding of the weight and the miracle of Christmas.
Shortly following my struggling lover's prayer, I started thinking about what would have happened had Christ not been born, and thats when I started to come back to life. My first thought was that I would still believe in God. But I couldn't be more wrong! Without Christ being born, the Trinity would be gone and the very structure of Christianity would be destroyed. God would have no characteristics that I could relate to, and I would be left with the big man in the sky. God sent his son to take on human flesh so that I would understand the personal relationship God wanted to pursue. He sent his son so that I would understand and receive grace and mercy. He sent his son so that I would believe. As I've said before, I'm not the best at articulating my thoughts, but the answers that I've received since asking this question and praying that prayer have been truly moving.
And I'm in love again!
My body is swayed by the gift of Christ Jesus. I feel my heart leap for joy! My thankfulness and awe for the holy bundle that laid in the dirty manger is beyond what I am currently able to process. But thats the beauty of love! It is a mystery that can never be solved.
I am looking at this Christmas season with new eyes....
I'm alive! I'm alive! I'm alive!
Friday, November 26, 2010
Rewind the Clock
Its that awkward era of life; I feel like I talk about it often. I guess I just mostly realize it when I'm around my family. When I'm around them, I want everything to feel as it did 4 years ago. Four years ago, my life was much more intertwined with my family's. They knew who my friends were in my stories, and they understood what was going on in general. We were a tight family unit, and I'm desperately trying to reclaim that it seems.
But now, I live nine hours away. Its hard for my family to understand my stories, or get it in its entirety because the characters involved are somewhat foreign to them. My everyday life does not involve them, and sometimes I feel like I want it to more than they want to stay involved in mine. Maybe they're just trying to give me freedom, but I want to bring them with me. My brother has a girlfriend now and I feel like I'm fighting to keep a decent relationship with him now. I want things to go back to how it was when we would take family road trips and be forcibly cooped up together in one place for an extended period of time with nothing to take away from that family time. But priorities change and life changes. And me? I guess I'm just trying to find where I belong.
I don't know how to adjust and be happy when I know what I loved so much before. I want it all to stay the same, to be the way it was right before everything changed.
Go back time, go back. Rewind the clock and give me just a few more hours before the sun rises again.
But now, I live nine hours away. Its hard for my family to understand my stories, or get it in its entirety because the characters involved are somewhat foreign to them. My everyday life does not involve them, and sometimes I feel like I want it to more than they want to stay involved in mine. Maybe they're just trying to give me freedom, but I want to bring them with me. My brother has a girlfriend now and I feel like I'm fighting to keep a decent relationship with him now. I want things to go back to how it was when we would take family road trips and be forcibly cooped up together in one place for an extended period of time with nothing to take away from that family time. But priorities change and life changes. And me? I guess I'm just trying to find where I belong.
I don't know how to adjust and be happy when I know what I loved so much before. I want it all to stay the same, to be the way it was right before everything changed.
Go back time, go back. Rewind the clock and give me just a few more hours before the sun rises again.
Thursday, November 25, 2010
Thanksgiving
America gives us one (official) day to sit down and think about what we are thankful for, and many of us will let the day slip away almost as quickly as Grandma's mashed potatoes went down. (Sorry if that was a lame joke). But when you really take the time to look at your life, I think you will find some wonderful surprises that you may otherwise overlook (like whatever is in that side dish called stuffing- ok, I'll stop).
So what am I thankful for? Here's a little snippet:
Mom, Dad, Dillon, having an apartment that I can pay for, a reliable paycheck, the opportunity to travel abroad, getting and education, my friends that make life more interesting, accountability, laughter, groceries, my car, music, forgiveness, and God's unrelenting love for me that is impossible to understand.
It is so easy to forget to be thankful. It is much easier to wallow in dangerous traps set by the Enemy that tells us nothing is good. But there is so much good to be appreciated! At my internship yesterday, I overheard a boy talking about how awful his holiday seasons are. He has walked away from the past few Christmases with no presents and the past Thanksgivings with nothing much to feast on. In fact, his family didn't even have enough money to keep their lights turned on. So for me to even think for one moment that I have nothing to be thankful for is to be ungrateful for everything in my life.
Don't give Satan the satisfaction of disowning the good and blessed things that have happened in your life. The same guy that I was talking about above, he too has plenty to be thankful for. He's had opportunities to pursue a singing career and now he is headed towards a higher education.
Be thankful. Whatever it is in your life, give thanks. And never, for one moment think that there is nothing good in your life because in doing so, you tear down the great work that was done through Christ Jesus.
So what am I thankful for? Here's a little snippet:
Mom, Dad, Dillon, having an apartment that I can pay for, a reliable paycheck, the opportunity to travel abroad, getting and education, my friends that make life more interesting, accountability, laughter, groceries, my car, music, forgiveness, and God's unrelenting love for me that is impossible to understand.
It is so easy to forget to be thankful. It is much easier to wallow in dangerous traps set by the Enemy that tells us nothing is good. But there is so much good to be appreciated! At my internship yesterday, I overheard a boy talking about how awful his holiday seasons are. He has walked away from the past few Christmases with no presents and the past Thanksgivings with nothing much to feast on. In fact, his family didn't even have enough money to keep their lights turned on. So for me to even think for one moment that I have nothing to be thankful for is to be ungrateful for everything in my life.
Don't give Satan the satisfaction of disowning the good and blessed things that have happened in your life. The same guy that I was talking about above, he too has plenty to be thankful for. He's had opportunities to pursue a singing career and now he is headed towards a higher education.
Be thankful. Whatever it is in your life, give thanks. And never, for one moment think that there is nothing good in your life because in doing so, you tear down the great work that was done through Christ Jesus.
Friday, November 19, 2010
One Of Those Nights...
Today is just one of those days where I really don't like people.
I don't want to text anyone, call anyone, be asked anymore questions, I don't really want to be around people, hear talking, just leave me alone.
For today.
I don't want to text anyone, call anyone, be asked anymore questions, I don't really want to be around people, hear talking, just leave me alone.
For today.
Thursday, November 18, 2010
Love for a Sinner Just Doesn't Make Sense
I simply cannot wrap my mind around the great mysteriousness of God. I am left standing in front of Him, feeling as though I know absolutely nothing of Him, and yet, I am compelled by the mystery of it all to go further. I cannot tell you how many times I have prayed, "God, I just want to know you more..." It seems that no matter how many times I pray that prayer, I still don't understand. How could a God who is in charge of the universe know me so intimately? When I really take the time to sit down and spend quality time with God, I feel like the only one He cares about, and that's how love should feel. But what blows my mind is that this love is extended to every single person across this earth. There is no limit to who can have this intimate relationship. There are no requirements, no standards. Nothing. Just a desire to be loved.
I don't think I've ever realized how much of a sinner I am until this year. I guess if I'm going to be honest, I never really took the time to notice the things in my life that truly were and are sin. I figured that as long as I wasn't drinking, swearing, or having sex, I was pretty golden. Repentance didn't seem like something I needed. Pride much?
I started asking God to show me the areas in which sin had a hold on me. It started getting messy, and I was ashamed. Ashamed that I had fallen into the sin of thinking I wasn't that bad of a sinner. According to God, all sins are equal. My sins weigh just as heavily as someone who has robbed a bank, or murdered their own family. When you compare things like that, it's easy to start feeling pretty awful about yourself. I think one negative thought about someone, and I'm in the same boat as the guy who blew up a convenient station. In our human eyes, the latter seems most unforgivable. We let the negative thoughts slide, because hey, we all think those from time to time.
But God doesn't play favorites; we are all sentenced the same death.
Or given the same gift of life.
And that's just crazy to me! Why would a God so holy, so pure, and so perfect, create a way out? I can give no other explanation other than it was all for love. I serve a God who loves community, and doesn't want anyone to miss out, so we are all given the same chance. All of us. The beauty of it!
I wish and I pray that I could love people and love God with even the smallest fraction of how He loves. I try, I fail, and I'm forgiven again because my heavenly Father knows me as He created me to be- not the one who is tainted by worldly pleasures.
God sees me for what He originally created. He doesn't see me dirty. And although all I can see is my filth, and my unworthiness, I am immensely grateful that in the Creator's eyes, I too am holy.
I just can't wrap my mind around it. It doesn't make sense! But regardless of it's clarity to me, I am driven to pursue God more and to be in community with Him.
Nothing makes sense, but somehow, it really doesn't need to.
Hallelujah!!
I don't think I've ever realized how much of a sinner I am until this year. I guess if I'm going to be honest, I never really took the time to notice the things in my life that truly were and are sin. I figured that as long as I wasn't drinking, swearing, or having sex, I was pretty golden. Repentance didn't seem like something I needed. Pride much?
I started asking God to show me the areas in which sin had a hold on me. It started getting messy, and I was ashamed. Ashamed that I had fallen into the sin of thinking I wasn't that bad of a sinner. According to God, all sins are equal. My sins weigh just as heavily as someone who has robbed a bank, or murdered their own family. When you compare things like that, it's easy to start feeling pretty awful about yourself. I think one negative thought about someone, and I'm in the same boat as the guy who blew up a convenient station. In our human eyes, the latter seems most unforgivable. We let the negative thoughts slide, because hey, we all think those from time to time.
But God doesn't play favorites; we are all sentenced the same death.
Or given the same gift of life.
And that's just crazy to me! Why would a God so holy, so pure, and so perfect, create a way out? I can give no other explanation other than it was all for love. I serve a God who loves community, and doesn't want anyone to miss out, so we are all given the same chance. All of us. The beauty of it!
I wish and I pray that I could love people and love God with even the smallest fraction of how He loves. I try, I fail, and I'm forgiven again because my heavenly Father knows me as He created me to be- not the one who is tainted by worldly pleasures.
God sees me for what He originally created. He doesn't see me dirty. And although all I can see is my filth, and my unworthiness, I am immensely grateful that in the Creator's eyes, I too am holy.
I just can't wrap my mind around it. It doesn't make sense! But regardless of it's clarity to me, I am driven to pursue God more and to be in community with Him.
Nothing makes sense, but somehow, it really doesn't need to.
Hallelujah!!
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
Dear "Men" of the World...
Live up to your "man" reputation and BE one.
I'm a girl who believes chivalry should never die. I appreciate the door being held open for me, and even more so when the guy continues to stand there and hold the door open for a long string of people. That shows a lot about his character.
Second. Don't ask a girl out via text message, email, or through a third party member. If you're really interested, you'll take the time to make that personal connection, and the chances of her saying "yes" multiplies dramatically. We recognize the courage it takes to approach us and those that actually do when big time. Sending text messages and emails is taking the easy way out, and I haven't placed myself in the easy category, sorry.
Make your intentions clearer. Our hearts take ideas and run with them in all sorts of directions unless there have been clear intentions stated. It really just makes things easier for everyone.
Please, show an interest in us. I love hearing about other people and for the most part, I prefer to let others do the talking because I love their stories. But, it really means the world to me when I am directly asked about myself. That being said, there is no bigger turn off for me than a guy who never asks me a single question. Or, if he does but then immediately checks out...adios senor.
I guess the moral of my brief rant here, is A) Men, be men. And B) Please, pursue us.
For the sake of holding back a lot of frustration, I won't go more in detail. Just ponder this for a while.
Man up.
I'm a girl who believes chivalry should never die. I appreciate the door being held open for me, and even more so when the guy continues to stand there and hold the door open for a long string of people. That shows a lot about his character.
Second. Don't ask a girl out via text message, email, or through a third party member. If you're really interested, you'll take the time to make that personal connection, and the chances of her saying "yes" multiplies dramatically. We recognize the courage it takes to approach us and those that actually do when big time. Sending text messages and emails is taking the easy way out, and I haven't placed myself in the easy category, sorry.
Make your intentions clearer. Our hearts take ideas and run with them in all sorts of directions unless there have been clear intentions stated. It really just makes things easier for everyone.
Please, show an interest in us. I love hearing about other people and for the most part, I prefer to let others do the talking because I love their stories. But, it really means the world to me when I am directly asked about myself. That being said, there is no bigger turn off for me than a guy who never asks me a single question. Or, if he does but then immediately checks out...adios senor.
I guess the moral of my brief rant here, is A) Men, be men. And B) Please, pursue us.
For the sake of holding back a lot of frustration, I won't go more in detail. Just ponder this for a while.
Man up.
Sunday, November 7, 2010
Moving On
Today is one of those days that I realize everything around me is changing. As I take that sentence in, my body is filled with a whirlwind of emotions and I don't really know where or when I'll settle.
I'm mourning for my life past and the death it is speeding towards, and at the same time, I'm watching myself cautiously opening new doors. I'm stuck in the dichotomy of wanting everything to stay the same, but I'm tired of everything being the same and want new experiences.
I went home over fall break but to be honest, I was eager to come back to Nashville. Of course it was great to see my family, but I don't think I was ready to be back there. It was odd being home, a feeling I really don't know how to describe, one I hadn't really experienced before, one I'm still trying to decipher. I guess I just feel myself growing up and I'm being forced to as other people move on and grow up around me too.
Sometimes, I feel the only who is allowed to move on is myself....how selfish. I want to move on but know that everything I left behind has stayed the same, just waiting for me should I desire to return. It doesn't work out that way, and it's completely unfair for me to expect it to. If I'm feeling like this, I'm sure everyone around me is feeling something similar. Their lives have their own orbit, and for a brief, incredibly wonderful amount time, our paths were intertwined and I could not be more thankful.
I guess I'm just scared for what is going to happen next. I'm scared because I don't think I want to go back home this summer. I'm scared because the people that once were there are moving on too, and I don't want to be left by myself. I'm scared because I don't want to be on my own...but I do.
Nothings the same anymore and change is a hard thing to adapt to. I'm trying to embrace it, I'm trying to deal with my emotions, and I'm trying to understand my own word vomit I just spewed.
I'm mourning for my life past and the death it is speeding towards, and at the same time, I'm watching myself cautiously opening new doors. I'm stuck in the dichotomy of wanting everything to stay the same, but I'm tired of everything being the same and want new experiences.
I went home over fall break but to be honest, I was eager to come back to Nashville. Of course it was great to see my family, but I don't think I was ready to be back there. It was odd being home, a feeling I really don't know how to describe, one I hadn't really experienced before, one I'm still trying to decipher. I guess I just feel myself growing up and I'm being forced to as other people move on and grow up around me too.
Sometimes, I feel the only who is allowed to move on is myself....how selfish. I want to move on but know that everything I left behind has stayed the same, just waiting for me should I desire to return. It doesn't work out that way, and it's completely unfair for me to expect it to. If I'm feeling like this, I'm sure everyone around me is feeling something similar. Their lives have their own orbit, and for a brief, incredibly wonderful amount time, our paths were intertwined and I could not be more thankful.
I guess I'm just scared for what is going to happen next. I'm scared because I don't think I want to go back home this summer. I'm scared because the people that once were there are moving on too, and I don't want to be left by myself. I'm scared because I don't want to be on my own...but I do.
Nothings the same anymore and change is a hard thing to adapt to. I'm trying to embrace it, I'm trying to deal with my emotions, and I'm trying to understand my own word vomit I just spewed.
Monday, November 1, 2010
You Can't Mean What You Said...
You can't mean what you said,
because your history says you're a liar.
I won't believe the words that you say,
because I know what truth sounds like.
I curse your lips as you aim to taint me with a kiss,
and as you prey upon my heart
be ware that I am part of the Victor's team.
Your efforts are made in vain.
Your subtle whispers become a scream
and you stamp your feet, as if your anger deserves my attention.
I'll continue to turn my back, and deny you recognition
but I'll call you out for what you truly are.
Armored and sealed, you can shoot, but it will not be my death.
Keep wasting your time, and I'll keep running forward.
Soon enough, you'll hear my victory laugh
as I dance upon your grave
which you intended to dig for me.
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